Dumb and tired

November 16, 2018 / 12:50AM

I know I say I’m tired every day but I really am.

My intern asked me a few days ago if I’m okay and I said, “Not okay also have to be okay” and this is pretty much our lives at work. Like both of us are not feeling well but we come to work anyway because otherwise there’s nobody else to do the work and we feel guilty.

She also said she always tells her friends about how I once wrote ten articles and then still went running at the gym, and they will all be like huh?!?!?! 😂 But hey I love running and I’m not gonna use work as an excuse to not exercise ok.

I don’t know how I am still alive because to be honest, I don’t think a regular person can handle my workload. And it’s crazy that sometimes we full-timers work 7 days a week with no breaks in between… in fact, I’ve calculated and I will be working 19 days in a row before my next off day and I don’t know how this is even happening.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the content, I love writing, I love helping people to solve their issues. But lately I’ve been thinking how so many people want me to help them with their grievances every day, but who’s gonna help with mine? And I really want to help all of them but there’s only so much I can do with limited time and resources.

I feel so under-appreciated… clearly the company doesn’t care or I wouldn’t be working alone with just one intern. People are always shocked whenever I tell them that one of Singapore’s most famous websites runs on only two people on a typical day.

My direct boss tries to make it better with free lunches and letting us leave early on slower days but I am still exhausted from doing so much every day.

Then there’s the bunch of keyboard warriors who just wanna shit on everything we write. And sometimes the people I helped don’t even appreciate it and/or want more zzzz.

Anyway I’m really burned out to the point where I feel like my work quality and quantity is dropping. Some days I wonder what I’m even writing. I am not a quitter and I always do the best I can, but I am not a robot. And eventually there comes a point where I just won’t be able to go on anymore.

I guess I just wish there was somebody who understood. But there isn’t anyone and nobody ever can because nobody has as much to do as me. They can just focus on their own stories. But not only do I have to do my own work, I also have to manage all the content and the hotline and monitor everything and check their work (who’s gonna check mine for me?) every single day I’m in the office. Oh and I’m also the only one who can do Chinese content.

So ya which is why I say I’m dumb… I should just not care and do the bare minimum and nobody can do anything about it anyway. It’s not like anyone cares about the website or me or my work. We have won awards for 4 years in a row and I did the submissions for all 4 years, but hey who cares right.

Today I wished I could rewind back to six months ago when I felt so much happier and motivated and fulfilled. At least then I had a few readers who commented regularly and sometimes left compliments (most disappeared together after some privacy policy changes I think). And I still had my closest confidante who visited the site just to read my articles and thought the world of me (who pretends I don’t exist now).

Some might think it’s stupid that I pay attention to the comments on my articles but they do mean a lot to me. I told my intern today that sometimes I feel like these readers are the only ones who appreciate what I do.

Ok I sound so whiny but I am really tired and stressed and in low spirits. There are other factors besides work but I’m too lazy to go on. Wish there was something to look forward to. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life la but I know things will be easier if I just stop caring so much. What’s the point anyway?

So so so tired.