Been wanting to watch It Ends With Us in theatres and today I finally did. The timing is uncanny or maybe subconsciously I knew I needed to watch it more than ever. So much of it resonated and the parallels to what has happened…

The abuse scenes are so well-done because they really look like accidents and you want to believe that they are accidents, until you can kid yourself no more.

Cried through all 130 minutes of #ItEndsWithUs 🥹 Such a good adaptation and the soundtrack is perfection pic.twitter.com/RqmLevjtks

— Cherlynn (@twiinklex) October 14, 2024

I too want to believe that you didn’t mean it and it was unintentional. I so badly want to forgive even though the logical part of me knows that what you did is unforgivable. I know that if I asked anyone, they would say what you did was unforgivable. And I know that if this happened to someone I cared about, I would tell them it is unforgivable.

And it coming from you, with what you know and everything we have been through the entire year, makes it all the more unforgivable.

How can someone I love, who claims to love me, be capable of this? Of hurting me?

I used to associate you with safety and warmth and comfort. You offered me kindness and laughter in a year of darkness and chaos. I loved being lulled to sleep while on video call with you because I felt so safe and contented. You were someone I trusted and confided in. Hell, I even wrote a whole post about it.

Even when we were on the outs, or no matter how exasperated I got with you, how I felt deep down did not change. You might be a fuckboi, but you were my fuckboi.

We have been through so, so much. But maybe there is no coming back from this. Maybe this will be what finally breaks us.

Favourite quotes from the book:

“I was blinded to all the best things about him thanks to all the glimpses I got of him when he was at his worst. Five minutes of witnessing him at his worst couldn’t make up for even five years of him at his best.”

“Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break. It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles, rather than facing the fear of jumping and possibly not landing on your feet.”

“I would beg her to leave him. I would tell her that she is worth so much more. And I would beg her not to go back, no matter how much he loves her. She’s worth so much more.”

To more objective eyes, it is fuckbois and foolishness and manipulation and so clear-cut. And maybe they are right.

But how can I be objective when I was the one there for all these moments, experiencing what I did, feeling what I felt?

It’s how you made me laugh on days I want to cry (specifically Thursday, but there have been lots of such days this year and you were there for so many of them).

It’s how we videocalled till I fell asleep without even realising it (I don’t recall either of us hanging up but my call log says 4am) and I slept through all the way and opened my eyes to daylight.

It’s how you said “Anything please call me.” It’s how you offered to take me to the station because “How can I let you go alone?”

It’s how you said “Why would I?” when I asked what if you stopped loving me. It’s how you told me to be patient with you while you learn how to love me better.

It’s how you not only made me book my TCM visit, but brought me there because you knew otherwise I wouldn’t go. It’s how you stayed with me in the physician’s room and chatted me through the acupuncture session because you could tell I was nervous.

It’s how we would wait for each other. It’s how you would drive over just to eat with me. It’s how we saw each other for 10 days straight not just because our schedules happened to align over the weekend, but because you were making an effort.

It’s how I didn’t mind being out on weekend duty that much because you drove me and waited for me and I joked that it gave us an opportunity to go dating. It’s how I asked if we could go get coffee and was very insistent it had to be the specialty barista-made ones and the banter was hilarious (“lucky you pretty”) and you took me to a cafe anyway.

It’s how you bought me orange juice to “pump me full of Vitamin C” when I was having the flu. It’s how you wanted to buy me McNuggets. It’s how you queued for coffee for me even though you don’t drink coffee. It’s how you always take broccoli when ordering mala because you know I love it.

It’s how you mentioned my letter and I didn’t know what you were talking about at first because it’s been so long, but turns out you kept my note all this time even though I’d said it was okay to throw it away.

It’s how you have been listening to me through my highs and lows. It’s how you have been encouraging me, cheering me on, believing in me and having confidence in me even when I don’t.

It’s how I’m at a point where I just wanna give up and there you are again.

So how can I possibly be objective?

And maybe I’m conveniently ignoring all the downs in between and all the flashing red flags. But is it really so bad to just want to hold on to the happy memories for as long as I can, for as long as I have them, and for as long as they last?