May 5, 2015
I want to blog about so many things but I’m so lazy to post photos because it’s so time-consuming. Easier to rant when there are no photos. So much keeps happening. It’s hard to keep up. If these things took place one at a time, I think I’d still be able to manage. Now I just feel like… dunno.
1. One of my hamsters died
6th rodent and my very first hamster to leave me. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but nope, it never gets easier. Kinda knew it was going to happen and it was from old age so that’s my only consolation.
I was actually surprised that I cried which is quite stupid considering that a lot of my friends know me to be a crier. I’ll always remember how I once told Kenneth that I didn’t expect to feel sad over graduation and his response was, “What did you expect, you even have a problem with movies.”
I mean, who the hell cries over action movies like The Dark Knight and horror movies like The Orphanage? Kenneth, Terence and Kumar used to relish telling the story of how Titanic turns me into a sobbing mess. Which people think is normal… until they find out that I start crying 20 minutes into the movie. That isn’t very common.
Anyway, I think I am ‘reasonably’ (lol see previous post) fine because it really could have been much worse. I don’t want to compare but honestly, I have been through worse and felt worse. Like with my guinea pigs, especially the last few.
All of them died of unnatural causes, all of them were sudden, all of them involved a lot of self-blame. Not forgetting how long I had them for… the longest being 7 years. I cried so much more. Couldn’t even talk about it for months.
It’s not that I’m biased. It’s just not the same. This time, I don’t think my hamster was in pain or suffered. She grew increasingly weaker the past few days but continued eating and moving.
But I feel like people expect me to be super torn up over it and that makes me uncomfortable. Please don’t worry or say unnecessary things. If I wanted to talk about it with you, I would.
2. Went to a wake today
One of our former editors passed away (article here). He pretty much created the website that I’m currently working for. I remember how we used to have meetings with him every morning and he was a remarkable journalist/editor.
Went to his wake with my editor and colleagues today. Again, I didn’t expect to get all teary and sad because it wasn’t like we were super close, but I did. Then I noticed something and it was depressing.
Life is so short and you never know when someone is going to leave for good or when will be the last time you see them. Not just when it involves death… There are just so many goodbyes that are never said or explained.
It wasn’t until recently that I realised how hard or painful goodbyes can be. It’s scary how I used to take them for granted. Parting ways with people and saying ‘bye’ or ‘see you’ because you think it’s a given you will see them again. What if you don’t? What if something happens to them or they suddenly decide they don’t want to see you anymore? You never know.
Goodbyes are even harder when you have limited time with someone. When you already do not have enough time with someone, and whatever little you do have, is hard to come by. When things are so unpredictable that you don’t even know when the next hello will be. Or if there will even be one at all.
It’s so fucking painful. Crazy to think that I have been taking so much for granted.
3. Read a friend’s blog and it made me cry
Was reading a friend’s blog at my office desk and I was crying and wiping away my tears half the time. I could feel her pain from her posts. Such raw emotions, some of which I could relate to.
So impressed by the honesty of her posts and how she’s brave enough to talk about her feelings, life, everything. I wish I could be like that. I care too much about what people think of me and I hate it.
Reading her blog also made me realise that it’s okay for me to be sad. I am allowed to be sad. I am allowed to have days where I don’t feel like functioning. I do not owe anyone an explanation. I do not have to live my life the way people expect me to. The choices I make are mine.
These days, I keep realising that we truly don’t know anything about what other people are going through unless they tell us. And even if they do, there will still be a lot of things that we are unaware of. Everyone is fighting their own battles.
Heard from a course mate about her illness and other struggles. I didn’t even know she was ill. Heard from my colleague about his sick mum. Realised I’d barely shown empathy or concern prior. It’s like I am so self-absorbed with myself and my problems that I forget other people have them too. Why am I so selfish and narcissistic???
— Ok time for the superficial dumbfuck problems —
4. Left my phone at home today
Me forgetting my phone happens so often but my withdrawal only gets worse each time. I used to be able to survive without my phone or internet for a day but sadly, I have turned into one of those pathetic losers who are always waiting for a text or expecting a reply.
My dad says I should have just called him and he would have gone home to get it and sent it to me. So nice right???! Haha he actually asked for my namecard so that he could reach me at the office in case I didn’t bring my phone again.
So anyway, I rushed home once work ended just so I could have my phone and read/reply texts. Wow, I wonder if I can fall any lower. It’s truly pathetic and embarrassing. I should be embarrassed.
5. Heater at home has been faulty for days
So I have been bathing in cold water ever since Friday. Not sure when someone’s coming to fix it. You do realise that it has been raining quite a bit? There was one night I was screaming bloody murder because it was so fucking cold. I think I should just bathe in office tomorrow?
Today was not so bad since I was all sweaty and warm from rushing home. Geez…
6. My stomach is on fire from Buldak Bokkeum Myeon
Finally tried the famous Korean Fire Noodles. One of the most delicious maggi mee I’ve ever eaten and I finished it in 10 minutes. The spiciness was manageable?! I’d expected it to be crazy hot from all the hype. I only perspired a little bit and I didn’t even need any water during or after the meal.
But as usual, even though my mouth can take insane amounts of spicy food, my stomach unfortunately almost never feels the same way. I didn’t just have a normal stomachache where everything is fine after you visit the toilet. I actually felt my stomach heating up, for a lack of a better term.
I don’t think I am being gey-kiang leh. I really can tahan the spiciness. It’s not my fault that one organ refuses to cooperate. Sorry lor but I think it’s just going to have to suck it up because I love spicy food too much to give it up.
7. Drug cycle as usual (background story)
Honestly, none of the above would have even mattered or gotten to me as bad if I could have just have the one thing that could have made it better or all gone away. My own personal brand of heroin… (the fact that I’m even quoting Twilight… who am I??)
No wonder drug addicts find it so hard to kick the habit and always go back to their old ways. You will think I am exaggerating but let me tell you what it’s like.
When I see ‘Heroin’, I feel like my whole world literally lights up around me. I feel like a blind man seeing light for the first time. I feel like the sun has risen and shone its golden rays upon the earth. Note that this is just SEEING aka when Heroin comes into my line of vision.
But the thing about Heroin, like with all illegal substances and drugs, is that they are toxic for you. If Heroin is capable of making you feel so high, it also has the power to make you feel just as low. The higher you are, the greater the fall and the more it hurts.
Name me a real-life case study where someone actually leads a long and happy life with Heroin still in it. There aren’t any. You either break free of the habit and move on with your life or you struggle with the problem your whole life or you simply die from an overdose.
I don’t want to quit. I’d rather take the whole package of pain, tears, laughter, excitement and extreme happiness than to go back to regular contentment and average everything, knowing that I could be experiencing something more. Why would I want to go back to Earth when I’ve had a taste of paradise?
Guess I have been blinded by the sun I was talking about. Is it so bad to just wanna be happy?
Why do people blame even blame drugs or dealers? The addicts had a choice. It was their choice to make. Nobody forced them into it. Every single time they succumb to it, it was their choice to.
All I want is more attention and time but that’s exactly what I can’t seem to have. Maybe I’m getting greedy after knowing just how wonderful things can be. I already feel like I’ve been given more than I deserve and more than I’d expected. I just wish that was enough. I wish I was good enough.
Some days I think I can deal with it and accept what little I have, make the best out of it. Some days it just hurts so much that I feel like I’m going to fall apart any moment.
Between my burning desire for more time plus attention but knowing I’ll never get them and my crippling fear of losing what little I have… I can’t decide which hurts more.