• I was in a relationship I should not have been in (doesn’t matter that I’d tried to end things twice)
• I let him into my home (one of the four police officers who interviewed me pointed out that he invited himself over, take that how you will)
• I did not physically fight back (never mind that I expressed reluctance, explicitly said no, started crying, and he still didn’t stop)
• I did not call 999 immediately (one investigating officer said things would be “different” if I did as there would be “physical evidence”, so if you are ever a crime victim, make sure the first thing you do is call the police even if it’s 3am and you are in shock and crying so hard that you can barely think)
• I went back and forth about reporting it to HR because I stupidly still cared about him and didn’t want to ruin his life (even though he showed no such consideration for me) so it was over a week before I finally did, after those who knew convinced me to.
• I did not even want to name him at first but HR said no means no and coaxed it out of me, then said yes, F is “absolutely right” about him exploiting my vulnerability.
• I waited another week after that before going to the police because I did not want to spoil my birthday week or be reminded of it every year, but you should have seen the look on the investigating officer’s face when she realised my birthday was only two days before my report.
• Just days before the incident, he gave me a ring and put it on my ring finger while we were at his house. An early birthday present, he said. Sorry if I didn’t realise that meant he was now entitled to me or my body, just like I didn’t realise how serious he was all the times he said I belonged to him and “you are mine”.
• I was stupidly happy that week (and also happily ignoring red flags, F calling him a fuckboi, K saying he seems controlling, and A warning me) because he’d been spending time with me outside of the office and I have no reason to upset the balance / destroy what we had by lying or making things up.
• My story is and always will be consistent even if I had to repeat it 4 times to the police because I’m telling the truth, but sorry if I was trying to hold it together and didn’t appear traumatised enough. Maybe I should have asked him to given me visible injuries and not just lifelong trauma.
• I wake up multiple times through the night even though it’s not the norm for me, have nightmares and thoughts of hurting myself, have lost interest in socialising, but hey who cares, it’s not tangible evidence and life goes on for everyone else.
• 2024 was tough and I confided in only 3 people and he was one of them. How can someone I trusted so much hurt me so deeply and irreparably, right? I too have still have trouble processing it.
• It was a consensual relationship so of course everything that falls under it is consensual amirite? Gives someone free rein to abuse you?
• My love for him, the letter I wrote him for his June birthday that he hid in his little red car, the milkshakes I made him because he claimed no one else had ever done that for him… Now that’s more tangible evidence than our chat logs where he did not deny hurting me.
Sometimes I feel like I deserve it and it’s my fault because what was I expecting? At the same time, I feel that no one deserves this no matter what they might have done and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
