twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

twiinklex ❤

Category: Others

Feelings are overrated

I’m surprised by how okay I actually feel. I thought I would be devastated or torn up or unable to function but surprise, surprise. I mean, the first day and the first weekend sucked but I feel like I’m just going on as normal now. Some days I even feel in high spirits. Though some days I wonder if I really feel nothing or if I’m just not allowing myself to feel.

And zero drunk-crying rages so far, can you believe it? I barely drank the past few months while working at home (no fun without friends) but now that we can socialise again… (drinking is a lifestyle regardless of whether I’m going through something or not lol).

Maybe this is what they call adulting. No longer in my early 20s!!!

Anyway it’s a good thing and I would say there are a few contributing factors:

  • Sometimes people make it very easy for me to not give a shit
  • Legit nothing can hurt me as much now, everything just pales in comparison
  • Read enough and been through enough to know what people’s words and actions mean, no need for second-guessing and over-thinking and what ifs
  • I was self-sufficient and in a good place to begin with

I honestly feel that the circuit breaker had nothing to do with what happened (the problems existed regardless), but I guess it turned out to be a good transitionary period. During the two months, I mostly kept to myself and did my own things. Work was more hectic than usual (thanks ah people who flouted the law and ended up in viral videos) but I was pretty content with my books, hamsters, Netflix and whatever else I did.

So now I’m just continuing do the same, with the added bonus of finally being able to see my friends. Back to my old life two years ago when I was on my own but self-sufficient and content and did not stop for anyone, minus the travelling and hiking (but I can wait).

One thing I really miss and want is the office gym. If these were regular times and I was still going to office, I would definitely be on the treadmill almost every day. I know there are other gyms and I can outdoors but it’s not the same la. Of all my coping mechanisms, this is definitely the healthiest 😂

At least I can finally go to the library again!!!

I chanced upon this small little book titled ‘It’s ok not to be ok’ on a shelf and wanted to see if it was worth borrowing. But then I flipped to this page and realised that we have very different ideals so it’s better if I didn’t waste my time HAHAHA.

Oh ya I went back to bangs 🙂

Goodbye, June

I haven’t been able to read a book and I feel like a crap pet owner ever since recent events, but I have been going back to read a lot of old stuff, which has helped in some ways.

I got reminded about how two years ago I wrote that Game Of Thrones was more than just a show to me because it always inspired me and gave me strength at times when I really needed it. Up till Season 6 anyway, and then the finale was so disappointing that I pretty much forgot about the show.

(Also lol @ how I wrote that I would never allow myself to be vulnerable again and failed miserably)

Went to the gym today (finally) to feel better and I watched Daenerys scenes again because her strength and perseverance never fails to encourage me to keep running. And it reminded me of why I was so pissed off with the finale and the ending they gave her.

Daenerys ending

I was always rooting for Daenerys. In some ways, believing in her made me believe that maybe I could be strong too despite everything. Just like her.

Despite all the crap thrown her way and everything she went through, she overcame them all. From having nothing to having everything. From losing everything to bouncing back with more than ever. A symbol of strength and courage and everything I wish I could be.

I loved watching her scenes. Until they made her go psycho within a couple of episodes, rushing through everything just because they wanted to wrap up the entire show.

tara banks rooting for you

I hated the ending for almost every character in the show actually, except for Theon which I thought was really well done. But everyone else deserved so much better after everything they had been through.

It just makes you wonder if you can ever really break free from the past. All it took was a few days and I find myself once again engaging in toxic and self-destructive behaviour that I thought I’d left behind. And no, I’m not talking about anything related to food or alcohol.

Anyway this is really a random post but I just wanted to write it down.