— The Five Year Lie, Sarina Bowen

Love this quote from a book I read in August. I think about it from time to time because it reminds me of you and all the (empty) promises you made.

Never wanted or expected you to fix my problems. You being there and listening already meant so much to me.

The biggest lie was when you promised not to hurt me. This was early days but even then, I was skeptical because it’s such a huge thing to promise and how could you be so sure.

Turns out that not only did you not fix anything, you were the one who dealt the killing blow.

That’s always been the most insane and unfathomable part to me. You knew about everything I’ve been through the past year. You saw and heard it all yourself. You were there for most of it and when things blew up.

(Though F said you were exploiting the situation and relishing the drama because it gave us a chance to reconnect after I ended things for the second time. And HR said, “Yes, F is absolutely right.”).

Then somehow everything worked itself out and I was finally at peace. We were in a good place and talked about focusing on us and being happy and enjoying the rest of the year.

But you just had to break me completely.

Everything destroyed in just a few seconds. And I’ll never understand why.

To others, it’s perhaps just a singular event. But to me, it’s so much more.

I don’t just have to come to terms with what happened or that it was you who did what you did.

I also lost a relationship.

I lost a close friend and trusted confidante.

I lost my sense of self and autonomy, because it was taken away from me.

There’s so much to grieve.

When Farah said it would take something explosive for things to end because she couldn’t see either of us ending it, I don’t think anyone could ever imagine it would be something this explosive.

Of all things, I never thought it would be an act of harm. On me. By you.

Anything that reminds me of you makes me sad, but being at Funan hurts especially much because it was where we had our last date before it all went so wrong. I’ve been back a few times since but today hurt more than usual, for some inexplicable reason.

I remember that day vividly (just like I remember so many days with you) because we didn’t even make plans beforehand, but you had an afternoon meeting there and I had dinner plans with Farah there, so I left house earlier to spend time with you.

We took a long walk and oh how I have always loved walks with you. We were looking for somewhere to sit and you casually mentioned, “You want barista coffee right,” and I remember being happy that you knew me, that you remembered this about me. I told you we didn’t have to go to a cafe because I had a feeling I would be going with Farah later.

We went to sit at the food court to do work on our own laptops and you got an avocado milkshake for us. By then, avocado milkshakes had become our secret language and inside joke. I remember being happy about getting to spend time together on this unexpected Friday, and loving how our schedules aligned and wondering if there’s some magic in that, and feeling blissfully content.

(Earlier in the week you’d told me that you would be slow to reply to messages on Friday evening and explained why, and I said thank you for letting me know. I deeply appreciated this simple act of consideration, especially when you know that I tend to overthink.)

Then you had to go and I stayed behind to wait for Farah but not long later, you texted and told me to forgive you for all the times you were exasperating (another inside word and joke).

I was surprised to hear from you but replied “always forgiven” and it’s true because I never held anything against you for long, especially when we had always been able to talk through any issues.

It might have been a seemingly ordinary day, yet one I can recall in such great detail because it all meant a lot to me. I remember thinking maybe our schedules were meant to align or maybe the universe was sending me a sign. Regardless, I was thankful for the time I had with you and for you.

I was happy. I’d even worn your ring out.

And then Saturday night happened and nothing was the same again. Nothing will be the same again.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive this time.

Maybe I’m a delusional fool. Maybe it was all an act and I’m the only one who couldn’t see it. And I can totally understand if other people say it was never a real relationship (maybe they’re right) or give it more derogatory labels.

(I myself did not want you to use relationship labels and told you not to call me your gf. I myself disagreed when ___ called it a bf-gf relationship and I told them not to write that.)

Call it whatever you want. Words and labels have nothing on how I feel anyway. But it was real for me, even if you were never genuine. My feelings, our relationship, everything we shared, all of it.

Maybe it’s true what people say, that grief is the price we pay for love. Even though it feels like I’m the only one suffering and paying the price. Which makes sense, since it’s now clear after the insurmountable hurt you have inflicted, that you never loved me.

I still don’t understand so many things (like why you had to hurt me), but I know that now at least.