What’s normal?

May 16, 2018 / 12:00AM

Guess what, I’m sick again. No fever this time but my throat and nose are killing me.

I was hungry and wanted to eat dinner but got turned off by the idea (and myself) after stepping on the weighing scale. So as an alternative, I shall distract myself by writing this instead. Sigh why do I do this to myself ?

Today at work Farah said she has no weight loss/fitness motivation but she’s content and I told her that should be the way. Because looks will eventually fade and how long do we have before that happens? Plus people who really matter won’t care what you look like. Which she agrees with. I can advise and talk sense at people with so much self-awareness but remain so incorrigible myself.

I also told her not to be like me because some days I really feel quite miserable from forcing myself not to eat. I wouldn’t want anyone to be like me la ok.

Anyway, we were talking and she said my life is “very interesting”. Because I can be legit doing nothing except my own work or walking home and I will have unusual encounters with random people despite me not looking for anything.

Then she asked what is it that I want or am looking for. But I really have no idea… like is everything I’m doing part of me acting out?

This sounds so much like me ?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t so messed up… Would I be happier? Less desperate for validation (it’s not attention that I want, but approval, because I do get a lot of unwarranted attention and they usually only end up making me feel uncomfortable)? Life would be less complicated, that’s for sure.

I like to say I don’t care and I force myself not to but that’s no way to live, right? I’m actually a very emotional person to the extent that my friends like to tease me about it ? and they know how I always claim not to care until I drink too much and all my true feelings come spilling out. But I feel like most people don’t deserve to know my true feelings. For instance, one promise I made to myself is to never cry in front of men no matter how hurt I feel.

All I write about here nowadays is my self-destructive behaviour but who cares, it’s my space. I still have lots on my mind but it’s very hard to say anything without revealing too much. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough.