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Posts Tagged ‘The Great Depression’

Jaded

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September 22nd, 2016 Posted 1:14 am

Feeling jaded with life in general. Only been back at work for one day and I am stressing already, mainly because I have a very important presentation tomorrow and public speaking just freaks me out. Important guests are actually paying money to attend our workshop and hear us share our expertise. Really hope it goes well.

Everyone who saw the selfie I posted on my Instagram story says that I look so tired. My dark eye rings are super obvious because I was up till 5am reading and then I had to wake up 3 hours later for work. Priorities…

I really hoped I wouldn’t be blogging about W again but I just can’t help it especially since I’m feeling down today.

I know sometimes people think that I do very reckless things and put myself at risk or in harm’s way. Like with the excessive drinking, getting onto a stranger’s bike at 3am and loads of other crazy adventures.

But what I have never told anyone is that deep down I feel like it doesn’t really matter even if something terrible does happen, because the worst has already happened. No one can hurt me more than he already did.

And just to be clear, nothing bad has ever happened whenever I drink because I’m surrounded by the best bunch of friends ever. Even the stranger whose bike I got on is now a friend who has been nothing but nice and respectful to me.

Also, I have never ever drank in W’s presence since he was the one who made me so sad and turn to alcohol in the first place anyway. In his presence, I constantly tried to be my best self and on my best behaviour (yes wtf right)even though I knew that wasn’t the real me but I felt like that was what he wanted.

Drinking is a coping mechanism and not the problem, unlike what people may think. But who cares what people think anyway? They know nothing.

you know nothing jon snow

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Emotional baggage

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September 5th, 2016 Posted 1:58 am

Haven’t stalked you online for what feels like quite awhile.

Mainly because I finally blocked you a couple of weeks ago, something I should have done ages ago but I just couldn’t bear to because social media was the only way I could still keep tabs on you and find out how you were doing. Because I still gave a damn even though I shouldn’t. Not anymore.

But it wasn’t healthy and I just can’t keep doing this forever. At the beginning, it was hard and I still searched for your name every now and then to see if you posted anything even after blocking you. Self-defeating, I know. But I find that I’m not doing that anymore so I guess it worked after all. And unlike Instagram, Facebook makes it impossible to still continue viewing an account that you have blocked.

Someone asked me why I had to go to such extremes and to the extent of blocking you, and what was it you did exactly and was it that bad. To me, yes, loads of stuff that I’ll never forget. Maybe someday I’ll not be afraid to talk about it. But right now I just can’t.

But it’s not because I’m angry or that I hate you or anything like that. How could I ever? It’s more for myself. Because I don’t want to be reminded of you at all, I don’t want to even see any hint of you on my feeds, because I just can’t deal with it or the pain it brings. All I associate with you is grief, hurt and pain.

Torn over whether to move these blog posts about you to a more private space or just leave them here as well. Because I just want to close the freaking chapter and move on but yet I don’t want to bury what was such a huge part of my life, even though I was merely a sentence in yours.

Even people who I have never met before know or have heard about me being… emo and self-destructive (for lack of better words). Not forgetting how all the emotional baggage has ruined so many good things for me on more than one occasion.

I don’t want to be linked to all these emotional baggage but yet I also feel it’s what makes me who I am and if people can’t accept it then too bad?

Sigh I don’t know. Somehow it always comes back to you in the end.

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