Others | twiinklex ❤

Went to Kinokuniya the other day with the intention of only getting the first 2 books but like every other time… 😀 hey I actually picked out 2 more but decided not to buy them in the end okay, because I wasn’t sure if they will be good.

Before I continue, I would just like to say that I’m not ashamed that I rarely read adult books (I have never read Nicholas Sparks, Cecelia Ahern or Sophie Kinsella, but I will someday). I read a lot of children’s books and teenage books and Horrible Histories instead and those are the sections I browse whenever I visit the library. Hey I’m a teen so it’s perfectly normal okay.

Kiss Date Love Hate by the author that sent me a free copy of her book in 2010 (if anyone remembers. I definitely do asdfghjkly). She has 4 published books and I have read 3, with this being the 4th. Her books are like my kind of perfect. Teenage angst and romance, high school stuff 😀 and it doesn’t hurt that the covers are always so pretty. Honestly I love her books and I think she deserves more recognition!

I have read The Longest Whale Song (and every book of this author, really) and it’s one of her best titles. She’s quite old and has written a lot of books and I love every single of them. A lot of them are about troubled children from broken homes. The Longest Whale Song was so freaking sad and absolutely beautiful and it made me cry ;_;

The Boy Next Door is for adults but I read it because it’s Meg Cabot. It’s so good and funny!!! And loads more but the last time I read it was years ago from my sec school’s library so I can’t really remember. How can one author write so many incredible books of so many different genres, you tell me.

Still my favourite series of all-time asdfghjkly. And I rarely re-read books because I don’t have time but this is like the exception… especially the last book omg there was a period of time when I just kept re-reading it over and over again and I sobbed like a baby each time ;_; I didn’t want the series to end! I can’t believe it got cut down to 6 books because it wasn’t popular enough. Are you kidding me T_T

Jesse and Susannah were my OTP before I even knew what an OTP was. And while reading the last book, I kept having the notion that this can never end well because I just don’t see how the 2 of them can have any future together and how it wouldn’t make sense if Jesse turned into human or Suze turned into a ghost. But hey, guess what – things couldn’t have ended more perfectly :’)

To be honest, I don’t read the supernatural genre. It’s just not my interest. I would never read a fic with “Supernatural” as its theme. I rarely even read horror despite my love for horror movies… I never thought I’d be so obsessed with The Vampire Diaries show even. The only reason I started reading The Mediator was because my sec school’s librarian gave me a copy of Book 2. So I went to look for Book 1 and 3 at the library. And from there on, it was a path of no return… not that I regret anything, mind you.

SO THANK YOU MS. LIBRARIAN 😀

I heard that the movie rights to the series have been bought but so far there hasn’t been any plans on making one. I have mixed feelings about this… I don’t want it to end up like the Georgia Nicolson series [x] which has got to have the worst film adaptation ever despite being such an awesome series on its own.

Or another The Hunger Games where the hype is so crazy and some of the “fans” are fucking irritating. Shut the fuck up about Team Peeta and Team Gale, this is not bloody Twilight. Plus usually I don’t mind if you haven’t read the books but watch the film, because I do it too. But for The Hunger Games, I find it unbearable and I don’t wanna fucking share something so wonderful with people who haven’t read the books. I don’t want to be part of the same fandom as these people who keep going on about the movie but have no idea what goes on in the trilogy.

I watched the USA premiere on livestream few days ago. One of the hosts and some of the fans interviewed said they haven’t read the books. The host even sheepishly said she wanted to “experience it from the movie’s perspective” first. Stop giving weak excuses. I feel so fucking EMBARRASSED for these people. Especially when all the cast were so passionate about the books and fangirling, and proud that they were part of the cast. I myself felt so happy and proud that this is the cast we have for The Hunger Games.

Sorry but I’m not the only one complaining. The people on Tumblr agree. Nevermind that it is us who have to sit and watch everything from behind our computers. Why is it retards like these, people who are interested only because of Josh or Liam, that get to be there and experience everything? Trust me, it’s not sour grapes but more like we think people like them aren’t worthy enough to be part of our fandom.

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Anyway, back to my books.

I heard about We Need To Talk About Kevin (WNTTAK) And Requiem For A Dream (RFAD) only because I watched the movies first. Ended up liking both more than I thought I would! So, so, so incredible and I have so many feels about these 2 films.

RFAD had a 3ish to 4 all the way from beginning. The screenplay was quite unique and some parts were quite confusing, so I had my doubts at first. But then came the ending… and I’m left speechless. Because it’s so powerful and you could say, the final resolution of the themes they are trying to portray. The final scenes of each character and how they all parallel… it’s something so strong I can’t even put it in words.

