Yesterday (April 1) was so good and I’m so happy (NOT because of what I’m going to talk about) that I can feel a rainbow shining out of my ass. Yeah I’m really freaking ridiculous… over-thinking nothing into something as always.
Then again it could be that “one day of the week” which I was talking about in my previous post. Watch me go crazy and emo shit after a few days all over again omg can I stop being such a jerk to myself???
I’m actually enjoying my course which turned out to be a lot more interesting than I’d expected plus I’m learning very useful things. Scored 9/20 on a impromptu spelling test and I have never even heard of two words. Wow spell-check has ruined us all… Lol am I a writer or not.
Spent a grand total of three and a half hours in class yesterday, not counting lunch which was over two hours long. Bumped into Azhar and the rest after I ended class at 4pm. They were just leaving for lunch so I tagged along.
Complained about this guy whom Estelle and I met at the gym the day before. Personally, I think he is worse than Birdman. He kept looking at us, started telling us that we were doing it all wrong (“My major is sports science so I don’t talk for air”) plus a whole load of other stuff and then stared some more. Like totally judging us and I felt sooo uncomfortable.
Didn’t mind listening to his supposed tips even though I asked if running can burn fats and he said my intensity was not high enough. Any faster and I’ll be flying off the treadmill ok?! What I really hated was the staring because it made me feel self-conscious and not feel like carrying on anymore. So I didn’t.
Anyway, the moment I mentioned sports science, Azhar and Jeremy figured out who I was referring to… because they were all friends. Then my dear editor, ‘tactful’ as always, immediately went to message Kaypohguy about Estelle and me.
According to Azhar, who was chortling the whole time he read out the messages, Kaypohguy referred to me as the “small cute cute one” and said I “can be model”.
I have never felt more out of shape than nowadays. I chomped my way from Christmas into 2015, through New Zealand and Chinese New Year and Hong Kong. I also kept indulging in eating my feelings… and trust me, I have a lot of feelings.
Unfortunately, Azhar wasn’t done. To verify that he and Kaypohguy were talking about the same girl, he took a candid photo of me on the spot and I didn’t even realise it until later when he said so. Wtf why you do this to me???
Me: Couldn’t you have chosen a flattering photo from my Facebook to send instead?
CK: That’s what you are concerned about? Not that he is taking and sending your photo?
Azhar: Even my female friend likes her [me]. She saw her [me] in my Facebook photo and said “the big big eyes, cute cute one” [actual description was more detailed but I can’t remember anymore].
But Let’s-Make-Cherlynn-Uncomfortable Day was far from over.
Left ahead of the rest and returned to office because I had something on. I was standing at the lobby when Birdman popped out from behind me and went, “Hello baby!” Then he started talking non-stop as usual. Still talking when Azhar and the rest came back and walked past us.
All references to drugs in this post are strictly metaphorical. I am not on crack… not literally, anyway.
Spent the whole day reading Love, Rosie (movie made me cry and I have a feeling the book will rip me into pieces) and watching movies. So therapeutic… definitely could do with more days like this.
Was back at work for the week in light of recent events and my course resumes next week. It was nice eating with my colleagues again… I laughed so hard that I spat out my drink at Kumar and Estelle on two occasions. Omg I’m so gross and easily amused around people I adore.
On Friday I ordered this and did a double take at the huge portion. Then the stall assistant asked, “Enough?” which I couldn’t tell was a serious question or not. I didn’t even ask for more… All I asked was to swop the bread and salad (who wants to eat that crap? Not me) to soup and colesaw. To which he answered, “Only for you can.” Lol ok. First time speaking to him btw.
Ok mundane rant up ahead. You will no idea what I’m going on about but I just need to let it out.
I’m tired all the time and I don’t feel fucking functional at all. So much for feeling like less of a wreck. The emotional strain is so much that it is taking a physical toll on me. I just want to feel okay again.
It’s funny… Remember when I was upset in January? I’m actually miserable over something else now. Yet up till last year I was so happy and felt like I had everything going for me. It’s not that life isn’t good now… Still got my job and travelling and all that makes me happy. I just don’t feel good.
I feel like I am on drugs. I am happy and high on adrenaline for like one day of the week, then I start to slowly fall apart over the next few days, drowning in insecurity and the desire for more. Then I resolve to pick myself up, be functional and cool as a cucumber, convince myself that I’m strong and I’ll be fine. That I’ll be okay. Sometimes I do feel okay. But the cycle just repeats itself all over again.
