twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

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Tag: life

Treat yoself

May 27, 2018 / 6:57PM

I’m actually in relatively good spirits this week even though I’m (still) coughing my lungs out and my feet are dotted with swollen mosquito bites. Maybe because I am too tired and lazy to summon the willpower/discipline to starve myself. If anything, I ate a lot of sinful food all week and it is just so comforting that I don’t want to think about calories.

Plus I suppose I can afford to cut myself some slack after all the hard work. I think I lost like 10 pounds??? Quite proud of myself even if my methods weren’t the healthiest. But at least I got here… I was looking at my photos from Feb and thinking how fat I was even though that’s only like 3 months ago.

THANK YOU MY FRIENDS ???

And I also feel like everyone has been extra nice to me this week maybe because they can tell I’m not feeling my best.

I was feeling damn sian on Wednesday because my intern has been giving me a lot of problems. Then Karl and Mark asked me to go Jollibee with them for lunch but it was only noon (I usually can’t get away till 2pm) and I still had quite a few important articles to do.

At first I was like ok nvm… ? Then I realised eh fuck it la why can’t I fuck care this once and it’s not like I get this chance every day and it’s the perfect day for this since CK is not around and Farah is fasting. So I really left everything and disappeared for 2 hours. Mark drove and Karl paid and I felt sooo good eating pasta and fried chicken and fries.

I know it’s just lunch but I was unusually grateful for the respite from work and my miserable diet and self-torture. Mark said he has been eating health food for 7 months so he “really needed this” which I totally get.

Also had a lot of wine that night (2 bottles for 2 people but I think I drank more) then I both liquid vomited and word vomited omg what’s wrong with me.

On Thursday evening, someone actually cooked me a meal and brought it all the way to my office ? Even the gift was very thoughtful and I was touched by the effort. Then someone else gave me VIP tickets to the FAFF premiere on Friday which was enjoyable.

Thank you everyone ok I really appreciate all these nice gestures and when people say nice things instead of unwarranted shit. And it’s always nice knowing that there are people who care about me.

I also had a lot of fun this weekend unboxing and sorting several parcels that arrived from overseas! One of them was actually 7kg and contained the leatherbound classics that I ordered online ???

Barnes & Noble Leatherbound Classics

SO PRETTY RIGHT WTF and they all have gilt-edged pages of gold and silver. Honestly they are not very cheap and more than what I would usually pay for a book but considering they are all special editions and collections of multiple stories, it’s quite worth it.

Just looking at them on my shelf makes me so happy ? My mother came into my room, shook her head and said I need to see a shrink for book obsession.

Barnes & Noble Leatherbound Classics Book Depository

Oh and look, I am capable of upbeat posts ok.


What’s normal?

May 16, 2018 / 12:00AM

Guess what, I’m sick again. No fever this time but my throat and nose are killing me.

I was hungry and wanted to eat dinner but got turned off by the idea (and myself) after stepping on the weighing scale. So as an alternative, I shall distract myself by writing this instead. Sigh why do I do this to myself ?

Today at work Farah said she has no weight loss/fitness motivation but she’s content and I told her that should be the way. Because looks will eventually fade and how long do we have before that happens? Plus people who really matter won’t care what you look like. Which she agrees with. I can advise and talk sense at people with so much self-awareness but remain so incorrigible myself.

I also told her not to be like me because some days I really feel quite miserable from forcing myself not to eat. I wouldn’t want anyone to be like me la ok.

Anyway, we were talking and she said my life is “very interesting”. Because I can be legit doing nothing except my own work or walking home and I will have unusual encounters with random people despite me not looking for anything.

Then she asked what is it that I want or am looking for. But I really have no idea… like is everything I’m doing part of me acting out?

This sounds so much like me ?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I wasn’t so messed up… Would I be happier? Less desperate for validation (it’s not attention that I want, but approval, because I do get a lot of unwarranted attention and they usually only end up making me feel uncomfortable)? Life would be less complicated, that’s for sure.

I like to say I don’t care and I force myself not to but that’s no way to live, right? I’m actually a very emotional person to the extent that my friends like to tease me about it ? and they know how I always claim not to care until I drink too much and all my true feelings come spilling out. But I feel like most people don’t deserve to know my true feelings. For instance, one promise I made to myself is to never cry in front of men no matter how hurt I feel.

All I write about here nowadays is my self-destructive behaviour but who cares, it’s my space. I still have lots on my mind but it’s very hard to say anything without revealing too much. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough.