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Be careful what you wish for
July 10, 2010
I am so gonna cringe when I read back on this poast. Few days later? No, more like hours later.
But I’m still goona be brave and confront my demons by writing it all here, whatever that means.
I cannot believe myself.
In my journal entries to Ms Soo, how often have I lamented about life should be all about risks, thrill and exhilaration? How often have I moaned that Life is too mundane and nothing ever happens?
I keep saying that I am bored. Of life.
And now something happens and what…?
Risks? What a joke.
I’m not taking any action, I’m just waiting for goodness knows what.
I keep asking myself what do I want, what do I want?
But thing is, even I myself have no idea. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.
I can’t believe the same thing is happening all over again, just much more worse and complicated this time. This is not about one or two people anymore.
And I’m not even talking about all the random, rude and irritating people I barely know but act as if we are BFFs or something. I do not understand wtf is wrong with this group of people but they seriously need a life. Badly.
What am I supposed to do or say? Am I supposed to do or say anything? I don’t know.
How did I ever make it through all these while? No bleeding idea.
I thought everything was long over.
I am so stupid and naive for thinking this way but seriously I myself cannot believe all these is happening. Life is never that simple, isn’t it.
I don’t understand why such things always happen to me. I never asked for it or purposefully set out to do anything. I have not a single clue and wham! – it hits me full force, smack in the face all of a sudden.
Can I be fickle and wish that everything goes back to normal again, like in the past when everuthing was simpler? Well actually, I don’t even know what’s normal anymore.
Honestly I feel so fucked up. If it weren’t for the many pairs of ears I’ve borrowed, I don’t know where I’d be right now.
Some people say they envy me for heaven knows what reasons but I can very honestly tell you that this is a horrid horrid horrid situation to be in. Maybe it’s the attention and flattery but even those wear off pretty soon.
I feel like some tormented soul with absolutely no idea what to do at all. No amount of attention and flattery can help to ease this terrible feeling.
No wait, tormented soul sounds too much. I don’t know how to describe it better, but all I can tell you is that I’m fucking unhappy. Not in a pissed way, but in a sad kind of way?
It does not help that we are all friends with one another. I am so afraid that one day we all can’t even be friends anymore. I hope that never happens because that would be so fucking sad and I just can’t bear the thought of it.
I don’t know what I am doing or saying.
But my mind’s in a whirl. I wish someone can give me answers. But of course in life, the answers aren’t at the back like a book.
I wish I can just forget the whole thing and that no one ever said anything to me. This is all so weird and even creepy, if you know what I know.
Shall I stop here or shall I continue in the other direction?
I don’t feel like stopping but I don’t know if it’s even appropriate to be saying all these.
And then there’s the inspiration behind Dear Love. The one person I think of everytime I try to compose a quote myself and tweet it on Dear Love. My sole muse.
My original plan was just to find a place to collect all the various categories of quotes I like. Then the concept kept changing.
It changed to letting people send in what they want to say but never got the chance to. But people kept flooding me with unoriginal quotes I’ve already heard a million times before so I changed it again.
I changed it to this current concept where I wrote everything just for you and you in mind. Please go to Dear Love’s page and read the bio if you haven’t – that is the current concept. And it’s well-received and making good process.
I don’t know if you all can figure out who this very special person is. Maybe you know, or maybe you don’t. It doesn’t matter because that’s not the point.
I honestly cannot believe that I am doing this. What the fuck am I doing and why? I should be over you. Am I? I think I am but sometimes I’m not so sure.
I cannot believe that I am dedicating a whole webpage and everything inside to you. You, who will probably never ever see it. I know and yet I still do it. Seriously wtf is wrong with me.
Letting go, moving on, loving and forgetting – they all have such different meanings. I don’t know about the first 3 and neither do I want to talk about it. But forgetting? It would be such a whopping big lie if I said I have already forgotten you because then why would Dear Love exist?
I don’t think I ever can forget you.
How do you forget someone who gave you so much to remember? There will always be this small dark corner of my heart reserved for you. It’s where you reside, where you lurk.
All the butterflies and everything, I experienced it all with you and no one else. So far, anyway. Well, I guess other people can never completely understand but if you read Dear Love, perhaps you will get a clearer picture.
I am lagging very seriously because there is a gap of more than 3 years in between. If you get what I mean. This is what I mean by being fucked up. I don’t know why I am talking about all these now.
I know I am so gonna regret having written all these but I do not want to escape reality anymore. Every single word in this entry here is how I truly feel.
I have not heard from you or about for like how long? Where are you right now? Why does it seem like you have vanished off from the edge of Earth?
Maybe it is better for things to remain this way.
I cannot imagine if you walked back into my life right now. Please don’t – you’ll just screw everything up for me even worse. I’d rather just continue working on Dear Love. Which I’m so proud of, no matter what.
Still, it’d be nice to know how you are doing.
Nevermind, that would never ever happen anyway.
I should stop dreaming.
Anyway, this plus all my uncertainties and insecurites would be why I am still… {fill in yourself lah}. I do not trust myself. So no, I am not a lesbo (yes someone asked if I was one before okay, and not in the joking manner either -_- WTF I love my friends but not like that ok zzz).
Okay I feel blardie lag now (?!) and I can’t believe I typed all these trash but I hope no one of tells me to see a therapist/psychologist or any sort of that nonsense. Yes I am being serious.
And do not talk about my sleeping habits anymore pleaseeee I beg all of you. People keep asking if I even sleep.
Hello what kind of dumb question is that, of course I do sleep if not I wouldn’t still be alive and well. Just different timezones, amounts, and frequency only. Please please please enough. It’s unhealthy but I can’t help it.
It’s 3:27AM and I’m typing all these away in the dark.
I will probably wake up screaming later, incredulous that I actually published this poast and immediately run online to delete it.
Fuck. I already wanna scream because so far I’ve seen a lizard and a cokraoch scurrying around. I want to switch on the lights so that they won’t come out but that means I will be busted by my parents for not being in bed.
I wonder how you guys feel upon reading all these. Probably how stupid I am. Especially the second part. I really am curious and nervous.
Please don’t fucking judge me because there is still so much of me that you don’t know. Whatever. And don’t think you do know me either because even I can’t figure out myself sometimes.
Life is so ironic. And complicated. Yet beautiful.
Anytime now I am gonna click the “Publish” button and up till now I still can’t believe I’m doing this ahhhh.
Ohya and after writing so much, I still have no blimey idea as to what I want, what I wanna do, or what to say. Back to the top part.
And I haven’t even got started on how I felt happy just now when I saw someone write on my wall. Forget it, another day perhaps. Enough to absorb and I’ve fought enough demons for one day. What is this.
Actually have I, at all? Fought any demons?
Forget it – this is getting nowehere, I’d better stop rambling or it’s gonna be dawn soon.
I have utterly no idea what nonsense I am writing now but I assure you the part about Dear Love is 100% heartfelt, that much I can say.
1st: yer not psycho and you dont need any therapy
2nd: i dont judge for you only choose to show me what you want me to see
3rd: life is beautiful, it’s the little things that we encounter everyday that makes our life fucked up (based on experience princess)
4th: I’ll be keeping an eye on Dear Love, so far so good that’s my first impression and now impressive for i just found out it’s yours.
and last but def. not the least
5th: let them bombard you with their opinion, after all a brave soul like you should be getting a medal for being honest.