twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

Travel phobia

Finally all packed for Korea. Quite an improvement from my Europe trip where I only finished packing right before leaving for the airport.

It’s not that I’m not excited. I am, just not as much as I should be. Holidays and travelling haven’t exactly been the same this year… I can’t run away from my thoughts no matter how far I go and I can’t stop thinking regardless of where I am.

Scared that it will be Europe all over again where I pay and go all the way there, only to spend nearly every night crying. And that was when he was still in my life.

Tears would start flowing uncontrollably out of nowhere at the most random times and refuse to stop. I just couldn’t stop feeling so sad and worn out and broken.

It happened on the first night of my trip in Milan, it happened when I was simply watching a flock of birds, it happened throughout the many hours I was at the Lourve in Paris (Kumar: “At least people will think you are overwhelmed by the art”), it happened when I was watching the Changing Of The Guards in London, and so many other times.

The only time I remember feeling carefree and happy during my entire trip was when I watching Moulin Rouge in Paris, because that’s how magnificent it was. And maybe when I was having the best lobster ever at Burger & Lobster in London.

Beneath all my pretty travel photos on Instagram, that was how depressed I felt. It’s what you don’t see, don’t feel and don’t understand. Don’t tell me you do because you do not even know the problem.

Yet it has hardly gotten any better. Still crying nearly every night before I go to bed. Not sure what I’m supposed to do anymore. Wanna just metaphorically throw myself off the Seoul Tower. Anything to end this pain.

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