Hahaha I’m a joke and disappointment to myself. Surely I am better than this.
I guess not, because metaphorically speaking, I don’t want to stop taking drugs. Can’t stop. It’s a lonely journey of more lows than highs with no possibility of an outcome, except for bad ones maybe. Yet whatever little highs there are seem to make all the pain and misery worth it.
It’s toxic. So why do I do this to myself? Other than the fact that I’m selfish, weak, cowardly, spineless and have zero self-control (just look at the way I shop). Some days I actually think I deserve to feel this way for being such a terrible person.
I know I willingly walked into this (no regrets) but just because I know what I signed up for, doesn’t make things any easier. It’s so fucking hard even when I expect so little… and sometimes I make it worse by allowing hope to slip in.
I am not even going to kid myself that things will get better. It is as good as it gets now and will probably only get worse. It might get better after shit hits the fan and I survive that. I guess I will. I always do. Imagine dying from an overdose though…
My philosophy even when not drunk. And yeah, I don’t want to kick the drug habit… So just pretend you never read this post because I don’t want / need / deserve help.
Feeling dead on the inside and I think it’s starting to show on the exterior too. Is this what actual drug addicts feel like? Going to distract myself by planning my next holiday.
Things have calmed down a lot and it helps that I’m super stress-free now, being away on course. I miss having entire weekends free and having time to myself. A month is probably gonna pass in the blink of an eye (a week has already gone by!!) but here’s to making the best out of it.
Starting to feel less of a wreck and like my life is getting back on track… Not because suddenly everything is all sunshine and rainbows but because I’m getting used to it. Plus all the negativity was taxing and I just wanna feel like myself again.
One of the best quotes from We Need To Talk About Kevin:
Five days in Hong Kong did me very well too. I find it ridiculous now that I wasn’t 100% excited about going. But then again, I always think the stupidest stuff up. This time, I imagined dying of bird flu or falling out with Estelle HAHA.
Estelle’s friend was working there and invited her over because there was space in her hotel room (which her company was paying for). She was telling me about it and casually said, “You can come if you want.” I was like really???? So we booked our tickets and less than two weeks later, we were off!
Us on the ferry to Macau! I’m an embarrassment because I was in HK only five months ago but she’s the one who did all the mapping and navigation. I’m damn hopeless with directions.
Had such an amazing time! On my previous visit, I was mostly in the Kowloon area. This time, I was mostly in Hong Kong Island. Tried the food and visited the places I’d wanted to last time but didn’t have time for. Went back to a couple of my favourites.
Wish I had time to do a proper post each for all my travels. So many photos of heavenly food and magnificent sights I want to share. Might just Instagram them… I don’t normally use it but I posted more than usual during this trip.
Truly thankful for everything. Her friend is so nice?! If it was me, I wouldn’t want a stranger coming along and invading into my space. Not because I’m unkind but I’m just very introverted.
So it was the three of us warm and snug in one bed. I was actually worried about being a nuisance because I don’t sleep early (if I could at all) but I slept so well there. Only had brief insomnia on one night but the rest, I was long gone before 2am. Wasn’t even the last to turn in sometimes.
That was how carefree I felt… Wish I could have stayed the entire week.
I can’t believe that I shopped more than last time too?! This was what I bought after just an afternoon in Mongkok, all for myself :D Most were from just Fa Yuen Street actually, where the good bargains are. I like it better than Ladies Market and Temple Street.
At least I bought only one pair of shoes this time…
Damn tired (but happy!!) ok. Can you see the blisters at the back of my feet? I was wearing normal flats and I’m impressed they lasted throughout the whole trip after so much walking. We had even hiked from one end of Lamma Island to the other for one hour the previous day.
You know what’s ridiculous? Nothing happened when I went to the gym four days in a row but my arm muscles ‘came out’ after carrying this load for the whole day -_- Though I think they went back into hiding after I returned. Forget exercising, let’s just go shopping next time.
I had four bags to carry and one check-in luggage even AFTER packing wtf. Seriously regret switching to a small suitcase in the end because I underestimated myself and thought, “Don’t think I will buy much since I just came in November.” Right, right.
Actually it was amazing all three of us made it through the airport at all because we had so much baggage. Mine just happened to be… bigger in size. The green/blue bag contained nothing but…
18 packets/boxes are mine and I regret nothing. They were either very cheap or looked super good!! One of my favourite things to do when overseas is to go to the supermarket to buy maggi mee you can’t find in Singapore. Sadly there were none in New Zealand hahaha.
Where to next? :D