:( x ∞
July 27, 2010
Same thing. Either no time or no mood to update. Despite working so hard the whole of last week, I still have tons of work waiting. Yet all I’ve being doing recently is to stone in front of my laptop, hardly doing anything.
How do I start? Where do I start? So many things going on that I don’t even know where to begin.
During the day I’m fine, mostly. School and the people physically around me keeps me occupied. It’s nights like these when I start thinking too much and my mind starts to wander. I lie on my bed and I can’t sleep, so what do I do? I think. I think unnecessary junk and nonsense.
I know I can do without all these useless thoughts clogging up my mind and upsetting me, but I can’t help it. I feel inspired to pour all all my feelings on my blog but I’m too lazy to start up my laptop again. Writing it elsewhere like on my phone first then transferring it later is just not the same.
The atmosphere and mood is just different. I need to see this lovely dashboard of mine. The big white blank space beckoning for me to fill it up with words. To pour out all my emotions and capture how I feel that very moment.
And one bad thing about being nocturnal is when I am badly in need of a listening ear, all my close friends are asleep already. And comes next morning but I don’t feel like sharing anything already. It’s just not the same, you know?
I bottle everything inside and then I get so stressed up and tormented by my thoughts I release them in the form of tears. It’s just that they always manage to find their way back into my mind 24 hours later, same time same place. Pretty sucky isn’t it.
I have my favourite games on my laptop now, games that I’ve been looking for like crazy and used to love like mad, but I don’t even feel like playing them. Fickle me huh. Seems like once I get something, I don’t want it anymore. Nothing new.
Chocolatier, in my utmost favourite version 3 which Yixuan helped me to find. Harvest Moon which I was hooked on last time. Wonderland Online, favourite online MMORPG ever which I played with my childhood friend Zikry.
Used to be hooked on all these games but somehow, whether by choice or not, I stopped playing and now I have all these games again but I don’t feel like playing. They used to make me so happy and addicted.
Maybe one of the reasons is because starting over makes me so sian. I made so much progress in these games already; spent so much time and effort etc, and now I have to start all over. I don’t mind starting over that much but I guess things just aren’t the same anymore.
Nothing in the present is ever exactly the same as in the past, the way I want things to be. Why does the past always seem happier and simpler? I know we should look forward in life and embrace the future but sometimes I just can’t help feeling otherwise.
Got so upset in the afternoon today by some “supposedly-joking words” that I teared a bit in lecture theatre during GSM. Covered it up by pretending to be tired and rubbing my eyes.
Yes I know but I really did go for GSM and 2 group work meetings today even though there isn’t school because classes today and tomorrow are all cancelled. Maybe I really have snapped. Normally I would not have gone, group work or not, classes or not.
Don’t feel any happier about there being no school these 2 days though. Doesn’t seem to change anything right?
Then I was in high spirits afterwards, since both group meetings were productive. Plus parents didn’t scold or nag me for losing my EZ-link card.
At first I was quite tense since it felt like the calm before the storm but they really didn’t scold me. Especially my dad. Honestly I feel scared when he loses his temper, whoever it is with. And usually my mom can’t stop nagging back. The average ratio of what you say to what she will say back is like 1:20 normally hahaha oops.
Nevermind, I still love them and I know I totally deserve to be scolded. But somehow this time I’m so grateful that they didn’t scold, nag or lecture me. I don’t need any aggravation to feel worse.
No freaking idea where my card went anyway. It should be at home but I just can’t find it. Forget it. For now anyway.
Just now Yixuan said my current profile picture on Facebook is nice but looks so emo that I seem like the wrist-slashing kind. Well I guess it fits how I am currently feeling then.
I’m not about to cut my wrist though. At most when I reach breaking point, I’ll just delete all my accounts and shut down all my sites and suddenly disappear from virtual world, like last time. It’s not like I never did it before. It happened once, it can happen again.
It’s just that last time there was no Dear Love. Now is different. Now I have my beloved Dear Love which I put so much effort into. It’s my flesh and blood, my baby. And I don’t think I can bear to delete Dear Love or give it up.
It’s just that sometimes I just feel so helpless. The people whom I care for and whom I want for them to care doesn’t seem to care enough. I know they do care… just not as much as I want them to. It’s what I feel anyway.
Everyone seems so far away from me, busy with their own things. And I don’t really wanna bother them either. My timezone is probably not helping anyway.
And those people who care and keep talking to me… I don’t feel close enough with them to share anything. Anw I don’t feel like sharing either because then I will have to start from dunno where so that they will understand the situation and what I’m going to say.
Sometimes what these group people manage to do is either irritate me or creep me out. Seriously. Sigh. But I still try to be nice to them because “Do unto others what you want others do unto you”, no?
Life is so ironic isn’t it.
It is… depressingly beautiful. Kinda.
K have so much more to say but I don’t feel like going on any further. I guess there isn’t much point in carrying on anyway.