June 02, 2018 / 4:11AM
I feel SO lousy and rotten and down ytd/today wtf. This post started out with me just venting but I ended up writing for so many hours.
Began the day by dropping my staff pass in the toilet bowl just as it was flushing. I reached down into the water (ughhh ?) and the card was really gone. And the office toilet bowls are all built into the wall so there wasn’t even a cistern for me to open. Like why couldn’t have the card slipped before or after I flushed??? That’s the kind of day I had.
I don’t know why I bother at work when most people don’t give a fuck. I care too much and I wish I didn’t. I let everyone leave as early as 4ish today but stayed to work on my extra assignment, then realised it was past 7pm when I looked up.
I once told my boss that I feel like nobody takes me seriously and he didn’t believe me but it’s true what. People don’t look at my articles, they just see that I’m young(er) and female and look like an airhead. Yesterday someone asked if I was underaged (he was joking but I think he thought I was an intern) and today the security officer who I asked for a card replacement asked if I was full-time staff ?
But I don’t really care because it means I don’t have to live up to any expectations and no expectations = no disappointment.
CK was extra nice to me today though and even bought me extra food hahaha I think because he feels bad. He left me all alone during lunch yesterday and I got harassed by some guy who works at one of the stalls at the coffee shop opposite our office.
We used to go there nearly every day because CK loves the fishball noodles there and I love the yong tau foo. All good… Then the yong tau foo stall hired this new guy who would keep giving me extra food and discounts which of course I’m not gonna complain about what right. And he always asks if I’m alone or with friends and once he was obviously trying to fish for info about whether CK is a friend or more but I still didn’t think much of it.
Then one day it started getting weird cos the boss of the fishball noodles stall started hitting on me in front of the other guy. Once I was alone and walked past him then he told me to sit down and chat with him LOL but I said I had to return to work. Another time he asked for my number in front of the yong tau foo guy, who started glaring at him and asked for my number too. I didn’t give either of them and just laughed it off and ran away.
I JUST WANTED TO EAT but they were making me feel so uncomfortable. So we stopped going as frequently, like maybe just once a week?
But yesterday I was by myself (whether I am alone or not shouldn’t even matter because why should anyone even be behaving in a way that makes me feel unsafe without CK around?) and I went to eat there which turned out to be a huge mistake. The yong tau foo guy asked for my number and I thought he was harmless plus I didn’t really know how to outright decline so I gave this time (the other guy wasn’t around).
Lol why did I ever think any guy is capable of being harmless and non-creepy these days ah?? Like me of all people should know by now ????
He started to text me nonstop when I was still eating, asking if I wanted a drink and how’s the food and telling me not to read while eating (wtf stop looking at me and let me eat!!!!) Then he came to my table and gave me a second bowl of food that I didn’t ask for and his texts got progressively worse.
Told my colleagues when I back to office and CK wanted to help me reply + talk to him (“Giving free food does not give you the right to do this.” YES EXACTLY) but I told him not to because we walk past there all the time and it would be awkward.
But the guy continued texting me at night wtf (and multiple times today as well) even though I didn’t reply anything. There is being nice, and then there is being creepy. It’s ridiculous because all I ever did was eat???
Today CK asked if I told my mum about the harassment but I said no, because yesterday I was also overwhelmed with:
1. A reader double-emailing me (it was a very nice email calling me “talented, kind hearted and hardworking” so at least that was one thing that made me happy)
2. Drinking with someone who once drunk-texted me inappropriate things, before we went downstairs to disturb Jeremy and I pinched his dinner
3. My ex sending me a long text telling me that I used to be pure (lol) and that I changed etc and blaming me for things currently happening in his life that have absolutely nothing to do with me (I thought it was very uncalled for and that he just wanted someone to vent on but I did not respond and have not responded since we broke up)
I felt fine yesterday though, maybe because I was buzzed from wine.
Me: “I think my brother, my dad, Jeremy and you are the only ones I would consider 100% good and different and a beacon of hope.”
(Family aside, CK and Jeremy are the only guys I would call if I need help at 3am + have never said anything hurtful to me + have never tried to take advantage of me + I know are genuinely nice to me because they want to be and not because they are expecting anything in return)
CK: “I think the way I think is just different from everyone. I’m boring.”
Me: “It’s not boring. It’s a good trait. Remember I told you how my brother was on the phone with his girlfriend and I heard him say, ‘You look beautiful to me all the time no matter what’? Nobody said that to me before leh.”
CK: “It’s not easy to say this kind of thing la.”
Me: “My brother said it like it was the easiest thing in the world… I think she was complaining about looking ugly in the morning then he just said it.”
CK: “Oh then that’s different.”
Me: “My ex never said this kind of things to me before leh… maybe that’s why he’s my ex HAHAHA.”
Me: “And do you remember this off-shoulder top that I wore? I posted a picture on Instagram Story that time and one of my friends replied, ‘Are you out for men? Because this outfit confirm will attract attention.'”
CK: “Just because… it shows… one shoulder???” *face of disbelief*
Me: “Ya can’t I wear what I want for myself and because I feel like it? Why must it be for guys and why is everything about them? What makes them think it’s ok to say this kind of things?
CK: “You can be naked for all you want and it’s still not their business or right to say anything la. Does it mean if there is a gun lying around then it’s ok for them to shoot somebody?”
Me: “I don’t know why guys say this kind of things then I’m supposed to just take it even though I didn’t ask for it or their opinions. Like the lawyer… first time meeting then don’t anyhow fucking touch me?”
Can’t really remember what CK said after that but he was very encouraging and supportive. At least someone sees my point, which is:
1. I dress according to my mood and it has got nothing to do with anyone else. Unless I personally sent you a pic or asked you, keep your opinion to yourself.
2. I shouldn’t have to feel bad for ending a relationship that has run its course.
3. I shouldn’t have to feel bad or uncomfortable by actions that are not my own. Yet somehow I always do. But I always have to act like I’m cool with it because I can “take a joke” (why do people like to be offensive then say they are just joking when others get offended?) and because I don’t like confrontation / burning bridges / big scenes. Worse is when you are told that you are being dramatic or to be grateful for attention LOL
4. Being nice is basic decency, not extraordinary or something you should expect a reward for. If you don’t want to be nice, then don’t. Being nice because you want something in return does not make you a nice person.
5. Nobody is entitled or has the right to touch me.
Being noticed isn’t an open invitation to guys to do whatever they want to me. — Some Boys, Patty Blount
Btw I’m not sure if I’m not as subtle as I think or if it’s just damn obvious to all my friends who know me, but suddenly I get this feeling that people know more than I let on in my quotes and puns and analogies hahaha.
On Wednesday with Yukai, who said I have “been through a lot the past few years”:
Like ok fair enough… but then on Thursday with Ling Yue and Darren:
And I’m like woah where did this come from??? And the sad part is I don’t know whether he’s referring to the time when I got shouted at and talked down to until I cried, which I told them all about, or the older stuff that I don’t talk about.
OK SUPER SLEEPY and I have work later/tomorrow.