Crying on the roof
September 18, 2015
Last Monday (Sep 7) was a Bad Day.
Our company has a rooftop party called ‘Up On the Roof’ every end of the month but Jeremy and I had our own private party there last week at midnight. All I wanted was to try the soju he brought back from his overseas work trip but alcohol and I haven’t exactly been seeing eye to eye very much this year.
I ended up crying on-off for three hours. If when I passed out cold and broke my tooth was a 10, and the Super Summer beach party when I injured my leg and wailed the place down was a 9, this is about a 7.
I was skeptical about the 17% alcohol content at first but now I know better… Can you believe that a bottle like this is only S$1.50 in Korea???
At first I was just sitting on the ledge and talking rubbish like whether a fall from that height would result in instant death but Jeremy made me come down. Then I can’t remember what triggered it but afterwards I started crying. While lying down on the wooden table, on the bench and everywhere. Then he tried to take the bottle away from me and said I had enough but I started ranting.
“You can’t take it back after giving it to me, do you know that it is very cruel to give someone something, let them know how it feels like and how happy it can make you, only to take it away from them????”
“Are you talking about yourself?”
Wonder what a sight I must have been (luckily it was dark). It was really just loads of crying and ranting. Like a purge.
Jeremy kept telling me that it’s not worth it and that I knew this was bound to happen someday even if not now (nothing I don’t already know. Like I said before, I am and was logically aware of everything since Day 1). Kept insisting I was the one making myself sad. Maybe, but it’s better than feeling nothing.
Last month, we were discussing something completely unrelated and serious but his response was so funny that I’ll never forget it. So I kept quoting him and telling him that me being sad is my problem as well. He had no witty retort since they were his words.
But really… it’s my own problem. I’m not hurting or affecting anyone but myself. And honestly I do not care very much about myself anymore.
Call it acting out or whatever but I keep doing reckless shit. Then I’ll somehow think of what you would be saying if you knew. How you used to always tell me I’m too trusting (ironic isn’t it…), your reaction when I broke my tooth etc and upset myself even more.
Anyway, we went to eat at Meng’s Kitchen after I sobered up because food makes everything better. I think Jeremy was waiting for an appropriate, non-crying time to give me some cute socks he got me in Korea. Sorry I’m always such a pain when drunk… though half the time he’s the one who brings me the alcohol.
And then as usual, I somehow magically managed to show up for work the following day, looking and feeling completely fine. Proud to say I’ve never once let personal problems affect my work.