Requiem For A Dream

That and I love the said themes in the film. About addiction, about not having your head in the clouds so much that you forget about reality, you get so engrossed in what you desire that your feet leaves the ground and you end up stumbling and falling, the fine line between reality and dreams. It’s all so real and powerful and the whole film left such a deep impact on me.

Also, this is like the most depressing film I have watched. Nobody died and it didn’t make me cry at all, like A Walk To Remember or Titanic. But do you realise that both AWTR and Titanic ended up on happy note despite the main character’s death? A wedding in AWTR and the dream sequence of being on the ship in Titanic? RFAD ended up the most depressing and tragic note ever.

And it’s something that I will never forget.

WNTTAK was the “non-mainstream” kind of film. To me, by non-mainstream, I mean they match either one of these:

No linear plot
Not everyone will enjoy/get the film
Logically it might not make sense
Ending is vague/ambiguous/uncertain/not solid

Not every criteria, just one or two. I usually tend not to enjoy non-mainstream films because they are usually slow or confusing or don’t make enough sense for my liking (e.g. Melancholia, Martha Marcy May Marlene), so I was really surprised that I loved WNTTAK. I think it’s the only non-mainstream film that I can say I truly enjoyed…

Really brilliant and it left a deep and unforgettable impression on me even though I watched it sometime last year. At first I was quite confused due to its non-linear plot which cuts back and forth from past to present, but then I started piecing the puzzle today. Also pretty amusing and entertaining to see his atrocities from young. Brilliant dialouge and lines especially Ezra Miller’s. His and Tilda Swinton’s performance was so amazing and I can’t believe this film wasn’t nominated for any Academy Award.

All 3 guys in above fanmade poster played the same character at different ages but I love the pretty one on the left best! Asdfghjkly so cute!!! My mom thought he was a girl when I showed her a picture. Omgggg

And wow the last scene, I can’t even. So poignant and powerful and touching all at the same time. The whole film just portrayed the love of a mother and her relationship with her son so well. And in that moment you realise how they really are left with only each other ;_; plus it makes you think… why?

Don’t want to spoil anything but both these films should be watched by everyone at least once in their lives. No amount of words and reviews can justify their perfection and impact.

Ok if you really wanna know why I haven’t been updating, it’s because not only have I been utterly moodless, I have been fucking unhappy. For a variety reasons but I guess you can sum everything up as due to how I am my own greatest enemy, forever thinking about stuff, especially the bad ones and my brain just refuses to shut the fuck up.

Don’t wanna use the D-word because it’s not like I have been dignosed with it or in case people think I’m just seeking attention. But like I said, everytime I think it’s gone, it returns, and it feels like it has never actually gone away… sometimes I feel really shitty and crazy and like I’m losing control and my mind.

This time I’ve been feeling this way for quite a while. Sure, I’m usually fine when I’m preoccupied in the day but the nights kill. Call it Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, call it insommia, I don’t care, but ugh falling asleep is such a chore most days. How is it possible for sleeping to be a chore, you might wonder, but yeah it is. That and I have been having unpleasant dreams the whole week (the serial killers one I tweeted about was just one day, the other days weren’t so bad but they were still unpleasant though I forgot what).

So yeah it has been going on for awhile, just there, but it didn’t get so intense until I found about about something few weeks back. And it’s actually something really trivial and doesn’t even matter anymore but I just can’t stop thinking about it. It will always be at the back of my mind, always lurking there, and I know this will add on to the list of things I will never get over.

Honestly I don’t think I have felt so disappointed by someone I consider a close friend before… the fact that you would even think that way and make a decision based on that false assumption. I don’t know why it bugs me so because it’s really trivial but it does. But it’s like turns out you don’t understand me at all? After so long, despite everything?

I don’t let a lot of people into my life but when I do, I trust and love and care for these people with all I have. And I hate it when people let me down in any way. Especially those that I love. So it really hurt when I found out okay. I feel disbelief, hurt, disappointment all at once. and yet I still desperately wish that I can put this stupid thing behind me and I still act normal and try hard to make things the same as before, make myself not dwell on it. I try. But it doesn’t work. This is something that will stay with me forever, even if you have no clue about it.

I have these occasional times when I feel so frustrated at the world that I think it’s better off to be alone and that I should just stop relying on people and trusting people. Only very rarely because deep down I do love those in my life. But ever since the above incident (it’s not even an incident because nothing actually happened), I feel like I am really alone.

No, really… when someone lets me down, I’ll always remember. When you don’t keep a promise, I remember. When you cancel on me without a valid reason, I remember. I just don’t say anything because I think in the long run, what matters most is the friendship. I wonder if people even realise how some things bug me. And still do.

