When will this pain end
October 9, 2015
There are Good Days and there are Bad Days. Not feeling so great this week despite all the good things going on and people around me. Been crying every night right before bed till like 4am for the past few days because I just can’t stop thinking.
Wish there’s someone I can just pour my heart out to but no one will ever understand unless they have been through the exact same thing. While some things are so bad that I just can’t tell anyone because I don’t want the people I love to think badly of me. Like how stupid and reckless I am.
Been too tired and busy this week to read or hit the gym aka my two healthiest habits that actually keep me happy. Maybe the lack of endorphins is contributing to my shitty mood. All I feel, all I associate with him is hurt and pain. Yet even after everything, I still miss him.
The good times, some of which were so magical that I’ll never forget because I’ve written every detail in my diary, make me think about what I once had but walked away from. The bad times make me think about how things could go from heaven to hell in no time, how he could make me feel like the happiest person on earth and yet also be the one who has made me cry more than I ever have in my entire life. Together, they leave me in a recurring emotional battle on whether he was ever genuine.
Sometimes I would feel like I just wanted to put everything behind me and move past it all, but I also didn’t want to forget because it was really unlike anything I’ve experienced, plus everything meant so much to me. Yet now it hurts so much that I just want to forget about everything, even the good.
I was so angry at Vampire Diaries and Elena when she asked Alaric to erase her memories of Damon because she couldn’t handle the grief of losing him. How could she simply choose to forget about him after everything? Granted nobody died in my case, but now I finally understand that degree of pain.
I used to laugh at Bella for being so weak even before I read Twilight just because of this meme. But when I read that scene for myself in New Moon, I actually cried even though I hadn’t known pain like that then. The way Stephenie Meyer described Bella’s emotions, it was so raw and real that I could almost feel it.
And now too, I know what it’s like to be so addicted to someone who’s completely toxic, debatably emotionally abusive, makes you feel non-functional and wanting to do nothing but be reckless or curl up in a fetal position, like you are on drugs.
I guess at the end of the day, we are all just very foolish females who let our hearts overpower our brains. Except unlike in fiction, toxic and adrenaline-fueled relationships with people who make you feel the highest of highs and lowest of lows never ever work.