Tag: The Great Depression

Back to where we first met and where it all began. Memories…

Life works in strange ways because I met your friend first, days earlier and somewhere else. You were supposed to have been there too but didn’t manage to make it. Not that I paid much thought to it then.

So it was at the airport when I saw you for the first time. A place of meeting and parting, of reunion and separation.

First introduction, first smile, first joke, first laugh, first everything. It was supposed to be just another trip and you were supposed to be just some random acquaintance who should havw crossed my path only once.

Never thought you would end up meaning so much to me nor did I have any clue about how much you were going to change my life. Neither was I aware about the pain and tears that would follow.

The last time I saw you was at my office porch, where we kissed goodbye. Honestly… I had no idea that would be the final goodbye even though farewells were always hard when it came to you. At that time, I hadn’t decided on leaving you.

If I had known, maybe I would have dragged out those last few moments, held you close and savoured the warmth of your arms around me, memorised the feel of your lips against mine and every detail of the face that I never wanted to stop looking at.

You never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don’t. — Grey’s Anatomy

Again, life is really unpredictable because I never thought I would be the one to let go. My nightmares were always about you leaving me and never the other way round. Maybe that’s why they say dreams are the opposite of reality.

I once told you I could do this forever. It was a slip of the tongue and I realised too late what I had said. Because using the word ‘forever’ seemed unrealistic and foolish. Most of all, I was afraid that I had scared you. But you didn’t even flinch.

For a moment, it made me wonder if maybe we would really have forever. But forever isn’t as long as I had hoped and forever did not exist in stories like ours.

A lot hasn’t been the same ever since you left my life. Travelling, flying, holidays and airports especially. Most of all, I haven’t been the same.

Some days I miss you more than other days.

And I don’t know what to do other than to try not think about you at all.

Right now, I feel like I’m just putting band-aid and band-aid over the wound that refuses to close up, burying it under layers of work and alcohol and feigned nonchalance. Pretending that the wound isn’t there and that you don’t exist.

But I know that once I rip all the band-aids off and allow myself to feel, the blood is going to come gushing out with the tears, and the pain back in full force. I can’t deal with that, I can’t allow myself to feel.

Does it make you happy to watch me bleed? No of course it doesn’t… because you don’t even care to begin with.