July 18, 2020
Yesterday was a new low, even for me. This was exactly what I had been expecting and what I was afraid of. The thing about switching off and keeping everything buried is that all it takes is a trigger for the dam to break and everything to come rushing out.
I knew it was going to happen eventually, just not this soon or that I would sink this low. I think even drunk crying would be healthier than this. This feeling nothing and/or pretending to feel nothing and pushing myself so far, too far until now all I feel is shame and regret which I think is worse.
I thought I was doing ok this week, truly. An indulgent and relaxing Monday without work, lots of exercise over the next 3 days, a social life not involving alcohol. Then boom, Friday. Should have known a day of eating nothing except hotcakes > coffee > rum > coffee >whiskey > wine would be anything but normal.
It’s weird that I can be self-aware, that I can see how things will play out, that people who understand me can see how things will play out and try to convince me to do the right thing, but I will still choose self-destruction even though we all know it’s not going to end well.
But at least when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up? Supposing I don’t stoop even lower.