Crying and dying
September 10, 2015
Not long ago, my mum said she doesn’t understand why I have “so many guy friends yet none of them catches my eye” (she has no clue). I had no answer.
Not sure what’s wrong with me but sometimes I wonder if I’m masochistic to inflict such pain on myself. I knew from the start that it was going to end badly and yet I still selfishly went ahead with it (maybe this is my punishment and I deserve the suffering now). So many people out there who are willing to offer me much more and treat me a hundred times better than he did but yet he’s the one I’m still hung up over.
Everyone keeps telling me that I deserve better. Who is to say what is better though? The only one I feel for is the toxic one who just so happens to be the very worst choice and completely wrong for me. Why do I do this to myself?
It’s not like I am desperate or lack options. I received these messages from 3 different people in just one day today (less than two hours actually, if you look at the time).
More if you wanna include days and weeks. Not that it matters or makes a difference. Really grateful for the concern, friendship and affection but I am undeserving of it all. These people are the ones who deserve ‘better’ rather than someone’s who so emotionally unstable and baggage-ridden with zero self-worth and self-respect.
Don’t know what I’m doing anymore. All I am able to feel right now is crying and dying. It’s getting so bad that someone suggested I get “professional help”.