twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

twiinklex ❤
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Tag: life

Don’t stop writing

Randomly decided to open and read my 2018 journal (an actual physical one) and was quite surprised at what I found. There weren’t a lot of entries, only from July to November that year, and I don’t think I have written anything offline ever since.

But I wish I had kept writing because it’s such a good refresher/record of events and memories. I was surprised to realise how much I’d written about some people in the journal, to be reminded about random upsetting happenings that I’ve forgotten about till now, and about how… honest I just was since I knew nobody would ever read it.

And there was this paragraph I wrote:

journaling

Still relevant and still hasn’t changed. I just feel like it’s so illuminating, being reminded of what I have always wanted my whole life (even though this was written only two years ago).

Actually, writing by hand is damn freaking tiring, which is partly why I stopped 😂 Like I always have so much to record down but it’s tedious!!! But somehow, it’s also where I am the most honest.

I have this blog where there are private posts visible to no one else except me, password-protected posts and public posts. And actually I also have a few other anonymous sites (lol don’t bother looking)… Oh and Word documents too. But for some reason, the handwritten journals always have the most honesty.

Someone once asked me why I like to write and ruminate so much, everything also write down. I guess firstly, it’s my way of processing things. Secondly, I am a writer more than a talker. Thirdly, I just like to record down memories in detail so that I can look back on them and remember. Fourthly, so that there are receipts and timestamps as proof, should I ever need them. Morbid but yeah.

Anyway, I should keep writing!!!


We all go a little mad sometimes

I’m fine, really.

Call it a momentary psychotic break, temporary insanity, a meltdown, something I needed to do to purge it out of my system, whatever. So I relapsed for One Day, big freaking deal.

pyscho normal bates gif

Haven’t you? Norman Bates

Perhaps there’s a handful of people who now think the worst of me or that I’m a horrid human being or that I seriously need help… but so what? Doesn’t matter. Ultimately, they are just fleeting people whose opinions don’t matter. I get that now.

Cos goddamn it I realise that sometimes I just need to cut myself some slack. It hasn’t even been a month. Who hasn’t had a bad day or made mistakes? At the end of the day, all I have is myself so I really gotta be kinder to myself. Be your own biggest cheerleader and everything.

The thing about life is you are allowed to start over anytime. Every day is a new day to start afresh, a new beginning. So yeah I had one bad day, now let’s move on. Back to normal life.

In 2016, I read this book called Reasons To Stay Alive by Matt Haig. I felt like it… saved me. One of those rare books that just seem to get it. Decided to re-read it earlier and even though I don’t feel the same level of despair now as I did then, it’s still relevant.

reasons to stay alive matt haig

First and foremost, I feel like the book acknowledges your pain and what you are going through before anything else. Not try to give you solutions or explain anything or say all the usual cliches. It acknowledges how you are feeling and that it’s okay to feel that way.

And sometimes that’s all you want. For someone to acknowledge what you are going through and not tell you things you already know like ‘it happens’ or ‘it’s part of life’ or ‘time will heal everything’ or ‘get over it’. You think I don’t know all of that already?

reasons to stay alive

Instead of telling you that you are not alone, that there are people who love you, who will listen to you, who care for you (which I’m sure all of us already know), it acknowledges that pain, no matter how small, is a very isolating experience.

Which I completely agree with. As much as I love my loved ones, there are still things I’ll never be able to share and things nobody else will ever get.

reasons to stay alive

It’s all I have been doing. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to go anything beyond a one-liner when people ask why. I want you to accept it, to believe it when I say I’m okay. I like it when people buy it and say I seem to be coping well. At least I can do one thing right.

Of course, I have been slipping up recently. The cracks are starting to show. Excuse me while I patch them up. Meanwhile, please play along, thank you very much.

reasons to stay alive

reasons to stay alive

reasons to stay alive

This is true. I meant it when I say nothing can hurt me as much now. I’ve felt worse. I’ve had worse days. Last Friday and 27 days ago? Inconsequential.

reasons to stay alive

That soft warm cushioning of existence that is so comforting you end up forgetting the hangover that will ensue 🙂!!! In another chapter, he wrote that if you can’t stop at the first glass, you are probably not stopping at the third. Tell me about it.

Admittedly it feels nice to be high and light and numb to the bad stuff… until you are off your fucking face and by then it’s too late.

reasons to stay alive

Why when faced with Sensible Choices and Bad Decisions, more often than not I end up choosing the latter. And I’m not the only one.

reasons to stay alive

reasons to stay alive

I wish I listened to myself more. Honestly, I do know what works for me and what doesn’t. Been there, done that. But sometimes you have to go through it for it to sink in. I knew I was on the path of self-destruction but I forgot how it felt like to bask in regret and self-loathing so now I have my reminder.

reasons to stay alive

reasons to stay alive

Keep going, keep going, keep going. The only way out is through.

You did it before, you can do it again.

reasons to stay alive

Which brings me back to what I wrote at the start.

I’m going to be okay.