June 26, 2012
Actually, the real reason I haven’t been updating as frequently is because I’m starting to feel fake writing all these happy stuff, trying so hard to omit all the less-than-happy details and forget about it, just focusing on the good stuff. I try, I really do. Who doesn’t want to be happy? But it’s not working and I just find it increasingly hard to update properly. I simply can’t bring myself to fake being happy when I’m not.
It’s not that I pretend something is happy when it’s not. Not really. More of like I just avoid mentioning all the bad stuff altogether. Keep feeling and realising things, and it just makes everything else I know to be a lie. All of the entries that’s been published before, a lie, all of it. What I know to be true… or thought was true… it just all feels like a lie now.
Yes you can say something significant happened to trigger this feeling of everything seeming like a lie. And I try to get over it but it seems like every aspect of my life has something happening to make me feel, “Why bother? Why fucking bother?”
To be honest I don’t know why I make myself out to be someone who’s so happy on my blog. It’s like I am trying to convince myself that I am, that I just have to think positive and focus on the good stuff. But hey guess what, it’s not really working and I just end up feeling disturbed and terrible pretty often. Don’t get me wrong. I do feel happy-ish and I do have fun but I just wouldn’t actually say I’m happy and mean it.
Content yes, grateful yes, happy-ish yes. And with that comes insecurity, self-consciousness, paranoia of epic proportions (oh god it fucking kills me and I just wish I can fucking stop but I can’t and I don’t know why) blah blah blah.
Let’s take the previous post on the photoshoot as an example. I was happy and I did have fun but I did not mention all the other negative things. I was hesitant to even participate in the first place because everyone else seems so stylish/fashionable/pretty/adorable while here I am with my herp derpy self. Not entirely sure I belong in the picture.
I posted some studio shots but none of them were solos of me because hey guess what, I thought I looked fucking horrible in them. Still the whole time I kept telling myself to just stop being so self-conscious and paranoid and insecure and JUST HAVE FUN. So it actually worked and I had a great time nonetheless.
Till at night when the pictures were all uploaded and I actually felt really depressed at how I looked and starting ranting to my friends. I honestly thought the best shot of me that day was the one of my back view with my hair. Then I felt like everyone who complimented me that day lied to me wtf which is fucking ridiculous and just me being me.
I am sorry I know it’s annoying being constantly negative but it’s not like I don’t try or maybe I just don’t try hard enough. And people are always so disappointing but why is it like that. Do I disappoint anyone? I hate it when people say something, makes you full of anticipation, only to not go through with it. I hate it I hate it I hate it but I tell myself to suck it up anyway but there is only so much one person can take. Honestly I just feel so under-appreciated more often than not…
Sometimes I wake up full of promise for the day, all hopeful and positive, then one extremely minor thing can ruin it all. Why do I have to be this way. My paranoia and oversensitivity just ruins it all and I just end up sitting at one side feeling like one sad little fuck.
Today I went to the school toilet, sat down on the bowl and just spent time trying to finish my ebook. Only came out when I did and the cleaning lady started banging her mop everywhere and slamming doors to show her displeasure. Yes I get it but fuck off. Wonder if there’s a quieter and more serene hideout but just as personal? Not the first time I did this and I just wanna stay in my own space, undisturbed, doing my own thing.
Sorry if I annoy you… I probably do. And now I’m thinking that I might have said too much so bye. Remember not to take anything personally because it’s probably just me.
One Reply to “Truth…?”
Hey twiinkle cheer up *hugz* everyone goes through times where they think “why bother” “whats the point” and the like, its just about taking the time to really find yourself. zoning out and immersing yourself in a book can be a good help but one thing you always have to remember is no matter how low you feel or how down you get you will always have some amazing friends around you that know what an amazing person you are 🙂 besides that, you looked great in that photoshoot <3