twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

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Don’t be creepy or annoying

rainbow unicorn

Yesterday (April 1) was so good and I’m so happy (NOT because of what I’m going to talk about) that I can feel a rainbow shining out of my ass. Yeah I’m really freaking ridiculous… over-thinking nothing into something as always.

Then again it could be that “one day of the week” which I was talking about in my previous post. Watch me go crazy and emo shit after a few days all over again omg can I stop being such a jerk to myself???

I’m actually enjoying my course which turned out to be a lot more interesting than I’d expected plus I’m learning very useful things. Scored 9/20 on a impromptu spelling test and I have never even heard of two words. Wow spell-check has ruined us all… Lol am I a writer or not.

Spent a grand total of three and a half hours in class yesterday, not counting lunch which was over two hours long. Bumped into Azhar and the rest after I ended class at 4pm. They were just leaving for lunch so I tagged along.

rainbow unicorn

Complained about this guy whom Estelle and I met at the gym the day before. Personally, I think he is worse than Birdman. He kept looking at us, started telling us that we were doing it all wrong (“My major is sports science so I don’t talk for air”) plus a whole load of other stuff and then stared some more. Like totally judging us and I felt sooo uncomfortable.

Didn’t mind listening to his supposed tips even though I asked if running can burn fats and he said my intensity was not high enough. Any faster and I’ll be flying off the treadmill ok?! What I really hated was the staring because it made me feel self-conscious and not feel like carrying on anymore. So I didn’t.

Anyway, the moment I mentioned sports science, Azhar and Jeremy figured out who I was referring to… because they were all friends. Then my dear editor, ‘tactful’ as always, immediately went to message Kaypohguy about Estelle and me.

According to Azhar, who was chortling the whole time he read out the messages, Kaypohguy referred to me as the “small cute cute one” and said I “can be model”.

demi lovato hahaha no gif

ummm no gif

I have never felt more out of shape than nowadays. I chomped my way from Christmas into 2015, through New Zealand and Chinese New Year and Hong Kong. I also kept indulging in eating my feelings… and trust me, I have a lot of feelings.

Unfortunately, Azhar wasn’t done. To verify that he and Kaypohguy were talking about the same girl, he took a candid photo of me on the spot and I didn’t even realise it until later when he said so. Wtf why you do this to me???

Me: Couldn’t you have chosen a flattering photo from my Facebook to send instead?

CK: That’s what you are concerned about? Not that he is taking and sending your photo?

doctor who shake head gif

But Let’s-Make-Cherlynn-Uncomfortable Day was far from over.

Left ahead of the rest and returned to office because I had something on. I was standing at the lobby when Birdman popped out from behind me and went, “Hello baby!” Then he started talking non-stop as usual. Still talking when Azhar and the rest came back and walked past us.

so done gif


On drugs

All references to drugs in this post are metaphorical. I am not on crack… not literally, anyway.

Spent the whole day reading Love, Rosie (movie made me cry and I have a feeling the book will rip me into pieces) and watching movies. So therapeutic… definitely could do with more days like this.

Was back at work for the week in light of recent events and my course resumes next week. Nice eating with my colleagues again… I laughed so hard that I spat out my drink at Kumar and Estelle on two occasions. Omg I’m so gross and easily amused around people I adore.

On Friday I ordered this and did a double take at the huge portion. Then the stall assistant asked, “Enough?” which I couldn’t tell was a serious question or not. I didn’t even ask for more… All I asked was to swop the bread and salad (who wants to eat that crap? Not me) to soup and colesaw. To which he answered, “Only for you can.” Lol ok.

Ok mundane rant up ahead. You will no idea what it is but I just need to let it out.

I’m tired all the time and I don’t feel fucking functional at all. So much for feeling like less of a wreck. The emotional strain is so much that it is taking a physical toll on me. I just want to feel okay again.

It’s funny… Remember when I was upset in January? I’m actually miserable over something else now. Yet up till last year I was so happy and felt like I had everything going for me. It’s not that life isn’t good now… Still got my job and travelling and all that makes me happy. I just don’t feel good.

I feel like I am on drugs. I am happy and high on adrenaline for like one day of the week, then I start to slowly fall apart over the next few days, drowning in insecurity and the desire for more. Then I resolve to pick myself up, be functional and cool as a cucumber, convince myself that I’m strong and I’ll be fine. That I’ll be okay. Sometimes I do feel okay. But the cycle just repeats itself all over again.

Hahaha I’m a joke and disappointment to myself. Surely I am better than this.

I guess not, because I don’t want to stop taking drugs. Can’t stop. It’s a lonely journey of more lows than highs with no possibility of an outcome, except for bad ones maybe. Yet whatever little highs there are seem to make all the pain and misery worth it.

It’s toxic. So why do I do this to myself? Other than the fact that I’m selfish, weak, cowardly, spineless and have zero self-control (just look at the way I shop). Some days I actually think I deserve to feel this way for being such a terrible person.

I know I willingly walked into this (no regrets) but just because I know what I signed up for, doesn’t make things any easier. It’s so fucking hard even when I expect so little… and sometimes I make it worse by allowing hope to slip in.

I am not even going to kid myself that things will get better. It is as good as it gets now and will probably only get worse. It might get better after shit hits the fan and I survive that. I guess I will. I always do. Imagine dying from an overdose though…

My philosophy even when not drunk. And yeah, I don’t want to kick the drug habit… So just pretend you never read this post because I don’t want / need / deserve help.

Feeling dead on the inside and I think it’s starting to show on the exterior too. Is this what actual drug addicts feel like? Going to distract myself by planning my next holiday.