Pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her
May 27, 2023
Life is great. I don’t only think I look good, I feel fantastic too. Similar to in 2019 when I was in love with life and living. Of course, it is not without months of hard work, consistency and commitment to improving my life so I think I fully deserve this. And the best is yet to come because I still have so much I want to do. Right now, I’m just enjoying every moment.
It’s just this one thing I’m failing so spectacularly at, it makes me want to laugh at myself. I’m trying to be mindful of the way I talk to myself but lollll I think I deserve a good telling-off when it comes to this.
Is it a coincidence or a sign that Taylor Swift just dropped some really wow songs? (A nod in the title to my favourite track) Because the accuracy! The relevancy! The timing! Guess I’m not the only one feeling exhausted and DONE.
I’m tired of asking, begging even, to be seen and heard, but not being seen or heard. Time and time again I’ve voiced how I feel and the usual happens but in fact nothing has changed and the cycle just repeats itself. I’m tired of begging for morsels of time and attention and affection, and making do with scraps. Tired of thinking it’s two-way but not getting the same energy back. Tired of leaving myself exposed, raw and vulnerable for nothing. Tired of feeling rejected and unwanted.
Sure, they want you… but only when it’s convenient.
Often I wonder if I want it only because I know I can’t have it, because it will forever be pointless and foolish, because I feel like I have to work for it and earn it, so there’s a challenge to some extent. Human nature, isn’t it?
It’s funny how they tell you that you deserve better but yet they don’t just *be* better.
Funny how I’m asking for bare minimum and not even getting it. Why am I even asking for bare minimum? I deserve the whole darn world.
It is laughable that I can see it clearly for what it is but yet still struggle with it. Because I know my self-control is strong when I want it to be. Maybe a small part of me hopes that somehow this time will be different (it never is).
I guess I’m writing this as a reminder to love and respect myself enough to just let it go and walk away. One thing I actually agree with is yes, I deserve so much better.