twiinklex ❤

Dumb and tired

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November 16th, 2018 Posted 12:50 am

November 16, 2018 / 12:50AM

I know I say I’m tired every day but I really am.

My intern asked me a few days ago if I’m okay and I said, “Not okay also have to be okay” and this is pretty much our lives at work. Like both of us are not feeling well but we come to work anyway because otherwise there’s nobody else to do the work and we feel guilty.

She also said she always tells her friends about how I once wrote ten articles and then still went running at the gym, and they will all be like huh?!?!?! 😂 But hey I love running and I’m not gonna use work as an excuse to not exercise ok.

I don’t know how I am still alive because to be honest, I don’t think a regular person can handle my workload. And it’s crazy that sometimes we full-timers work 7 days a week with no breaks in between… in fact, I’ve calculated and I will be working 19 days in a row before my next off day and I don’t know how this is even happening.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the content, I love writing, I love helping people to solve their issues. But lately I’ve been thinking how so many people want me to help them with their grievances every day, but who’s gonna help with mine? And I really want to help all of them but there’s only so much I can do with limited time and resources.

I feel so under-appreciated… clearly the company doesn’t care or I wouldn’t be working alone with just one intern. People are always shocked whenever I tell them that one of Singapore’s most famous websites runs on only two people on a typical day.

My direct boss tries to make it better with free lunches and letting us leave early on slower days but I am still exhausted from doing so much every day.

Then there’s the bunch of keyboard warriors who just wanna shit on everything we write. And sometimes the people I helped don’t even appreciate it and/or want more zzzz.

Anyway I’m really burned out to the point where I feel like my work quality and quantity is dropping. Some days I wonder what I’m even writing. I am not a quitter and I always do the best I can, but I am not a robot. And eventually there comes a point where I just won’t be able to go on anymore.

I guess I just wish there was somebody who understood. But there isn’t anyone and nobody ever can because nobody has as much to do as me. They can just focus on their own stories. But not only do I have to do my own work, I also have to manage all the content and the hotline and monitor everything and check their work (who’s gonna check mine for me?) every single day I’m in the office. Oh and I’m also the only one who can do Chinese content.

So ya which is why I say I’m dumb… I should just not care and do the bare minimum and nobody can do anything about it anyway. It’s not like anyone cares about the website or me or my work. We have won awards for 4 years in a row and I did the submissions for all 4 years, but hey who cares right.

Today I wished I could rewind back to six months ago when I felt so much happier and motivated and fulfilled. At least then I had a few readers who commented regularly and sometimes left compliments (most disappeared together after some privacy policy changes I think). And I still had my closest confidante who visited the site just to read my articles and thought the world of me (who pretends I don’t exist now).

Some might think it’s stupid that I pay attention to the comments on my articles but they do mean a lot to me. I told my intern today that sometimes I feel like these readers are the only ones who appreciate what I do.

Ok I sound so whiny but I am really tired and stressed and in low spirits. There are other factors besides work but I’m too lazy to go on. Wish there was something to look forward to. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life la but I know things will be easier if I just stop caring so much. What’s the point anyway?

So so so tired.

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Posted in Others

Fascinating free fall feeling

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September 24th, 2018 Posted 12:30 am

September 24, 2018 / 12:30AM

Can’t believe how time flies??? I didn’t realise the last time I updated was over a month ago but I’ve been so lazy and tired and busy. I think the hours I worked this weekend amounted to one regular weekday and it’s like 7 working days in a row 😞

Anyway I fell off my bed at the start of September and I still remember the feeling till now. It’s a storage bed that’s higher than average so the fall hurt quite a bit. I fell on my left side but look at the bruises I found when I was fully conscious in the morning:

Fall down bed bruise

Fall down bed injured

The reason why I’m writing about this seemingly mundane incident is mostly for myself because I wanna remember it. But honestly I felt quite fascinated by how I felt during the fall even though I was half asleep.

I remember dreaming about something (though I can’t recall what it was) and then I turned towards the left, thinking there was a lot of bed space (clearly there wasn’t). Next thing I knew, I was falling and technically I know it was only seconds before I landed, but it felt much longer and a lot went through my mind during the descent.

I can’t remember exactly what I was thinking but I did tweet about it after landing (and yeah it happened at 6ish in the morning):

As the title suggests, it was a very fascinating free fall feeling… like you are in the air and you know you are falling but you simply enjoy this sick sensation and while you might have flailed your limbs, you don’t open your eyes until you land painfully.

I know I got up and went back to bed and had another random dream. I didn’t notice the bruises on my left pinky finger and the left side of both my knees until much later. Wish I’d recorded down the two dreams too but oh well.

Anyway you can say I’m psychoanalysing myself or over-thinking or just knowing myself but this weirdass sensation I’m so fascinated with is like the same kind of feeling I get from some of my most toxic/no-no relationships wtf. Some of you might know that I am very attracted to one particular sort of relationship… I call it an affliction because I know I should stay away and run for the hills but at the same time I can’t help being drawn.

It’s like you know it will crash and burn and end in flames but you go ahead anyway because the thrill of the journey is unparalleled to anything else you’ve ever experienced. Yes you’re only gonna land with a painful thud, there’s no other ending to this, but the descent makes you feel so… wow. I don’t know even how to describe it. And then when you finally snap out of it, that’s when the pain comes and you lick your wounds.

Ugh I don’t wanna say too much here but we’ll see.

Posted in Photographs