Things nobody knows about the toxic me

March 9, 2018 / 12:43AM

My usual forms of escapism are eluding me – I just got back from travelling (and am so tired), I don’t feel like reading (cos I’m so tired) but yet I can’t sleep. I don’t know why everyone makes sleeping so easy. It is the one healthy habit I can’t seem to achieve; asking me to go for a run is much easier. My dark eye circles are horrendous but whatever.

I have so many thoughts but I feel like nobody really gets it or gets me so I cannot be bothered. I wish I can just share here all the fucked up shit I do and think without the fear of being judged. Well, people will always judge but I wish I can just not care.

Can I pretend that nobody is reading this and I’m just talking to myself? These are thoughts that have been floating around my mind recently.

? It’s not that I am sad or emo or like to mope/nitpick… it’s that sometimes I just feel so hollow and lost even though I know my life is good compared to lots of people. Yes I am happy but at the same time I just want someone who will understand and who I can talk to but I feel like there isn’t anyone. Why is it so hard?

? Sometimes I miss my apocalyptic episode (lasted like almost 2 years?? honestly so envious of people who are able to move on so quickly) because at least then I was feeling something. Now I am lingering in a state of nothingness… Anyway special shout-out to the very specific 10 friends who were always there for me when I drowning in all that pain. The only 10 who I felt really had my back and loved me when I didn’t love myself and never made me feel judged (even though they probably were hahaha).

? That was such a dark period of my life and I used to feel so much pain that I went to see a doctor who gave me pills and Xanax for depression and anxiety… I wasn’t actually reliant on them and this was two years ago but it’s still something that I have never really told anyone. Yes, the pain was that bad. There, I said it.

? I am lucky enough to have been to some of the most beautiful places on Earth. But what people don’t know is how I once locked myself in the toilet of someone’s house to cry for 30 minutes when I was in Australia, I toured around the Lourve in Paris with tears in my eyes the whole time (people be thinking I’m damn touched by the amazing art), I tried not to weep over my Italian gelato and German pork knuckle or while on the Swiss mountains, I burst into tears while lying on this hugeass plush bed in a fancy Dubai hotel, I wanted to die while in Seoul because the pain was crippling but got #woke when I read on Google that you wanna relieve the pain but you won’t be around to feel that relief when you do it etc.

? Yes this is all history but it really changed me as a person, in both good and bad ways. All the experiences and lessons shaped me into someone I don’t know whether I like… and even now I am still feeling the impact of it all. Reason why I’m talking about this is because everything is linked. I grew up overnight but I am also very fucked up now so sometimes I wish none of that ever happened. I do love New Zealand but sometimes I can’t help but wish I had never gone. I want to know what my life might be like now if I never went. And I think this is the first time I am publicly admitting it all started from there. Pain changes you.

? Especially when it comes to my fucked up behaviour. I engage in lots of toxic and self-destructive behavior that I’m not proud of. Some I’m very ashamed of. Obviously the excessive drinking is no secret but sometimes I feel that’s the mildest issue. I think I have cut down a lot since last year though, especially when you think about how I used to always end up physically injured. Or do reckless shit like accept a motorcycle ride from a complete stranger while walking home at 3am. And I would always end up crying without fail. Huge wracking sobs that leave me unable to breathe properly and make me wonder if I’ll ever be okay again. Well, I survived. But am I living?

? I have a terribly unhealthy obsession with how I look, my weight and food. You have no idea how many times a day I stand in front of the mirror to study whether my tummy has shrank or increased in size. I really hate it when people touch my waist because I hate my fats there but guys do it all the time and I can’t explain it to them. Trust me when I say it’s a terrible obsession. Like I love to eat and sometimes I binge… but all that food and fats have to go somewhere and I don’t really want them in my body, in me, adding on to my weight, making me fat… so of course they have to go out and I don’t mean the regular way courtesy of digestion. I know it isn’t actually effective because your body absorbs calories the moment you eat. But I can’t help it and I’m aware it’s a form of mental illness. At least I don’t do it often? There, I said it.

? If you notice photos in which I look thinner than usual, that’s probably because I just had one of my dumbass cleansing phases whereby I torture myself by eating minimal calories / no carbs for multiple days in a row. The pictures of me on It’s The Ship Cruise and in Tokyo… I starved myself for two weeks before those photos were taken. I just kept telling myself that there aren’t fat people on that kind of party cruise and in Japan (it’s true). Then I binged again when at those two places.

? Neither of these methods feel very nice nor do they make me feel better in the long run actually. If anything, they make me feel even more messed up and gross. But obsession with looking good aside, I do it because I’m a control freak trying to regain some semblance of control of my life since there are so many other aspects that I can’t control. And because these other aspects sometimes make me feel very inadequate, I feel an intense need to compensate in another way. Even if it involves hurting myself or making myself miserable. Fucked up on the inside but at least I look good on the outside??

? Random guy in Hong Kong told me “you are very beautiful” while I was walking past him. Hours later, some troll guy commented on one of my photos that “this is not a nice pic” and that “you are usually very lovely in pics”. Me being me, I obsessed over the negative comment all night over everything else. I don’t think people realise how very easy it is to send me spiralling because they don’t know what I am going through or how much I am hurting on the inside and how I tend to hurt myself, take it out on myself to compensate for the areas that I feel I’m lacking in because I deserve the pain.

? Ok I am not ready to go into this but I am aware that I am always very drawn towards a very specific type of men. And you know how they say if you are always the constant in the equation, then clearly you are the problem. I know I have a problem but it’s like a disease and I can’t help it. All I can say is that these men are always extremely toxic and make me engage in toxic behaviours even more as a coping mechanism. It’s like I’m aware I’m playing a dangerous game and will most likely be the one who ends up hurt but it draws me in further. Like I have something to prove even though there’s clearly no endgame and like I so badly want to win approval / earn affection even though it’s not a competition. And because such relationships never end well, I always end up feeling inadequate and lacking. So as usual, what do I do? I hurt myself and engage in self-destructive behaviour in order to compensate. Maybe if I am as thin as a stick, he might love me more!!!111 (Believe me, I’m fully aware it doesn’t work that way.) Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

? Answer to a FAQ is yes I am dating someone but he doesn’t know about any of these, about this side of me, or even that I have a website. It’s like I am leading a double life… And even though he treats me well and I know he loves me, I am pretty sure I don’t feel the same way. It sounds horrible but it is the ugly truth and there, I said it. How can I love someone else when I can’t even love myself? You accept the love you think you deserve.

? Recently, a friend drunk texted me rather inappropriate things and when I mentioned his girlfriend so that he would stop, he told me not to talk about her then started complaining about how unhappy he is and everything wrong with the relationship. Days later, he posted a couple photo on Facebook and wrote happy 92 months. First thought that crossed my mind was how quickly I can make 92 months becoming 0 months by just commenting with all the text screenshots. But of course I didn’t do it. Never would. Basic decency + none of my business, that sort of thing. But yes, just sharing my thoughts. Patrick Ness taught me that it does not matter what you think, it only matters what you do. Thank you.

Social media is full of shit and not accurate at all. And so judgemental. I’ll not be sharing this post on social media for obvious reasons, might even privatise it after one day. All I ask is that if you are reading this post, please don’t mention or discuss it with anyone else. Don’t bring it up to me in person either. Just drop me a text and I would really appreciate it.

It’s amazing how self-aware I am of my issues but yet I just keep sinking deeper instead of trying to get better. They say to love yourself but what’s there to love about this side of me?