When it rains, it pours
December 31, 2023
Just when you think you have your life together, you down two bottles of wine in one evening and are violently sick and don’t feel functional after waking up and spend the whole day wanting to hurl 😂 This was the same day I flew back to Singapore so ya not my wisest decision. Oh, life…
I felt fine before and after, but it’s just been a looong time since such excessive drinking (lol). Still, I think it’s a step-up because there hasn’t been any downward spiralling or basking in regret and self-loathing.
It was actually a normal evening and I wasn’t downing any sorrows but every day after that has been rubbish since. Sad to be ending the year on a low note after riding such a high all year. Of course there were still down days and low moments, I just didn’t broadcast them online. But overall, I’ve had a great year and am thankful for it all.
It’s just that right now, I am not feeling my best and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. It’s also kinda hard feeling grateful when I am upset about so many things. Everything just feels off-kilter currently.
For one, my gut has been queasy for days and what I thought were hangover symptoms is actually stomach flu. I’ve also been feeling more burned out than usual the whole month and I felt no less exhausted after my work trip. Also kinda pissed off about certain things at work but misery loves company and I feel slightly comforted knowing that I’m not alone in this…
Anyway, everything is always connected. Same goes for mind, body and soul, all of which is out of balance for me right now. My routine feels so thrown off this month.
I haven’t been to the gym or worked out in the longest time, I haven’t really been eating mindfully the way I want to and am used to, I do not feel up for being productive (thank goodness it’s the holiday season so I have an excuse).
I haven’t finished a full-length novel in ages. Reading and reviewing feels like such a chore now. Bookstagram was tough to begin with so I have been on hiatus, but now it has crossed over into work with me writing news articles about the publishing world. So I feel even less able to read for leisure and am avoiding books completely. I can’t even bring myself to return my dozens of overdue library books. I don’t only want to not face the task, I don’t even want to think about the task at all.
It’s New Year’s Eve and Latte has just left me. She had been ageing and slowing down for awhile, but declined quite rapidly in the last few days and was on palliative care. On one hand, there’s the relief of being free from suffering but at the same time, there’s all the guilt and grief that I feel. No matter how many times it has been, it never gets any easier.
I guess this is life. You never know when it’s going to throw you a curveball. Or many curveballs. I know I’ll eventually pick myself up again like I always do but I do wonder if I have even grown at all or learnt anything. I worked so hard this year but I don’t know if I have anything to show for it lol.
These separate convos about different things took place all in December:
M: “Cherlynn is very easygoing, everything also ok.”
F: “I think you’re too nice.”
BX: “I feel like you’re the one always giving in.”
I’m not sure if these are compliments but hello people-pleaser with a lack of boundaries……..
Just weeks ago I was telling Farah what a struggle it is, how it would be so easy to just respond to that email or text or message, “but I tell myself that I deserve better”.
She said, “That’s why I said I’m so proud of you.”
Fast forward to now and what have I done??? 🤡 Bye boundaries and self-respect and brain……..