Salt water and onion

One of the better days when I don’t feel as lousy or think about him as much.

Despite my many blog posts, I haven’t revealed much such as the who or what or why. Just analogies, pop culture references and my emotions. And that’s the way it’ll stay. I write to make myself feel better, nothing else.

What else makes me feel better? Been reading a lot more than usual (feels like I’ll never finish all the books and fics and articles I have bookmarked). Leg finally healed so I started running again. Work is an excellent distraction but it’s so tiring. Oh and this:

Going on a rampage on GTA is a great way to let off steam and de-stress. Not in the mood for much else these days. Sorry I’m being so mopey and boring.

Felt quite motivated today though and I went to the gym. On a Friday night which is really rare for me. Quite surprised that there were still several people there.

I finished a 40ish-minute run and then this random guy came over and started demo-ing how to do this and that. Let him go on since he looked like he knew his stuff and it was like free training. Then Birdman (who even lifted up his shirt, looked at his abs in the mirror and said he was admiring himself wtf lol???) kept telling me, ‘No pain no gain’.

Kumar: Cherlynn, Birdman trying so hard to flex in front of you, why you ignore him?

I think it’s nice when you go so regularly that people start to recognise you. Some start a convo and introduce themselves while some you just acknowledge each other with a wave or smile. Ok but don’t know why a lot of the guys like to come over and volunteer their fitness expertise… showing off is it??

Think I’m going be aching all over tomorrow… But releasing salt water via sweat is so much better than wasting it on tears. Plus I always feel happier after exercising.

I’ve cried so much over him, more in these several months than I ever have in my entire life even if he never knew. Sadly this was pretty much it even in the beginning. I have an entry in my mobile diary app that’s over 2,000 words long, briefly listing down all the times I shed both happy and sad tears over him. I lost count and stopped writing after awhile.

After I met him and realised how I felt, I cried because everything was so intense and emotionally overwhelming. Once, I even broke down in public and cried right after we parted ways after a day out because I didn’t want to feel that way about him. But I did. Wow if only I knew then that I would be crying a lot more in the times to come.

Each time before I went overseas, whenever I was overseas, every time I had nightmares of him leaving me, every time I had to say goodbye not knowing when I would see him again, all the times I wished he was physically there with me but wasn’t, every time I see stuff on social media that I’m not supposed to see, every time I wanted to drunk-call him to come get me but didn’t know if he would and was afraid to know so in the end I never did, every time I was afraid to be happy and all the times my fears were proven right, when I realised I had gone past the stage of like, when he first mouthed those words to me and I got so choked up that I couldn’t even respond, when I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore without any explanation (I’m sorry) and all the days that followed.

The only times I felt happy were when he was by my side but even that started to change because I started to feel poorly-treated and uncared for… and I really don’t think it was my imagination. Some of it I have never even told the few whom I confide in because I was afraid / didn’t want to hear what they would say. Realised that I spent more time being sad than happy and it just wasn’t worth it anymore.

So I decided to let go. Of course it hurts. Especially since I know it wasn’t because either of us started to feel differently. But this is reality and some things are just not meant to be.

It’s a very different kind of sadness. It used to be this crippling depression that consumed me and left me feeling non-functional. I was falling to pieces. Now, it’s more of this lingering dull ache from knowing what I used to have (Did I really have it though?) and a hollow emptiness from where he used to be.

Ugh wasted so much salt water while writing this post and I’m not talking about sweat. Determined to work on myself and the things I enjoy doing. Stop all the physical / emotional / mental self-abuse and torture.

It’s time for a change!!! No pain no gain.