April 15, 2016
5am and can’t sleep despite the hectic long day I had. Too much coffee? And as usual, I’m thinking things I shouldn’t be thinking about.
Funny how there were so many turning points actually. And at each of these points, I could have chosen to simply turn my back and walk away instead of letting things go even further… But I didn’t. So many chances I’ve had to avoid this pain and hurt but I chose to go on ahead, sometimes even with open arms.
Despite the many chances given to me, I just kept sinking deeper. And some lines, once crossed, there’s no going back.
1. Could have just ignored you or not been so friendly during the first few days.
2. Shouldn’t have entertained you when you were testing the waters or encouraged your advances but you had me intrigued… that’s all it was for me at first
3. Shouldn’t have let you accompany me at that stupid (not really… It’s pretty) landmark that night, with all the lights hanging around and it was so peaceful and nice.
4. First uncrossable line in the form of meaningful conversations and magical laughter.
It was one of those moments where you saved me, you made me laugh at just the right time. — Gone Girl
5. I was prepared to forget all about it but then came a new day and you were still all warm smiles like we shared a secret.
6. More magical moments of knowing looks and surreptitious smiles and butterflies.
7. Very first goodbye… It should have ended there. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I wanted more. So I went for it as I didn’t want a life of regrets and what ifs. I told myself it didn’t matter if you didn’t feel the same because then at least I know at least I tried.
9. Second uncrossable line in the form of a text that I should never have sent… And I really wasn’t expecting it but you replied and you wanted to see me the very next day.
10. Seeing you again was the third line I crossed and also when I knew I was fucked because I really didn’t want to feel this way. I shouldn’t.
I knew you were trouble when you walked in. Alarms and warning bells going off in my head, the rational side of me yelling no… but it was already too late. I still wanted more.
Some days I was really happy, as scarce as they were. Some days I really let myself believe it was all going to turn out okay. Some days I even convinced myself that I didn’t need more. But I did. The thing about being given crumbs is that you are always left starving.
When people ask me about it, the first question usually tends to be, “Did you know?” Like it would make a difference. Like they were looking for a reason not to judge me or excuse what I did. Like they wanted to be able to just blame you alone and then tell me it wasn’t my fault. Like maybe I wasn’t such an awful person and I could be forgiven if I didn’t know.
Yes I always knew and I am not ashamed to admit it. That doesn’t make my feelings any less real. And yes, maybe it would have been better if we had never crossed paths at all. But even now I can’t say I regret any of it… because I don’t.
I just wish things could have been different. And if only I had done some things differently instead of being such a doormat or pushover when it came to you… not that it would have made any difference still.
But it’s okay. This is a memory that I will always hold close to my heart and one that will forever mean something to me. Mine and mine alone.