Too tired to give a fuck

Written on Tuesday, 19 May.

Can’t believe it’s only Tuesday and I’m finally resuming the final week of my course (which means less work and shorter hours) but I’m still SO TIRED. Like physically tired, mainly from a lack of sleep. I keep reading on my Kindle or online articles when I should be snoozing.

Okay don’t know why I insist on wearing myself out like that. I always treat sleep like a tradable commodity. Yesterday, went to run 4km after class, then watched Max Mad with a friend till midnight and continued reading when I got home.

The trainer asked what time we usually sleep and most said midnight. There was a collective gasp from everyone when it was my turn to answer and I said, “3am, 4am.” Then she not-so-jokingly asked me not to be late for class the next day… but I was.

Was very determined to go straight home after class today and eat my mum’s chicken rice. Which I did. So nice not having anything to do, anywhere to go, or anyone to meet for a change. I was so happy that the sky was still white when I reached home. Funny how I only truly appreciate such things now.

I am so tired that I don’t even have spare energy to feel sad. I don’t know how I feel. Maybe everything.

Some trainers at the course are so inspiring. To me, at least. They are talking about writing and work but I feel like the things they say can also be applied to life and whatever I’m going through. Like how it’s okay to be upset or whine for however long you need, but always pick yourself up and move on. Because nothing lasts forever. So many valuable lessons.

They also encourage reading and reading and reading. Which I fully agree with. Honestly reading is what has helped me most throughout this whole time. So so so much. More than anyone else ever has. I know the people around me mean well, but I feel like they will never truly understand unless they have been through the exact same thing before.

And it’s really okay. This is just something I have to deal with myself. I can’t say thank you enough for all the listening ears though. I would have self-combusted long ago if not for the people around me who let me whine about the same shit over and over again.

Never thought I would read Thought Catalog or Elite Daily so much but they have really relatable articles from people who have experienced the same thing. Strangers who know exactly how you feel because they’ve felt it too, strangers who share the same stories. Reading them helps with the loneliness, self-loathing, helplessness and pain.

Started reading self-help books too, also written by people who know what they are talking about because they went through it. Whatever I couldn’t find to download on my Kindle, I bought online. 4 books for over $80… they have yet to arrive but hopefully they’ll help.

The ones I downloaded have been awesome so far. One of them is so direct, crude and no-nonsense. It’s always the most empowering thing and inspirational thing I’ve ever read. Wish I had read it earlier… it’s still super useful and applicable, but I can’t help but feel it’s a little too late.

Showed Jeremy excerpts and even he thinks it makes sense. And I guess he sees a very slight improvement in me (“Not bad, you’re seeing the light”) because he asked me to send him the book too.

I’m starting to think that Life doesn’t want me to be happy or that I’m not allowed to be when it comes to this one certain thing. Every time I feel happy, something bad happens to ruin everything. Then I’ll pick myself up, get over it and the whole cycle repeats itself again.

It’s okay because I’m not ready to give up yet. I’m not a quitter, remember? And I want to believe that everything will be okay. Maybe I’m being selfish but this one certain makes me happy. If this is so wrong, then I don’t want to be right.