Like if you have made solid plans to watch a movie with me, do it. Because I will really wait for you to watch it together. 1 person promised to watch Paranormal Activity 3 with me (I even picked a date with the first person at that time) and it’s been how long since the movie came out and I still haven’t watched it. When the theatres stopped screening the movie, we agreed to watch it on our own PCs in our own homes, but at the same time.

I still haven’t watched the damned movie.
I can watch it on my own but I haven’t. Why?

In fact, I can still remember a lot of things from long ago. Even 5 years ago. And I can truly say I haven’t gotten over a lot of things even from then till now. Some things stay with you forever, you know?

And I guess it’s a bad thing that I rarely ever share how I feel deep down (unless it’s happiness and anger, in that case you will see me spazzing or raging very expressively be it in public or on Twitter), with anyone. Everything is bottled inside of me and I’m used to doing that. But I really feel alone sometimes despite knowing I have awesome friends and family… and that feeling got worse after the “incident” I mentioned above, obviously.

My 365 films is supposed to be enjoyable, which it is, but it makes me feel quite sad and alone at times too. Because I don’t have anyone to discuss what I’ve watched with, most of the time. My taste in films is… different from what majority of my friends like. I like horror, thrillers, and whatever I find interesting. I do a lot of research on Google (e.g. Yahoo Answers) as well so some things I watch are not very well-known. I haven’t watched a lot of well-known films, a lot of romantic comedies (which I find to be all very generic because things always end well and that doesn’t happen in reality) etc.

Despite my love for horror films, I have never watched any of the Nightmare on Elm Street/Halloween/Saw films and a few of Friday The 13th. Before 2012, the only Disney films I have seen are beauty and The Beast and Tangled. And yet, most of Tumblr are ardent fans of Disney.

Same goes for songs and books actually. I have never really been interested in celebrities before 2011. I didn’t even know Justin Timerlake was part of N’Sync until I watched Friends With Benefits this year and Wiki-ed him after that. The only songs I listen to currently are those that have been on TVD and most people don’t care about them… I have only one friend in real life to discuss Delena with.

I have never opened a Harry Potter book in my whole life and I’m not a huge fan of the films so much that I would follow them. And yet everyone has read them and are such big fans. But nobody can spazz with me about my favourite series. I only know 3 people who have read The Hunger Games trilogy.

Yeah I get that I’m pathetic but I’m not gonna change my interests. Also, by now I’m doubly depressed as compared to when I started this post because I just realised how pathetic I actually am. Anyway back to the point. Can you blame me for feeling so alone and lonely… Although maybe I deserve it because I’m always being horrid to people and pushing people away and building walls. It’s what I do best.

And now I feel that my friends are gonna get upset with me for this post :/ I’m not upset with anyone okay, so don’t mind me. It’s just how I truly feel – alone, disappointed, let down, etc.

Actually the worst part is my own personality, I get it. Won’t go into that because I’m tired already but I have this dark side that gets so overwhelming at times it consumes me. I think such dark thoughts sometimes it scares me. I feel resentment and envy over things I should feel happy about. I overthink things.

Psychotic would be a good word and if I gave you examples, you would agree, but I won’t.
Because it’s really psychotic.

It’s no wonder I am always getting undesirably extreme scores on whatever personality tests I do online, while everyone else I know gets average scores. The empathy test, the disorder test, the self esteem test. The third wasn’t so bad because I saw some people on Tumblr getting single-digit scores but the first 2…. but well it’s just a stupid online test. Though I guess it’s a guage for how I am.

At first I questioned how I could have failed the empathy test because in literature class we were taught about it and to feel for the characters, and I do feel a lot for fictional characters. But then the next day I started tweeting stuff about An American Crime and Trust and how the main characters deserve it blah and I was like, “Oh.” That plus I have all along more capable of feeling empathy towards animals than humans.

The self-esteem one is also quite ridiculous because I feel okay most days. It’s just when I have a bad day that I think I’m incompetent and feel inferior and all kinds of inferior stuff about myself ok. And that happens only when it’s about schoolwork ok. Hiya but whatever stupid tests. Might blog more about my results and the links for those interested next time.

I don’t understand why I am like that either. Becoming worse even. I just want to be okay. I wish I was okay. Or to be more precise, happy. But I’m not and I don’t know why.

Pretty sure I will regret ever publishing this when I wake up tomorrow and at least one or two of my friends will hate me. I just know. Everytime I blog something honest, it never ends well. But I do it anyay and yeah, I don’t know why either.

twiinklex ❤

Category: Others

Book spazzing

I became my own worst enemy

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