February 20, 2016
The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all. – The Emperor of China in Mulan (1998)
Went on a 12-hour road trip today and we passed by this massive forest where a bush fire had apparently occurred last month I think.
My friend said the whole area was black and charred when he passed by weeks ago.
But today, greenery had begun to surface amongst all the different shades of brown (light and dried, dark and burnt, dull and withered. New plants were sprouting out and the once-dead trees were growing out their leaves again.
We started talking about how strong plants and trees were. I really admire their instinct and willpower to survive, to rise up again even after something as harsh as a fire.
It made me think about what Azhar always tells me about how I need to be strong and fight this. How I’m not trying hard enough to be happy and not really accepting the facts. How I haven’t done anything wrong so I need to stop feeling so bad and inferior or keep thinking of everything as a mistake. How I am still young so I need to stop comparing myself to others. How I have a bright future and many wonderful years ahead so I shouldn’t throw my life away over this. How I “must not let this asshole win” (his words). And lots more.
It’s strange that my editor is one of the few people I confide in but I feel like he understands the problem as well as knows what he’s talking about. And he has really helped in many different ways. For that, I’ll always be grateful.
So yes, I want to fight this and fight on. Be happy and strong. I will. It’s just that I get exhausted sometimes. Some days are harder than others. Some days the pain overshadows everything else and weakens my resolve. But I will persevere.
The forest is going to be all right. Soon it will look as good as new, like fire never happened.
I am going to be all right. I will be. I have to be.
