June 04, 2018 / 10:35PM
I’m feeling so shitty inside and outside and I haven’t felt this stressed out or sad in ages. Yet there’s nothing I can do but wait and pray and hope an already dire situation doesn’t get worse. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. I feel physically ill because my cough is being stubborn and I’m running a slight temperature and I’m not sure if it’s all the stress or if it’s actually something more or related to whatever I’m so afraid is going on. It’s making my anxiety worse and I can’t even talk to anyone because I am so confused and I am not even sure what is going on or what is happening. Like did I do something to deserve this??? Is this my karma??? Why???? I go from freaking out to being exhausted and just wanting it to all end and I hate myself but I don’t even know what I did. Please just be over even though nothing will be the same and I already know I am gonna hate how it ends but there is nothing I can do and guess what if I were you I would hate me too.
Why is it so hard to find someone on the same frequency that you can talk to about anything and everything? Even if we don’t go into frequency, I just feel like most people I get to know nowadays are shit conversationalists who I don’t feel like talking to.
Actually I have kinda like a series of tests that I put people through (without them knowing, of course) to see if we can be more than acquaintances. I guess you can say I’m insane or asking for too much but in a world where time is so precious, I don’t really wanna waste time with people who don’t get me. Would you?
The tests are in this order:
1. Hamster test: The simplest one. Having pets yourself is a plus but not a necessity. Just let me gush about my babies and ask basic questions about them.
2. Book test: I get that most people aren’t into reading books which is quite sad but fine. At least ask what book I’m reading currently and what it is about. That’s all I want. You don’t have to be a prodigy or some well-read genius. I just want someone who lets me fangirl instead of never following up with another question when I say I’m reading.
3. Game of Thrones / Netflix / pop culture test: I am super into pop culture and can quote shitload of shows and movies so you need to be as well-watched in order to get my references. Huge bonus if you are a Game of Thrones fan and even bigger bonus if you have read the book series.
4. Work test: My work is a big part of my life so you need to be both a good listener and someone who can contribute to the conversation so that it’s not one-sided. You need to respect and understand my work and how I feel about it.
5. Fucked-up issues test: I actually have a lot of issues and “dark secrets” but hardly anybody to open up to. If you miraculously pass all the four tests above, you probably won’t have a problem at this stage. Unfortunately, most people I know can’t even pass the first or any one of these relatively easy tests.
Maybe I am destined to be forever alone. I like being alone… but I don’t like being lonely.