Pain

Finally caught up with Vampire Diaries but now that I’m slightly interested in the plot again (things have been so shitty… who cares about travellers and the Gemini coven and overhyped villains?? They are at vampire-witch hybrids now LOL looks like they have really run out of ideas), I have no episodes left.

The show is like a never-ending funeral. Everyone is pretty much an orphan now. There’s so much pain and grief and tears. Maybe that’s what makes me so emotionally attached to it.

P/S: All gifs used in this post are from TVD.

“I feel like I’ve been crying since the day that my parents died. My life it’s – it’s like a never ending funeral. We keep burying people, Stefan. You want to know what’s heightened? This grief, I can’t stop feeling everyone’s grief. All the hurt, I feel like it’s trying to explode out of me.” – Elena Gilbert, 4×02

Makes me feel better about my life and forget my own pain. I don’t know what to say.

I didn’t think things would be so hard or I would feel this shitty all the time. Most people put up with suffering because they are working towards a goal that will make all the hardship worth it. They are guaranteed a happy ending. But there’s nothing at the end for me. Except maybe more pain.

But yet I insist on holding on… because I think the alternative hurts even more. A part of me thinks I deserve to feel this way because I chose it. And it’s not like I regret anything because there are good times too, however scarce. They are so good that I feel like they are worth putting up with anything for.

Plus I’m not a quitter. I’m the kind who forces myself to finish a book or movie no matter how bad it is or how much I hate it. I hate the feeling of leaving things undone or not knowing how they end. Just look at TVD – it’s rubbish but I keep coming back anyway.

I’m stubborn and don’t give up. Sometimes it does me more harm than good.

I don’t like who I’ve become. Some days I feel like I’m barely functional at all.

On Wednesday, I went home, showered, ate, then decided that I couldn’t deal with life any longer and went straight to bed at 8pm-ish. Other than waking up briefly twice to check the time, I was out cold for 12 hours. I didn’t want to care or think about anything so for once, I decided not to. It was nice.

The same thing happened on Friday, from 2am to 3pm. Being awake is too hard because I always think too much and trust me, it’s really tiring and emotionally draining.

I miss my motivated, productive and happy self. When I felt like everything was going so perfectly. Went to sleep feeling thankful and blissful every night because there was truly nothing to be unhappy about.

Now even when good things happen, I feel like my happiness is fleeting. Then I’ll go back to feeling like crap. Wow I’m such a ray of sunshine to be around these days.

Stefan said it all… Every time I think that everything will be okay, that I can deal with it, that I will be fine and perhaps it’s all my imagination, I realise that isn’t the case at all and go right back to square one.

Actually, I’m so used to my ‘on drugs’ cycle that I’m not even fussed anymore. I can even predict when I will be feeling what or how many days my random bursts of happiness will last before I fall apart again.

Lots of crazy-pants in the show now… Villains trying to outdo one another in the psycho department and main characters flipping the humanity switch even though we have been there, done that in Season 4. Zzzz wish I had a switch that turned off my feelings too.