Today will be different… not.
July 15, 2011
“Today will be different. It has to be. I will smile and it will be believable. My smile will say, “I’m fine. Thank you. Yes. Much better.” I will start fresh. Be someone new. It’s the only way I’ll make it through.”
Elena Gilbert (The Vampire Diaries), 1×01 Pilot
Me being happy is such a rare occurrence nowadays that I have started to count and keep track of them. Wow way to be a psycho. I thought I’d be happier once Multicam (mini-heart-attack-inducing) was over today but I’m still feeling no better… Making some progress on schoolwork at least, even if it’s just a teensy weensy bit. Well better than nothing.
The only remotely happy thing that happened recently and is worth remembering was a very short conversation / inside joke. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages… You don’t have to understand it (it’s called an inside joke for a reason) but I just wanna record it down for my own memory. Too funny.
Hahahaha the both of them have so much telepathy!!!! So in sync and it wasn’t even planned or anything… if you get what I’m saying. I called them evil but I laughed the hardest. I demand a re-enactment.Lol lazy people talking about lazy people 8)
I wonder what I will ever do without them. They are like the only thing about school that still keeps me sane. Today they tried so hard to cheer me up, like telling me things like how I’m not worthless and listing out the (non-existent?) qualities they see in me, I nearly wanted to cry. How can people see such wonderful things in me and all I see is worthlessness and loser shit? I insisted that it’s because they are my friends and they know me in real life, that’s why their judgement is biased but even then, they have arguments against it. So I didn’t push further because I think if I did, I’d really start crying right there and then.
Also had a long ♡2♡ with Lerman during Entre tutorial. Being useless as usual because the focus now is on financial statements aka more shit I can’t do. I feel like we can relate to each other so well – similar experiences, similar feelings of unworthiness, so much negativity in common. Which makes me feel like crying even more not because I feel even more upset but because … idk how to describe. Lol and we both agreed that we are feeling so down in the pits that even our favourite past time – shopping – does not even make us happy or satisfy us anymore.
Sometimes I really wonder what a mean, messed up bitch like me did to deserve such amazing people in my life. I love each and everyone of you so much… including those that make a point to text / message me anywhere when they read my mood-dampening blog poasts even though I rarely see them. I don’t always know what to reply, I don’t always remember to reply, but I really appreciate every kind gesture. And I honestly am grateful to everyone who has been understanding and accommodating to me, especially my classmates.
Hmmm anyway I happened to see this on some shop’s menu and it made me smile 🙂