Self-awareness and self-sabotage

Funny how my insomnia, bad gut and anxiety returned the moment I came back from Africa.

Kept my social calendar packed this weekend so that I wouldn’t feel like k!lling myself (figure of speech) and I guess it works. Dressing up, looking fabulous, sunshine, being outdoors, good food, being around friends, talking and listening to different perspectives, it all helps!!

JLO was going through a divorce all this time and never not once was she caught slipping or looking down. body was still tea, face was beat, she was still serving looks, had a glamorous birthday party. i honestly really admire her ability to never be down bad 😭

— c (@emancipationofc) August 20, 2024

Anyway it’s been quite a telling weekend?? Though this turned out longer than expected so I’ll talk about Friday another time.

Had a very decadent boozy brunch with a friend today and here’s an abridged recount:

Me: Would you be pissed if you are dating someone and they went overseas without even telling you?

Friend: Dating as in?

Me: He uses relationship words like breakup and girlfriend but I don’t feel like we are ~that~, so I don’t acknowledge it.

Friend: You have every right to be pissed but you cannot deny you are ~that~ or say you are not interested and then be pissed.

Me: No! I didn’t deny but I also never acknowledge because you cannot say one thing and then do another, like in this case. And I am interested, I go along with it, but I’ve left him once before (what he calls a breakup).

Friend: Wait, does he know we are on a lunch date? 😂😂😂😂😂

(it’s not a date date, we have established that we are strictly platonic, but lol)

Me: No, if he doesn’t update me then why should I update him about anything??!?!?!

Friend: How come you didn’t mention this guy the last time we were out?

Me: Errr… delicate.

I refrained from sharing more context / complications 🙃 but those are irrelevant because it’s about basic respect and consideration. And I only knew by figuring it out myself when I saw that my texts weren’t delivered for hours. Who the f@ck says they love you and pull this shit?

I know I should trust my instincts but I even read forums (turns out it’s so common?!) and asked both male and female friends, all of whom said they would definitely be pissed too.

Also, if an on-off situationship (??) had the courtesy to inform me when he was going away for 6 months last year even though we weren’t really on talking terms, what’s the excuse here???

Friend: You looked damn sian the first 30 minutes we were here.

Me: Struggling, struggling…

Friend: Everything is upside down for you. Fucked up job, fuckboy…

Me: FuckboySSSS

Friend: If you get rid of the fuckboys, life will be much better.

Me: I think I’m sabotaging myself. Farah says I’m a victim to my own feelings.

Friend: It’s cruel and insensitive but you know it’s got nothing to do with you, right? I’m telling you as a guy. Guys like the thrill of the chase, but once we get you…

Me: Yes, but I say I am done and then I keep coming back for more. I am allowing it. Did I tell you about the on-off six years?

Friend: Ya but that’s past, right.

Me: No, it’s still ongoing!

Friend: Cherlynn, you have been busy! 😂

I think I suppress my own needs and put up with a lot because of the ~context~ (goodness knows why when Farah says I can have any guy I want and I actually do agree) and I let people get away with a lot when I have a soft spot for them. It’s unfathomable even to myself why I allow people to treat me badly or subject myself to unnecessary pain time and time again.

Thinking about how I told Farah months ago that I wonder if I’ll ever experience (something but I can’t remember what it was exactly) and she said, ‘You can but definitely not if you stay with (this guy).” #truth

She also said the thing about me is my self-awareness. Yes, I am not deluded and take accountability for being the one to allow all of these. I know my worth and I know I deserve so much better. But why can’t I just act like it too?

if you truly believed you deserved better, your actions would reflect that belief.

— gabryelle (@gabryellejae) May 14, 2024

Thank you friends and thank you Twitter. Love that you all always tell me what I need to hear when I need to hear it. And yes, I agree that life becomes much better when I get rid of the fuckboys, based on past experiences (but why don’t I learn?!?!?!)

You know what’s funny. When we started talking again after I left the first time, he said I seemed like a happier version of myself. You would think that is telling enough for both of us!!!!!!

the betrayal i felt when all i did is treat them right and understand no matter what the situation is for them to have an audacity to ignore and hurt me constantly

— ً (@chabcharu) August 25, 2024

Let go of that person. You know the one. If you’re chasing, they aren’t meant to stay. The sooner you let go, the sooner you let in the right one. You hurt yourself by writing and re-writing an elaborate play they don’t want to act in. Love yourself enough to say “I’m done.”

— elle ✨ (@ellebeecher) August 24, 2024

Approaching relationships from a place of authenticity & getting abandoned is actually a much more manageable pain than the pain of spending one’s life distorting oneself in an attempt to avoid abandonment. The 1st pain is clean & direct. The 2nd is dull, muddled & never-ending.

— Heidi Priebe ✍️🌷 (@HeidiPriebe1) August 24, 2024

somebody said toxic is not when they’re bad to you. toxic is when they’re bad to you on some days and good on others. it’s when they’re so inconsistent with their love that you spend most of your time wondering if you should stay or leave

answer: always leave

— ً (@soidoona) August 25, 2024

My problem was never leaving. It’s staying gone.