July 13, 2011
To sum up everything, I just feel like worthless shit.
Don’t think I’ve felt this awful since 2008.
Right now I should be getting a move on the shitloads of work I have before I regret it but I’m just sitting here. Everyone else is being so hardworking and I’m just wasting away. UsuallyI keep calm because I have roughly planned my days out (e.g. today I will do this, tomorrow I will do that…) and I feel like I have everything in control. And usually I keep to my schedule and finish everything properly on time. That’s why you rarely see me panic. I still am not, but yeah for the frst time I think I might actually be screwed over so badly.
But now I don’t even have any plans and every email from a groupmate for any module just makes me wanna cry. Everyone is making progress except me and all I wanna do is nothing. I feel sorry for the people grouped with me especially for Multicam. Never felt so stupid and useless in a group project before. I won’t even be surprised if I get marked down for peer evaluation because I eally feel I haven’t contributed anything constructive. I want to chip in, I wanna help. I really do. But I have nothing useful to say so I remain silent and when I try to help, I end up doing everything wrong and had to have someone else redo everything for me. I’m so sorry. And I’m so scared that I’ll screw up on the actual day of production and cost everyone their grades.
I would say I’m screwed for Entre too except that the focus on this time’s ICA is the finance and operations which aren’t my parts. Thank goodness for my group members who are taking care of everything and I’m just trying to chip in wherever possible. Being the most useless one again.
It’s not that I have lost interest or don’t care about grades anymore or don’t wanna try… I don’t even know how to explain it but if I could run away / disappear / die right now, I would. Cowardly as it sounds but it’s the truth. Haven’t felt this worthless in my whole life. Don’t even know how I managed to go through 17 years of life with no talent or whatsoever.
Never thought I’d say this but wanna just curl up in a fetal position and jump off a cliff like Bella did. Not gonna put a picture here because I don’t like her. Also I think I’d rather be in school nowadays because if I’m in school it means I just stone there for the whole lesson and don’t have to face my schoolwork. And at least I have the girls who make me laugh and keep me sane. At least for a while I forget all my troubles.
Anyway thanks everyone who has shown concern or sent me messages anywhere. Makes me happy for awhile seeing that people care and I smile while talking to you guys. It’s just that this time talking isn’t going to make my worthlessness go away. The only comfort right now is knowing that this too shall pass, like every other thing (I mean, it has to, right?) and I’ll be fine sometime.
Guess it’s time to try get started on some work.
Pleasepleaseplease don’t let me feel so bad till I have to make another rant-y blog poast and waste even more time…
I barely remember what happiness feels like anymore.