Everything sucks. Nothing is okay. I have tried almost everything but at the end of the day, they are just temporary distractions. Or maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.
The pain and hurt always come back because they are never truly gone. All I feel is sad and empty and pointless. What do you do when the only solution that can make all the bad go away is also the source of your unhappiness. Which you cut off because it made you as ecstatic as much as depressed, and the latter was starting to overshadow everything.
No more crazy highs for me (honestly it was really toxic and unhealthy, the way my mood was so dependent on one single thing) but I still feel a different kind of shitty.
How do you go back to boring, mundane, average life when you have had a taste of paradise? Why would I settle for ikan bilis when I could have sea bass? But nvm, it isn’t the best fish and the bones made me choke. Delicious but it could kill me one day, whether from overeating or poisoning. I’ll wait for my million-dollar bluefin tuna instead.
It’s just that sometimes all you are craving for is freaking sea bass.
B: So you took a chance on being happy, even though you knew that later on you would be sad.
B: And now… you’re sad.
B: So… what’s the problem?
L: I’m too sad…. Look, I liked the feeling of being in love with her. I liked it. But now she’s gone and I miss her and it sucks. And I didn’t think it was going to be this bad, and I feel like, why even be happy if it’s just going to lead to this, you know? It wasn’t worth it.
B: You know, misery is wasted on the miserable.
B: You know, I’m not entirely sure what your name is, but you are a classic idiot. You think spending time with her, kissing her, having fun with her, you think that’s what it was all about? That was love?
B: THIS is love. Missing her, because she’s gone. Wanting to die…. You’re so lucky. You’re like a walking poem. Would you rather be some kind of a fantasy? Some kind of a Disney ride? Is that what you want? Don’t you see? This is the good part. This is what you’ve been digging for all this time. Now you finally have it in your hand, this sweet nugget of love, sweet, sad love, and you want to throw it away. You’ve got it all wrong.
L: I thought this was the bad part.
B: No! The bad part is when you forget her, when you don’t care about her, when you don’t care about anything. The bad part is coming, so enjoy the heartbreak while you can, for God’s sakes.