So down I don’t even know where to start
July 12, 2011
All I wanna do right now is just whine on my blog and then continue lying down and do nothing.
And maybe have a little cry.
I thought today was fine. Had my laptop with me and the wireless was working properly and I cyberloafed the whole time. I was in a good mood. Then I didn’t feel left out at all for once when the girls were talking about Harry Potter and I even chipped in a lot. And not once I felt the usual jellyness or bitterness about anything. I was feeling great. Even hung around the atrium with D & D and we ate and we managed to get empty seats and a table. The fan was blowing at us and there was music and we had fun bitching about the retarded blogger. Nothing pissed me off and I didn’t get upset at anything. I went home happy. I was supposed to be happy.
But then I got home and it’s like suddenly my day just falls apart even though nothing set me off. I just can’t believe how depressed school is making me. So much things to submit at once, things that I don’t want to think about but keep being reminded about. I’m not stressed, I’m not panicking. I’m not one to worry and fret over schoolwork. More like a combination of emptiness and being overwhelmed at the same time.
Not in the mood for schoolwork and I don’t do things when I’m not in the mood. Actually will I even ever be in the mood for school. But whatever this is not a poast about school. I just wonder what I’m doing in a shithole like that, wasting my time and I’m not even particularly fond of anything in this shithole. But other than this shithole I don’t have anywhere to go either.
Ever since I heard Selena Gomez’s Who Says, I’ve been thinking of these kinds of “inspirational” songs that either keep telling you that you are perfect or you don’t need perfect. No I’m not talking about how they contradict each other. I’m talking about how easy it is for the singers to say (or rather, sing). They have successful careers, are pretty, have fans and fame and money, and in Selena’s case she is dating the boy of 80% of tweens’ dreams? Easy for them to say right? I don’t feel inspired at all after hearing all these songs. I feel even more shitty. Like seriously there are people younger than me and yet they are way more successful than I probably ever will be?
Doesn’t help that I go on Facebook and Tumblr and everyone is so pretty. Like my self-esteem is not in bits already. I don’t get how can I feel awesome and confident and perfectly happy sometimes and then have times like these.
I think I have been in a trance from which I need to wake up from. Like I already wasted a whole weekend being floaty and shit. Time to get real. I went into the bathroom planning to only brush my teeth but ended up having my third shower of the day. I don’t even know what I’m doing… Please don’t let this be my new way of coping T_T it’s pointless and a waste of water!!!
Usually when I wanna relax I watch some movies/shows or read a book but I don’t even have the mood for these now. I don’t have the mood for anything. I just wanna slouch here and type away all night on my blog. So grateful that I have a day off school tomorrow because classes are cancelled. I was planning to relax for real but looking at my workload, I guess I’d better forget about it.
I sound demented and depressed right now but let me tell you, I’ve been feeling like these for too long. Way too long. It’s just that I manage to surpress it enough. But I don’t care anymore. Though the being in a trance rubbish started only last Friday or something. Okay it’s actually because of a whole new distraction. I managed to stay away from it the whole of today but not without obsessive and excessive thinking about it. But hey fuck it I’m trying.
Then again maybe it’s just my period and cramps.
I wanted to rewatch some episodes of TVD Season 2 (as you all know, I’ve rewatched Season 1 at least thrice) because I just miss the show and Damon and Delena so much. But the DVD is not out. And the link I usually use has been taken down or something. Other links either have a limit or load so damned slowly. So I gave up and went back ot feeling sorry for myself.
ALL OF THESE OKAY. ALL OF THESE.
I got it from all over Tumblr and I have no idea who wrote these, but it just describes how I feel so often. And damned accurate too. And they all actually have loads of notes. So somewhere out there, there are people who feel exactly the way you do, the ones who wrote these and the ones who reblogged/liked them. So many people out there feeling the same thing, so how come we still feel completely alone?
Like the one about not wanting to exist or feel. I always say I wanna die but I don’t mean to die literally. I just wanna pause everything and stop feeling for awhile. Life is still too beautiful to actually be gone forever. But don’t you feel that sometimes life is really moving too fast?
I would just type on forever…
And I kinda like the small font. Maybe because I feel just as small right now. Zoom if you can’t see.
I’ll be okay, just not today.
I’ll be all right, just not tonight.