June 14, 2018
June 14, 2018 / 10:56PM
My troubles are far from over. Got dealt a second blow today.
And there I was, thinking I was in the clear and that I could finally take a chill pill and wanting to turn over a new leaf. Why bother? So here I am, drinking wine (I chilled a whole bottle for myself) and writing this.
Yes I know it has been only two weeks and actual change takes much longer to prove. But I really did try my best by keeping to my healthy routines (work, gym, reading etc) and staying away from self-destructive behaviour (no binge-drinking, cutting off narratives etc). And while there were times when my thoughts wandered, I never acted on them.
Which should be what counts, right? But is there a point to being good if shit is gonna happen anyway? Admittedly this shit was brought on before I decided to try and be a better person, but still…
I’m just feeling a whole mix of emotions.
Confused: How could this have happened? When? What did I do? How could I have let it happen? How did it happen???
Unfair: Why me? What did I do to deserve this (ok, quite a few bad/wrong things but I never meant to hurt anyone and if anything, it was always me who winded up feeling hurt or getting the short end of the stick)? Is what I have done so bad that it warrants such a punishment? Just because I seek affection and attention from the wrong people?
Angry: Who did this to me? Who left me this mess? Was it on purpose because I feel like it’s possible the culprit knew and did it anyway.
Disgust: I’m repulsed by myself, is that possible? I have never felt self-disgust to such degree. If I were not me, I would not want to come near me.
Guilty: I’ve not just caused myself pain and distress, I’ve inflicted on people I care about and perhaps even people I don’t even know. I set off a whole chain of events and I should have known that there are always consequences for our every action. Everything has a cause and effect. Surely I didn’t think I could have gotten away scot-free, to consciously do reckless and stupid shit and expect to come out unscathed? Look at what I have done.
Sad: I lost a good thing in my life that brought me some degree of happiness. And turns out it most likely fell apart because of me. Things have changed forever even if everything turns out fine and nothing will be the same again. No amount of apology can convey how sorry I am or undo the damage I have inflicted and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.
I’m someone who internally criticises myself a lot, points out my flaws to myself all the time, terrible self-esteem, but because I’m human, only I can do it to myself and I get upset when people criticise me. It makes me very self-defensive and touchy and aggrieved.
Today’s blow pretty much knocked me off my judgemental high horse because hey guess what, people were right and I am the problem all along. Perhaps this is my second lesson.
I’m so tired and I just want everything to be over. Daren’t and shan’t hope for more.
I wish this narrative had a different ending. But sometimes the stories write you instead of the other way round and you realise you don’t really have control after all.