I am quite off my predictions because there’s so much more Swift than I was expecting even though I didn’t attend her concert, while I saw Coldplay and Martin Garrix. Then again, what a year it has been…

Is It Over Now and Wonderland are songs I associate with you and exactly how I feel about us. Because it wasn’t over when I ended things in June, it wasn’t over when I ended things in August, and even in October it still wasn’t over until it had to be. Meanwhile, Wonderland’s lyrics describe it all perfectly.

my tears ricochet was a surprise. I only started playing it on loop because of It Ends With Us… something I never thought I would relate to with regard to you. But now even the lyrics remind me of you.

So many whys… but I have given up on finding the answers.

— The Five Year Lie, Sarina Bowen

Love this quote from a book I read in August. I think about it from time to time because it reminds me of you and all the (empty) promises you made.

Never wanted or expected you to fix my problems. You being there and listening already meant so much to me.

The biggest lie was when you promised not to hurt me. This was early days but even then, I was skeptical because it’s such a huge thing to promise and how could you be so sure.

Turns out that not only did you not fix anything, you were the one who dealt the killing blow.

That’s always been the most insane and unfathomable part to me. You knew about everything I’ve been through the past year. You saw and heard it all yourself. You were there for most of it and when things blew up.

(Though F said you were exploiting the situation and relishing the drama because it gave us a chance to reconnect after I ended things for the second time. And HR said, “Yes, F is absolutely right.”).

Then somehow everything worked itself out and I was finally at peace. We were in a good place and talked about focusing on us and being happy and enjoying the rest of the year.

But you just had to break me completely.

Everything destroyed in just a few seconds. And I’ll never understand why.