Tag: The Great Depression

Oh I had the time of my life
And I’ve never felt this way before
And I swear this is true
And I owe it all to you

One of my favourite moments when you were driving me back home after what had been a very special day (to me anyway, even though we didn’t do much. But the thing is, with you, the most extraordinary moments were somehow also the most normal things).

This song came on the radio. You were singing along to it and other than thinking about how perfect everything was, I was also wondering if there was anything you even sucked at because other than your many talents and achievements, you could also sing so well.

Truly an amazing way to top off what had already been such an unforgettable day. I’d never felt safer, happier and at home with you than one that day. Like everything was really going to be okay and nothing else mattered except for the two of us.

This was despite the little hitch we had at the coffeeshop near my house (another place that I can never see in the same way ever again) when we ran into your cousin. As such, I couldn’t even get a proper goodbye in. The dreaded goodbye that I’m so familiar with because I have to start counting down the days to when I’ll see you again.

It was pretty late by then. I overslept and missed an important class I had the next day but I didn’t even care. I didn’t care about a lot of things to be with you and when I was with you. And I still don’t regret a moment of it.

It was like a dream and fantasy that I eventually had to wake up from… so why do I still miss you everyday?

“But the absence of him is everywhere I look. It’s like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. But In a way, I’m glad. The pain is the only reminder that he was real.” — Bella Swan, New Moon

There are Good Days and there are Bad Days. Not feeling so great this week despite all the good things going on and people around me. Been crying every night right before bed till like 4am for the past few days because I just can’t stop thinking.

Wish there’s someone I can just pour my heart out to but no one will ever understand unless they have been through the exact same thing. While some things are so bad that I just can’t tell anyone because I don’t want the people I love to think badly of me. Like how stupid and reckless I am.

Been too tired and busy this week to read or hit the gym aka my two healthiest habits that actually keep me happy. Maybe the lack of endorphins is contributing to my shitty mood. All I feel, all I associate with him is hurt and pain. Yet even after everything, I still miss him.

The good times, some of which were so magical that I’ll never forget because I’ve written every detail in my diary, make me think about what I once had but walked away from. The bad times make me think about how things could go from heaven to hell in no time, how he could make me feel like the happiest person on earth and yet also be the one who has made me cry more than I ever have in my entire life. Together, they leave me in a recurring emotional battle on whether he was ever genuine.

Sometimes I would feel like I just wanted to put everything behind me and move past it all, but I also didn’t want to forget because it was really unlike anything I’ve experienced, plus everything meant so much to me. Yet now it hurts so much that I just want to forget about everything, even the good.

I was so angry at Vampire Diaries and Elena when she asked Alaric to erase her memories of Damon because she couldn’t handle the grief of losing him. How could she simply choose to forget about him after everything? Granted nobody died in my case, but now I finally understand that degree of pain.

I used to laugh at Bella for being so weak even before I read Twilight just because of this meme. But when I read that scene for myself in New Moon, I actually cried even though I hadn’t known pain like that then. The way Stephenie Meyer described Bella’s emotions, it was so raw and real that I could almost feel it.

And now too, I know what it’s like to be so addicted to someone who’s completely toxic, debatably emotionally abusive, makes you feel non-functional and wanting to do nothing but be reckless or curl up in a fetal position, like you are on drugs.

I guess at the end of the day, we are all just very foolish females who let our hearts overpower our brains. Except unlike in fiction, toxic and adrenaline-fueled relationships with people who make you feel the highest of highs and lowest of lows never ever work.