Everybody’s coming to get me

So recently I retook this personality disorder test which I’d blogged about here before. As you can see, I’ve gotten a lot worse and at the actual site itself, they briefly explained each disorder. Unfortunately, I find my results to be quite accurate based on the explanations. You probably won’t understand why but it’s myself and I know myself enough…

Worst is I’m the only one I know with such drastic results. Everyone else I told to take the test has mostly lows and 1-3 moderates and highs. Yeah comforting much. Nevermind, I’m trying!!! It’s just that some things that happen in life seem out to make everything become very high. Someone suggested seeing a counsellor but I figured rather than throwing away money to confirm that I really do have a problem, I might as well talk to my blog.

I will just touch briefly on Paranoia for now but before I begin, if you are going to take offense or make fun of me or say mean things behind my back, please leave. If you think I’m doing this for attention or can’t put yourself in my shoes, please leave. What is in this entry stays in this entry. I did not plan on making my results public but I have my reasons.

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Some days are okay and my paranoia seems dormant. Some days it just gets really hard and paranoia kicks in twice as hard. Let’s talk about me complaining more than usual these days because of school being such a major stressor. Why I complain so much (obviously I try not to but sometimes!!!) will be for another day.

I find myself quite irksome (yes, you have no idea.. or maybe you do) nowadays because I can’t stop complaining and I have this bugging voice in me telling me that everyone feels the same. Everytime I tweet something, I can imagine all the things people must be saying behind my back already… especially when people seem to always take what I tweet/blog personally when I meant it in a general way. (Trust me, if I’m directing something at you, I’ll make sure it’s so obvious that you know it). All the imaginary voices. Half of my brain is probably filled with unreal conversations with real people which I make up.

I am sorry for irritating and polluting your timelines but if I could help it, I wouldn’t have tweeted it. I can’t differentiate truth from paranoia but rest assured, neither feels good. So if you are one of those who hasn’t been saying nasty things about me (I’d rather you tell me anonymously on Formspring than behind my back actually) – has anyone been?? Or is it really paranoia?? – thank you for being kind and understanding 🙂 it really means a lot and helps a lot.

I try to curb myself, okay? I really do. I was even tempted to delete my Twitter but the hassle is just not worth it. My ads, preserving my username for future use, etc.

Let’s talk about generally. Which is really stupid and started weeks back. Ugh didn’t use to experience this. But same thing… if I could help it, this entry wouldn’t even exist. Sometimes in public, especially during mornings when I’m on the train to school, I feel like everyone is judging me omg -_- scrutinising how I look and stuff. And thing is, I don’t even know them which makes everything even more ridiculous. I don’t do or wear anything very attention-catching right? So why would people bother about me? I have to keep telling myself that -_-

I don’t know which is worse. Hoping that it’s just paranoia and that I’m imagining things aka admitting that I have an appalling probability of having this disorder, or that there’s no disorder and that I’m right about people. Sigh these 2 are just the prime 2 examples, don’t get me started on the other stuff. I’ll admit that sometimes I’m so horrid and unpleasant because I think people are out to get me -__- like if I’m a bitch first then you will not have the chance to be a bitch. Does that make sense?

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Well anyway, I’m at quite a low point in life mentally and emotionally now. There are still quite a few things on my mind but I’m trying to not let them take control of me and be less of a worrywart. Meanwhile, I sincerely thank everyone who has shown any form of support (from the girls hearing me talk to people checking my blog because they are genuinely interested etc etc) and those who have been kind 🙂 I tend to remember every kind word/act, even a simple “Are you okay?” (though I’ll probably lie as usual). But still, no matter how small, it means something to me and I appreciate it.

On a more cheery note, look what I spotted weeks back on my way to buy pet food :’D