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Posts Tagged ‘life’

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June 19th, 2018 Posted 11:18 pm

June 19, 2018 / 11:18PM

I feel good today. And I want to stop feeling bad and guilty and ashamed over something that’s not entirely my fault or my own doing to begin with, especially when there’s nothing I can do but wait it out and hope for the best. Especially when my feelings are not being considered, so I should be selfish and just focus on myself too.

Hopefully this positive vibe lasts… maybe it’s because I went to the gym today and had a rather long run. Was rewatching Game of Thrones scenes on the treadmill and I got reminded of how the show helped me to be strong at a time when I really needed it.

game of thrones inspiring

I meant to tweet this (sometime in 2016 when Season 6 was airing) but never did and it’s been sitting in my drafts ever since. But it’s really more than just a show to me because it has taught and inspired me so much.

Rewatching Daenerys destroy all her enemies and Cersei blow up the city today reminded me of the strong female like them that I’m supposed to be. How could I have forgotten and allowed other people to make me feel bad about myself? I got carried away, let my guard down and made myself vulnerable once more… but never again.

all men must die but we are not men gif

Anyway, I wonder at what point will I finally stop this fixation with being thin??? I don’t think I have been this weight since my school days and yet I still don’t feel like it’s enough. And I get the feeling that I’ll never be satisfied.

It saddens me that I am no longer a 36C but I guess you can’t have the best of both worlds ? Sucks that I still have new bras in that size that I have yet to wear!! I don’t wanna be flat but I also don’t wanna be fat and I also worry about over-running and being too muscular.

Also, I realised that it’s very easy to not eat when your mood is shitty and you have no appetite. As compared to exercising all your willpower and discipline to starve. For the past few days, I’ve been eating only one meal a day but I can’t even finish my food.

Today I was at Toast Box and wanted to get toast because I planned on going to the gym instead of eating lunch. While queuing, I Googled how many calories there would be in butter toast (I don’t like kaya or peanut butter which are healthier alternatives).

butter toast calories

Walao I was so horrified upon seeing this (especially the butter part) that I decided not to order it at all and just got tea (coffee is my toxic bff lol). I wish I could stop obsessing over numbers (calories, weight etc) but I can’t help it.

I was also telling Farah that I feel like my hair is thinning because it keeps dropping but her hair looks very thick and nice. Then she said actually she drops a lot of hair and that mine looks thick to her HAHAHA. So I get that a lot of it is really just in my head… but how do you stop compulsive behaviour?

But it’s ok I’m a work in progress and one day at a time ok. I think I’ve got exercise and diet down fine, but it’s sleep which I’ve always had a problem with. Now my new rule is lights out before midnight, so that I’ll sleep earlier, and I’ve been trying to follow it.

You know, as much as I whine and wallow sometimes, I do like my life. Crazy and messy it might be, but at least it’s never boring and I do like living.

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Why me?

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June 14th, 2018 Posted 10:56 pm

June 14, 2018 / 10:56PM

My troubles are far from over. Got dealt a second blow today.

And there I was, thinking I was in the clear and that I could finally take a chill pill and wanting to turn over a new leaf. Why bother? So here I am, drinking wine (I chilled a whole bottle for myself) and writing this.

Yes I know it has been only two weeks and actual change takes much longer to prove. But I really did try my best by keeping to my healthy routines (work, gym, reading etc) and staying away from self-destructive behaviour (no binge-drinking, cutting off narratives etc). And while there were times when my thoughts wandered, I never acted on them.

Which should be what counts, right? But is there a point to being good if shit is gonna happen anyway? Admittedly this shit was brought on before I decided to try and be a better person, but still…

I’m just feeling a whole mix of emotions.

Confused: How could this have happened? When? What did I do? How could I have let it happen? How did it happen???

Unfair: Why me? What did I do to deserve this (ok, quite a few bad/wrong things but I never meant to hurt anyone and if anything, it was always me who winded up feeling hurt or getting the short end of the stick)? Is what I have done so bad that it warrants such a punishment? Just because I seek affection and attention from the wrong people?

Angry: Who did this to me? Who left me this mess? Was it on purpose because I feel like it’s possible the culprit knew and did it anyway.

Disgust: I’m repulsed by myself, is that possible? I have never felt self-disgust to such degree. If I were not me, I would not want to come near me.

Guilty: I’ve not just caused myself pain and distress, I’ve inflicted on people I care about and perhaps even people I don’t even know. I set off a whole chain of events and I should have known that there are always consequences for our every action. Everything has a cause and effect. Surely I didn’t think I could have gotten away scot-free, to consciously do reckless and stupid shit and expect to come out unscathed? Look at what I have done.

Sad: I lost a good thing in my life that brought me some degree of happiness. And turns out it most likely fell apart because of me. Things have changed forever even if everything turns out fine and nothing will be the same again. No amount of apology can convey how sorry I am or undo the damage I have inflicted and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.

I’m someone who internally criticises myself a lot, points out my flaws to myself all the time, terrible self-esteem, but because I’m human, only I can do it to myself and I get upset when people criticise me. It makes me very self-defensive and touchy and aggrieved.

Today’s blow pretty much knocked me off my judgemental high horse because hey guess what, people were right and I am the problem all along. Perhaps this is my second lesson.

I’m so tired and I just want everything to be over. Daren’t and shan’t hope for more.

I wish this narrative had a different ending. But sometimes the stories write you instead of the other way round and you realise you don’t really have control after all.

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