We all go a little mad sometimes
July 19, 2020
I’m fine, really.
Call it a momentary psychotic break, temporary insanity, a meltdown, something I needed to do to purge it out of my system, whatever. So I relapsed for One Day, big freaking deal.
Is that One Day the worst thing that could happen to someone? No.
Is that One Day the worst thing to have happened to me? No.
Is that One Day the worst thing I have ever done? Doubt it, I didn’t hurt anyone.
Is that One Day the worst thing I have done to myself? Debatable.
Is that One Day the worst day I ever had? No.
Do I regret my actions on that One Day? Yes.
Do I wish I hadn’t done it? Yes.
Am I in pain because of that One Day? No.
Am I depressed? No.
Haven’t you? — Norman Bates
Perhaps there’s a handful of people who now think the worst of me or that I’m a horrid human being or that I seriously need help… but so what? Doesn’t matter. Ultimately, they are just fleeting people whose opinions don’t matter. I get that now.
Cos goddamn it I realise that sometimes I just need to cut myself some slack. It hasn’t even been a month. Who hasn’t had a bad day or made mistakes? At the end of the day, all I have is myself so I really gotta be kinder to myself. Be your own biggest cheerleader and everything.
The thing about life is you are allowed to start over anytime. Every day is a new day to start afresh, a new beginning. So yeah I had one bad day, now let’s move on. Back to normal life.
In 2016, I read this book called Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig. I felt like it… saved me. One of those rare books that just seem to get it. Decided to re-read it earlier and even though I don’t feel the same level of despair now as I did then, it’s still relevant.
First and foremost, I feel like the book acknowledges your pain and what you are going through before anything else. Not try to give you solutions or explain anything or say all the usual cliches. It acknowledges how you are feeling and that it’s okay to feel that way.
And sometimes that’s all you want. For someone to acknowledge what you are going through and not tell you things you already know like ‘it happens’ or ‘it’s part of life’ or ‘time will heal everything’ or ‘get over it’. You think I don’t know all of that already?
Instead of telling you that you are not alone, that there are people who love you, who will listen to you, who care for you (which I’m sure all of us already know), it acknowledges that pain, no matter how small, is a very isolating experience.
Which I completely agree with. As much as I love my loved ones, there are still things I’ll never be able to share and things nobody else will ever get.
It’s all I have been doing. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to go anything beyond a one-liner when people ask why. I want you to accept it, to believe it when I say I’m okay. I like it when people buy it and say I seem to be coping well. At least I can do one thing right.
Of course, I have been slipping up recently. The cracks are starting to show. Excuse me while I patch them up. Meanwhile, please play along, thank you very much.
This is true. I meant it when I say nothing can hurt me as much now. I’ve felt worse. I’ve had worse days. Last Friday and 27 days ago? Inconsequential.
That soft warm cushioning of existence that is so comforting you end up forgetting the hangover that will ensue 🙂!!! In another chapter, he wrote that if you can’t stop at the first glass, you are probably not stopping at the third. Tell me about it.
Admittedly it feels nice to be high and light and numb to the bad stuff… until you are off your fucking face and by then it’s too late.
Why when faced with Sensible Choices and Bad Decisions, more often than not I end up choosing the latter. And I’m not the only one.
I wish I listened to myself more. Honestly, I do know what works for me and what doesn’t. Been there, done that. But sometimes you have to go through it for it to sink in. I knew I was on the path of self-destruction but I forgot how it felt like to bask in regret and self-loathing so now I have my reminder.
Keep going, keep going, keep going. The only way out is through.
You did it before, you can do it again.
Which brings me back to what I wrote at the start.
I’m going to be okay.