Day 30

Wish I could say I’m feeling okay but I’m not. Yes, it’s easier as time goes by, as everything starts to sink in and you start to accept that it is truly over. But I don’t feel any better. I know it takes time but how long is this going to last?

I’m not even sure how I get through each day, feeling the way I do, but that’s what I have been doing for the past month. I guess that’s what life is about. You wake up and face each day, even if it’s the last thing you wanna do. Life goes on, even if you can’t move on.

I hate the start of each day. I wake up to tons of notifications, but never to the text I want. I don’t even know why I am hoping because there’s no reason to. I was the one who left and the one who didn’t reply. Disappointment and emptiness come flooding back. I wonder if there’s a point to going about another day but I force myself to get up anyway.

Spend the rest of the day being busy and distracted, but the same thing will somehow still always be on my mind. Some days are actually good enough to lead me into believing that I will be fine… but they are just lies. Those thoughts never ever leave my mind for good.

Nights are no better. If I’m lucky, I’ll be so tired that I knock out within minutes. These days I’m reading before bed again so that helps in distracting me too. Sometimes the tears still come. But at least they are no longer the huge wracking sobs that leave me unable to breathe. The first week was so terrible and I never want to go through it again.

The other day, Estelle and I were talking about someone who walked right back into a trap that he’s supposed to be leaving. Then she said, “At least you have more self-control than him” which made me really happy. Maybe because someone can see that I’m trying. It’s so tough but I really am.

I think if there’s anyone who can understand, it would be Estelle because she’s in a LDR. Not the same situation but it’s hard too… probably harder.

Used to wonder if I was crazy because I would cry or feel like breaking into tears even when I was happy, even when he was right beside me. I would just suddenly tear up while watching him when he wasn’t looking. Not sure if he ever noticed the times when we were actually looking at each other and I felt my eyes watering because everything just felt so intense and overwhelming. With him, everything was heightened.

I guess this is what it’s like when you know your time with that special someone is limited and every minute is hard to come by. I hated goodbyes because there was always the fear that each one might be the last.

And yet I never expected the last time I said goodbye to him to be our very final one. If I’d known, maybe I would have dragged out those last few moments together.

Anyway, Estelle just came back from visiting her boyfriend in the States. The guys were asking questions about her holiday and somehow I could answer them for her because I understood how she was feeling even without her saying it.

“What is the most memorable thing you did there?”
“I’m sure it’s every moment spent with her boyfriend.“

“Do you miss it already?”
“Pretty sure she was missing it the moment she said goodbye at the airport.“

And I’m right. Was also complaining that I’m super unmotivated to go running especially now that I have nobody to look good for. She said she feels the same now that she’s back. I know this is something you should do for yourself and not for a guy but let’s be realistic and admit that it matters ok.

I once told her (even before things went to shit) that I was going to emotionally detach myself, which she thought was useless because it is always going to mean something. Looks like she was right. Of course she was right.

Was I ever detached though? I don’t know why I thought I could do it, considering how emotionally invested I get in fiction. I am the friend you make fun of for crying at The Dark Knight. How foolish of me. I thought I could handle it. I played by the rules and everything.

But I’m not as strong as I thought.