Angst, angst, angst and more angsty rants
May 16, 2011
Ugh no idea what’s up with me these days!!! Can’t even explain in words… bleurgh. I don’t think it’s just me though. Everyone on Twitter seems the same with all their rageee tweets. I swear it’s not even PMS…
This is what I feel like in school everyday… The work feels tougher even though the timetable is a lot better compared to less semester :'( Wtheck I don’t even feel like getting started on any work zzz. It’s like I feel that nothing is important anymore. I keep telling myself to make more of an effort but my own words are falling on dead ears.
I guess it’s because the what-am-I-doing-with-my-life notion gets more and more intense.
While half-consciously listening in class, the sort-of realisation dawned on me that most of these things
1) do not interest me 2) they are not related to my dream career at all.
I mean this stupid diploma is more of business management than media… And I do not want to go into business! I want to write! And ideally it would be writing fiction books. Novels. Not articles in newspapers or whatever news. I am into creative writing, not journalism!!!!!!!!1111 But the little media element we study in this course are all about non-fiction writing!!!!!
How to not be angsty after having this sudden lightbulb going off in this stupid head of mine? After like 1 year in this diploma??? Yep took me long enough to realise it… better late than never lol?
Dropping out of school halfway is not my thing and not an option either though. This rubbish + boring + measly diploma shall serve as a backup. I say this like I have other plans but truth is I have none. I have no idea what the future has in store and neither do I want to think about it, because it scares the shit out of me. Yep, accomplishing nothing does.
Wow and nearly all my friends have plans. Unlike me.
Seriously envy them especially those who can go overseas.
Yet some of them, the way they talk, it’s like they are so unappreciative of the fact that they can even go overseas at all. It just pisses me off so much that I wish I could just ask them to STFU.
Really… what am I doing with my life.
I find myself caring less and less about stuff.
I don’t like saying, “fml” but seriously fml.
Why oh why is my family not loaded?
Then I don’t have to worry about anything…
Arghhhh fed up. A lot more to rant about but I shan’t go into those.
Super no mood for anything. Though Ms Ang’s afternoon class today was quite interesting… discussing sensitive/controversial topics of any kind always interest me. Wish we could do more of those than stupid management theories etc -_-
Had my headphones on half the time I was in school today to shut out the world. Something that I don’t usually do, if you know me well enough. I hardly listen to music outside of my house. Not even while travelling on public transport – I just don’t have the habit.
Talking and laughing loudly should really be banned in crowded lifts. Empty vessels make the most noise, heard before?! Urgh irritating shit.
Tomorrow is a public holiday but I have group work all the way at Jurong.
HOW TO BE NOT ANGSTY YOU TELL ME?
Just counting my blessings that luckily Jurong is still on the red line.
I know I should be more grateful about what I already have, and trust me I usually am and I always try to look on the good side of things, but I just can’t help being resentful at life of late. Because people just have to keep flaunting in my faces what they have and what I don’t have, whether intentionally or not. Not only that, they also complain way more than I do and I REALLY hate unappreciative people.
I complain a lot, I know.
But it’s usually about minor stuff that we ALL complain about.
I don’t usually blog these kind of long rants about Life itself, do I?
They didn’t even work hard to achieve anything. They just have it, you know?
While there are many things in life which we have to work hard for, there are also things that people are just born with. Things like good looks and a good background and a reasonably well-off family.
Get what I am trying to say?
Life isn’t fair, that we all know.
Like I say, with money, there are a lot (and I do mean A LOT) of things that you don’t have to fret about.
So yes I admit that I am bitter and jealous and shit. Much as I struggle with these inner demons all the time and force myself stop brood over crap like these, I just can’t overcome it. I mean even before all these, I’ve had issues… I know myself.
Anyway, good for you if you understand what I’m saying and even better if you can relate.
Quite satisfied that I actually managed to put all these thoughts into words. Usually I think and think about it in my mind but never get round to blogging them properly. Hope all these troubles can leave me ~
K tired already bai.