September 5, 2016
Haven’t stalked you online for what feels like quite awhile.
Mainly because I finally blocked you a couple of weeks ago, something I should have done ages ago but I just couldn’t bear to because social media was the only way I could still keep tabs on you and find out how you were doing. Because I still gave a damn even though I shouldn’t. Not anymore.
But it wasn’t healthy and I just can’t keep doing this forever. At the beginning, it was hard and I still searched for your name every now and then to see if you posted anything even after blocking you. Self-defeating, I know. But I find that I’m not doing that anymore so I guess it worked after all. And unlike Instagram, Facebook makes it impossible to still continue viewing an account that you have blocked.
Someone asked me why I had to go to such extremes and to the extent of blocking you, and what was it you did exactly and was it that bad. To me, yes, loads of stuff that I’ll never forget. Maybe someday I’ll not be afraid to talk about it. But right now I just can’t.
But it’s not because I’m angry or that I hate you or anything like that. How could I ever? It’s more for myself. Because I don’t want to be reminded of you at all, I don’t want to even see any hint of you on my feeds, because I just can’t deal with it or the pain it brings. All I associate with you is grief, hurt and pain.
Torn over whether to move these blog posts about you to a more private space or just leave them here as well. Because I just want to close the freaking chapter and move on but yet I don’t want to bury what was such a huge part of my life, even though I was merely a sentence in yours.
Even people who I have never met before know or have heard about me being… emo and self-destructive (for lack of better words). Not forgetting how all the emotional baggage has ruined so many good things for me on more than one occasion.
I don’t want to be linked to all these emotional baggage but yet I also feel it’s what makes me who I am and if people can’t accept it then too bad?
Sigh I don’t know. Somehow it always comes back to you in the end.