I became my own worst enemy
March 19, 2012
Ok if you really wanna know why I haven’t been updating, it’s because not only have I been utterly moodless, I have been fucking unhappy. For a variety reasons but I guess you can sum everything up as due to how I am my own greatest enemy, forever thinking about stuff, especially the bad ones and my brain just refuses to shut the fuck up.
Don’t wanna use the D-word because it’s not like I have been dignosed with it or in case people think I’m just seeking attention. But like I said, everytime I think it’s gone, it returns, and it feels like it has never actually gone away… sometimes I feel really shitty and crazy and like I’m losing control and my mind.
This time I’ve been feeling this way for quite a while. Sure, I’m usually fine when I’m preoccupied in the day but the nights kill. Call it Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, call it insommia, I don’t care, but ugh falling asleep is such a chore most days. How is it possible for sleeping to be a chore, you might wonder, but yeah it is. That and I have been having unpleasant dreams the whole week (the serial killers one I tweeted about was just one day, the other days weren’t so bad but they were still unpleasant though I forgot what).
So yeah it has been going on for awhile, just there, but it didn’t get so intense until I found about about something few weeks back. And it’s actually something really trivial and doesn’t even matter anymore but I just can’t stop thinking about it. It will always be at the back of my mind, always lurking there, and I know this will add on to the list of things I will never get over.
Honestly I don’t think I have felt so disappointed by someone I consider a close friend before… the fact that you would even think that way and make a decision based on that false assumption. I don’t know why it bugs me so because it’s really trivial but it does. But it’s like turns out you don’t understand me at all? After so long, despite everything?
I don’t let a lot of people into my life but when I do, I trust and love and care for these people with all I have. And I hate it when people let me down in any way. Especially those that I love. So it really hurt when I found out okay. I feel disbelief, hurt, disappointment all at once. and yet I still desperately wish that I can put this stupid thing behind me and I still act normal and try hard to make things the same as before, make myself not dwell on it. I try. But it doesn’t work. This is something that will stay with me forever, even if you have no clue about it.
I have these occasional times when I feel so frustrated at the world that I think it’s better off to be alone and that I should just stop relying on people and trusting people. Only very rarely because deep down I do love those in my life. But ever since the above incident (it’s not even an incident because nothing actually happened), I feel like I am really alone.
No, really… when someone lets me down, I’ll always remember. When you don’t keep a promise, I remember. When you cancel on me without a valid reason, I remember. I just don’t say anything because I think in the long run, what matters most is the friendship. I wonder if people even realise how some things bug me. And still do.
Like if you have made solid plans to watch a movie with me, do it. Because I will really wait for you to watch it together. 1 person promised to watch Paranormal Activity 3 with me (I even picked a date with the first person at that time) and it’s been how long since the movie came out and I still haven’t watched it. When the theatres stopped screening the movie, we agreed to watch it on our own PCs in our own homes, but at the same time.
I still haven’t watched the damned movie.
I can watch it on my own but I haven’t. Why?
In fact, I can still remember a lot of things from long ago. Even 5 years ago. And I can truly say I haven’t gotten over a lot of things even from then till now. Some things stay with you forever, you know?
And I guess it’s a bad thing that I rarely ever share how I feel deep down (unless it’s happiness and anger, in that case you will see me spazzing or raging very expressively be it in public or on Twitter), with anyone. Everything is bottled inside of me and I’m used to doing that. But I really feel alone sometimes despite knowing I have awesome friends and family… and that feeling got worse after the “incident” I mentioned above, obviously.
My 365 films is supposed to be enjoyable, which it is, but it makes me feel quite sad and alone at times too. Because I don’t have anyone to discuss what I’ve watched with, most of the time. My taste in films is… different from what majority of my friends like. I like horror, thrillers, and whatever I find interesting. I do a lot of research on Google (e.g. Yahoo Answers) as well so some things I watch are not very well-known. I haven’t watched a lot of well-known films, a lot of romantic comedies (which I find to be all very generic because things always end well and that doesn’t happen in reality) etc.
Despite my love for horror films, I have never watched any of the Nightmare on Elm Street/Halloween/Saw films and a few of Friday The 13th. Before 2012, the only Disney films I have seen are beauty and The Beast and Tangled. And yet, most of Tumblr are ardent fans of Disney.
Same goes for songs and books actually. I have never really been interested in celebrities before 2011. I didn’t even know Justin Timerlake was part of N’Sync until I watched Friends With Benefits this year and Wiki-ed him after that. The only songs I listen to currently are those that have been on TVD and most people don’t care about them… I have only one friend in real life to discuss Delena with.
I have never opened a Harry Potter book in my whole life and I’m not a huge fan of the films so much that I would follow them. And yet everyone has read them and are such big fans. But nobody can spazz with me about my favourite series. I only know 3 people who have read The Hunger Games trilogy.
Yeah I get that I’m pathetic but I’m not gonna change my interests. Also, by now I’m doubly depressed as compared to when I started this post because I just realised how pathetic I actually am. Anyway back to the point. Can you blame me for feeling so alone and lonely… Although maybe I deserve it because I’m always being horrid to people and pushing people away and building walls. It’s what I do best.
And now I feel that my friends are gonna get upset with me for this post :/ I’m not upset with anyone okay, so don’t mind me. It’s just how I truly feel – alone, disappointed, let down, etc.
Actually the worst part is my own personality, I get it. Won’t go into that because I’m tired already but I have this dark side that gets so overwhelming at times it consumes me. I think such dark thoughts sometimes it scares me. I feel resentment and envy over things I should feel happy about. I overthink things.
Psychotic would be a good word and if I gave you examples, you would agree, but I won’t.
Because it’s really psychotic.
It’s no wonder I am always getting undesirably extreme scores on whatever personality tests I do online, while everyone else I know gets average scores. The empathy test, the disorder test, the self esteem test. The third wasn’t so bad because I saw some people on Tumblr getting single-digit scores but the first 2…. but well it’s just a stupid online test. Though I guess it’s a guage for how I am.
At first I questioned how I could have failed the empathy test because in literature class we were taught about it and to feel for the characters, and I do feel a lot for fictional characters. But then the next day I started tweeting stuff about An American Crime and Trust and how the main characters deserve it blah and I was like, “Oh.” That plus I have all along more capable of feeling empathy towards animals than humans.
The self-esteem one is also quite ridiculous because I feel okay most days. It’s just when I have a bad day that I think I’m incompetent and feel inferior and all kinds of inferior stuff about myself ok. And that happens only when it’s about schoolwork ok. Hiya but whatever stupid tests. Might blog more about my results and the links for those interested next time.
I don’t understand why I am like that either. Becoming worse even. I just want to be okay. I wish I was okay. Or to be more precise, happy. But I’m not and I don’t know why.
Pretty sure I will regret ever publishing this when I wake up tomorrow and at least one or two of my friends will hate me. I just know. Everytime I blog something honest, it never ends well. But I do it anyay and yeah, I don’t know why either.