Cherlynn ❤

Too tired to give a fuck

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May 21st, 2015 Posted 1:14 pm

Written on Tuesday, 19 May.

Can’t believe it’s only Tuesday and I’m finally resuming the final week of my course (which means less work and shorter hours) but I’m still SO TIRED. Like physically tired, mainly from a lack of sleep. I keep reading books on my Kindle or online articles when I should be snoozing.

tired every day

Okay don’t know why I insist on wearing myself out like that. I always treat sleep like a tradable commodity. Yesterday, went to run 4km after class, then watched Max Mad with a friend till midnight and continued reading when I got home.

The trainer asked what time we usually sleep and most said midnight. There was a collective gasp from everyone when it was my turn to answer and I said, “3am, 4am.” Then she not-so-jokingly asked me not to be late for class the next day… but I was.

Was very determined to go straight home after class today and eat my mum’s chicken rice. Which I did. So nice not having anything to do, anywhere to go, or anyone to meet for a change. I was so happy that the sky was still white when I reached home. Funny how I only truly appreciate such things now.

I am so tired that I don’t even have spare energy to feel sad. I don’t know how I feel. Maybe everything.

elena emo tumblr

Some of the trainers at the course are so inspiring. To me, at least. They are talking about writing and work but I feel like the things they say can also be applied to life and whatever I’m going through. Like how it’s okay to be upset or whine for however long you need, but always pick yourself up and move on. Because nothing lasts forever. So many valuable lessons.

They also encourage reading and reading and reading. Which I fully agree with. Honestly reading is what has helped me most throughout this whole time. So so so much. More than anyone else ever has. I know the people around me mean well, but I feel like they will never truly understand unless they have been through the exact same thing before.

depression tumblr black white

And it’s really okay. This is just something I have to deal with myself. I can’t say thank you enough for all the listening ears though. I would have self-combusted long ago if not for the people around me who let me whine about the same shit over and over again.

Never thought I would read Thought Catalog or Elite Daily so much but they have really relatable articles from people who have experienced the same thing. Strangers who know exactly how you feel because they’ve felt it too, strangers who share the same stories. Reading them helps with the loneliness, self-loathing, helplessness and pain.

Started reading self-help books too, also written by people who know what they are talking about because they went through it. Whatever I couldn’t find to download on my Kindle, I bought online. 4 books for over $80… they have yet to arrive but hopefully they’ll help.

The ones I downloaded have been awesome so far. One of them is so direct, crude and no-nonsense. It’s always the most empowering thing and inspirational thing I’ve ever read. Wish I had read it earlier… it’s still super useful and applicable, but I can’t help but feel it’s a little too late.

Showed Jeremy excerpts and even he thinks it makes sense. And I guess he sees a very slight improvement in me (“Not bad, you’re seeing the light”) because he asked me to send him the book too.

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I’m starting to think that Life doesn’t want me to be happy or that I’m not allowed to be when it comes to this one certain thing. Every time I feel happy, something bad happens to ruin everything. Then I’ll pick myself up, get over it and the whole cycle repeats itself again.

It’s okay because I’m not ready to give up yet. I’m not a quitter, remember? And I want to believe that everything will be okay. Maybe I’m being selfish but this one certain makes me happy. If this is so wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

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Happy Mother’s Day to my bae

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May 10th, 2015 Posted 11:59 pm

Happy Mother’s Day to the person I’m closest with in the whole wide world, the one who’s always been there and whom I can’t live without. I love you even though I might not always show it. And even when you’re angsty (shouldn’t it be the other way round?? LOL)

All’s good though, because look at the influx of emoticons. Women who are truly mad don’t use emoticons, agree? Hmm I think she feels neglected this year because I haven’t been spending as much one-on-one time with her :(

I totally felt like this when we were in Bangkok last November, way before I saw this tweet. Had this moment where I was laughing so heartily and looking at her, feeling so happy that she was here to enjoy all of these with me.

So last Sunday (May 3), was having supper at Swee Choon with Estelle, Jeremy and CK then we were asking each other all sorts of rubbish as usual. One question that came up was what our favourite food was. Having eaten so many nice things, I couldn’t decide on an answer.

But when the question changed to what we would want to eat if it was our last meal, I suddenly found it so much easier to answer. My mum’s chicken rice! Which made me realise that I could eat all the heavenly food in the world, but my mum’s cooking — full of love and warmth — will always be tops.

Anyway, the three of them started asking me nonsense hypothetical questions (must be revenge for all the times I did it to them). For examples, two trains are crashing and each carry people but I can only choose one group to save.

“Will you save your hamster or a newborn baby?”
“My hamster la.”
“Innocent baby leh??!!?” Your hamster or 3 newborns?”
“Hamster.”
“Ten, hundred newborns?”
“My hamster. It’s about the emotional attachment.”

“What about your hamster, who is stuffing its face with food…
“Versus a child who is crying, screaming and looking at you pleadingly?”
“Hmm ok la then the child lor. My hamster won’t know what hit it.”

Asked them why they keep using hamsters and they said it’s because hamsters are my deal-breakers. Then they brought my mum into the picture. I obviously chose my mum for everything until…

“What if your mum is on the same train as Hitler?”
“And you know if he survives, he’s gonna commit genocide.”
“What if your mum IS Hitler?”

“Your parents versus an entire village of healthy, useful people?”
“My parents la.”
“What if they are old and sickly already?”
“Then I’ll ask them because it’s their choice to make, not mine.”
“Yeah you all will have time to sit down and have a discussion right.”

Then my non-existent husband got involved too…

“What if your husband killed your hamster?”
“If purposely, no chance. Say bye bye. Accidentally maybe can forgive after a while.”
“What if your husband killed your mum?”
“Then he die la.”
“What if your husband killed your mum after she asked him to?”
“He die also.”
“What if your husband let your mum commit suicide?”
“Still die. It’s basic human decency leh.”
“What if your mum committed suicide and asked you not to blame your husband?”
“…………..”

Bae = Before Anyone Else :D

And if you are still searching for the perfect Mother’s Day gift, why not try Zalora? Even my mum is a fan of their lovely + reasonably priced + quality items! Was looking at their Melissa Jelly flats for women and now I’m so tempted to get stuff for myself (as usual haha).

Such a pretty colour… And the thing about this range of Melissa flats is that they are completely comfortable (bye blisters) and come with a signature bubblegum scent!

Shiny, glittery, has bows… does that remind you of anyone lol.

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