Everyday is a battle
August 8, 2011
My exact feelings. All of it.
Do you know how much it sucks to think that everything is fine now and you are finally happy again, only to find out that the sadness never left? It’s just lying somewhere and lurking, waiting for its chance to make its re-appearance and strike again. If you knew me long enough, you’d know that I’m this happy and optimistic person by nature, where sadness was just a passing feeling at random times. Yet now I feel more like this fucked up mess where feeling happy is so fleeting and rare that I have to record it down.
Aaaandddd as if I need more emotional baggage, my problems with sleeping at night have resurfaced. I thought they got better, and for awhile they did, but… It came back few days ago, so I know it’s not because of study break. Which only just started. Few days ago = still waking up in the mornings and being drained by all the work so I should be very tired and fall asleep easily but noooo. And yes I am actually very tired but I end up tossing and turning for hours before I finally sleep. Shut down. The only time whereby I don’t have to think about anything.
To top it all off, today I had one of the nicest dreams ever. Which I hate with every fibre of my being and wish I never had. Because that is all it will ever be – a dream. I don’t even know why I even wanted it to be real for a moment when I know very well that will never happen. No, really. It’s so far off from reality and the truth, it’s almost funny. There is just something very wrong with wishing someone who obviously doesn’t give a shit about your existence and probably wishes you were never part of his or her life, to be back in yours. I am perfectly fine without you in my life. That is, until I start thinking about you.
It is weird how random things like this can make me feel more fucked up than I already am. Which is what I hate. Why am I letting a stupid dream affect me? The worst part is all I actually want it to be real… despite a lot of things. Hmmm can’t say much without getting into trouble but the fact that I would pick the less sensible choice if the situation really exists. It’s sad and twisted.
I keep telling myself to be happy with what I have now.
Then I wondered that maybe, I was happier with what I had.