It’s kind of a funny story

Random storytime that I am just expelling from my system and do not mean anything by.

I am truly working on growing and healing and being better (mostly for my own sake so not as noble as it sounds). But sometimes life has other ideas and the universe works in funny ways (the ironic kind, not the ha-ha kind). Often I feel like I am being tested and failing.

But I really am trying, even though it’s a struggle sometimes and temptation is always there. Of course I miss it and so many times I’ve wanted to respond, you have no idea. There’s so much I want to say but what’s the point, when I’m not being heard? It’s nothing I haven’t said before anyway and it’s not like anything will ever change, as history has shown. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So as hard as it as, I’ve tried my best to let it go. Just let it go, cut things off, clean break, no contact. But when someone knows the darkest, most self-destructive parts of you, the lows and the ugly, the parts you keep hidden and buried from everyone else, when there’s so much history, how do you just erase it all?

Nevertheless, I’ve stuck to it and a work in progress is still progress. Some days I’m proud of myself for being brave, not wavering and doing what I know is the right thing.

All fine and dandy, amirite?

But as I said, sometimes life works in funny ways, There I am being resolute and life decides to dish out another test or temptation or whatever you wanna call it.

My brain: Ok this guy is so nice and kind? Lending me his hiking pole even though he only has one and being very helpful on the hike. And the conversation is good!

My brain after looking at his fingers some time later: Ok unavailable and off-limits, of course. And there’s the catch. Lollll of cos. Of cos!

At this point I was just very self-amused because why do I always gravitate towards the same demographic??!?!?!

He: So are you single or seeing someone?
(can’t remember exact words but ya)

My brain: LOL why is he asking? I don’t think it’s entirely appropriate for him to be asking me this. Am I over-thinking this? (I mean, it could be just curiosity or a convo-starter but… is it?)

Anyway the conversation was really good the whole time and there were thoughtful gestures like switching spots with me so that I was in the shade while he was in the sun. I’m not insinuating anything, it was just nice vibes and good company on such a long hike.

After the hike, I did some cyber-stalking out of curiosity and that was it. I felt that it would not be hard to continue the connection and I’ll admit it was kinda tempting to? But as I said, I am determined to do and be better.

So I put the whole thing out of my mind and almost a month goes by…

But then few days ago I woke up, checked Instagram and guess who followed me?!

Ah life, you funny ironic thing.