Hard to get a good, accurate picture but I adore my new nails. Have always tended to avoid red on my fingernails (love them on my toes) cos I find it kinda loud but somehow I’m feeling it now + I think it’s about finding a shade that fits.

Red is for passion (I do think I’m a passionate person by nature, I rarely do things halfway, it’s all or nothing with me and right now I’m superrr disengaged lol cos I always allow dimwits to dim my light).

Red is for the rage I feel, not at any one specific person but at everything I have been through.

Red is also strength and danger and power.

Been urged by multiple people to fight back and they don’t understand why I’m not. Apparently I have lots of bullets (maybe more than anyone else) and it’s “frustrating” how I am “holding back”.

Yeah ok I’ve always been an empath, INFP, mediator personality type etc blah blah. In fact I’m surprised at how I can still feel sorry for someone like that after everything and that I still feel sad/wistful over how things used to be.

But mainly it’s because I know that once I fight back, when I truly decide to go down that path, it will be ugly. Mostly for that someone but I actually don’t wish to be that kind of person either.

My go-to has always been to not engage at all because it’s beneath me 🤷‍♀️

For clarity’s sake I’m talking about an entirely different matter and person from the last few posts. Though I think by now everyone in my inner circle vaguely knows about both because I have been soooo different hahaha. Even SM of all people asked if I’m ok 😂

Sentiments are the same regardless of which friend group:

• Hardly any IG stories anymore
• “Alarmingly” thin / thinner and thinner every time
• Constant state of anxiety and stress cos I always need to go home to work or do this and that

More Farah QOTDs that I really appreciate 🥹🥹🥹:

“Remember when you went for that training and all the good feedback you got?”

“If there’s one thing we know over and over again, it’s that you are resilient.”

Anyway, back to the previous topic. Funny that I didn’t have to ask but:

• Freaking ZoukOut Guy can inform me that he’s going overseas
• On-off person can tell me he’s unavailable for the week
• Even SM told me he was going to Bangkok (“eh my favourite”) and which days he’s working

But the one I talked to most couldn’t even say a word!!!!! #IfHeWantedToHeWould

Today’s therapy session was with Farah (who has the full context) and I told her to just be objective and honest because I need it. Grateful for friends who keep it real and dish it straight to you with love and compassion ♡🥹

For the record, Farah has never liked him 🤣 and said during early days:

“Fuckboi vibes.”

“Seems to think he’s all that.”

“Like trying to show that he can have anyone but he chose you.”

Shan’t say more about the last point but 😂😂😂

Today was illuminating!!! All quotes by her unless otherwise stated:

“This is so on-brand for him.”

“He’s always doing this.”

“It’s not the first time he has made you feel this way.”

“Sometimes holding things back from you and don’t say anything, then suddenly talk so much like that time in the lift.”

*reading our text exchange*

Her: “I like how you didn’t wanna talk to him cos I wouldn’t want to as well.”

Her: “Oh, HE’s the one using relationship talk??”

Me: “Yes, even ask why I don’t say it back.”

Her: “The gaslighting! Saying he knows you overthink.”

Me: “Ya, when he’s the one making me overthink.”

*something about not treating me well and no security*

Me: !!!!! “Actually the reason why I am unable to say it back or go further is because I have never ever felt secure with him.”

Me: “It’s the inconsistency that triggers me.”

Her: “That’s what you said the last time.”

Me: “Oh really ah 😂”

Her: “Ya.”

Me: “I must break the pattern!!!”

Me: “Nothing gets resolved and it just comes up again cos we both have avoidant personalities.”

Her: “I think you are more grounded but he’s delulu. I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”

“Remember when I said that even if you didn’t tell me, I would have sensed it? And it’s not coming from you, but him.”

“Remember xxx’s comment? People think he’s the one.”

“Actually it has always been at the back of my mind like what if he gets what he wants and then throws you aside.”

“It’s already very dicey and it’s just gonna be worse if yyy finds out.”

Me: “Do you think I put my emotions above logic?”

Her: Yes. Sorry this one I’ve got to be honest 😂”

Me: Do you think maybe I should have just ignored/tolerated and kept the peace because being on good terms and having an in is better than this?

Her: It’s good to have insider info but I don’t think the pros outweigh the cons. You say he is helping you but how much is he helping and is it really helping?

Me: Actually ya, he and zzz think they are helping me but I don’t think they are. But I didn’t say anything because –

Her: The intent is good.

Me: Yes exactly and I appreciate it but sometimes I think they are making things worse.

“It’s not like you are undesirable!”

“I can’t believe he said you looked like a happier version of yourself (after the first split) and didn’t connect the dots!!”

And my absolute favourite:

Me: I shouldn’t be so hung up, right? He’s not even that great, right???

Her: Even (without the context), he is still not a catch.

Anyway, made it through lunch without crying which I thought was a win but I lasted only till late afternoon. Then I realised the cushion on my office chair is actually very absorbent.

I also wasn’t expecting her to burst out laughing so hard when I told her about an upcoming lunch and the guest list. It’s literally all my stressors and anxiety triggers in one room 🙃🙃🙃 But I would have laughed too cos seriously…

Oh life, why do you toy with me so???