Tag: The Great Depression

Haven’t stalked you online for what feels like quite awhile.

Mainly because I finally blocked you a couple of weeks ago, something I should have done ages ago but I just couldn’t bear to because social media was the only way I could still keep tabs on you and find out how you were doing. Because I still gave a damn even though I shouldn’t. Not anymore.

But it wasn’t healthy and I just can’t keep doing this forever. At the beginning, it was hard and I still searched for your name every now and then to see if you posted anything even after blocking you. Self-defeating, I know. But I find that I’m not doing that anymore so I guess it worked after all. And unlike Instagram, Facebook makes it impossible to still continue viewing an account that you have blocked.

Someone asked me why I had to go to such extremes and to the extent of blocking you, and what was it you did exactly and was it that bad. To me, yes, loads of stuff that I’ll never forget. Maybe someday I’ll not be afraid to talk about it. But right now I just can’t.

But it’s not because I’m angry or that I hate you or anything like that. How could I ever? It’s more for myself. Because I don’t want to be reminded of you at all, I don’t want to even see any hint of you on my feeds, because I just can’t deal with it or the pain it brings. All I associate with you is grief, hurt and pain.

Torn over whether to move these blog posts about you to a more private space or just leave them here as well. Because I just want to close the freaking chapter and move on but yet I don’t want to bury what was such a huge part of my life, even though I was merely a sentence in yours.

Even people who I have never met before know or have heard about me being… emo and self-destructive (for lack of better words). Not forgetting how all the emotional baggage has ruined so many good things for me on more than one occasion.

I don’t want to be linked to all these emotional baggage but yet I also feel it’s what makes me who I am and if people can’t accept it then too bad?

Sigh I don’t know. Somehow it always comes back to you in the end.

The World Wide Web and its residents aren’t being very kind to you recently. I’m not gonna lie… Part of me is secretly glad that something has finally happened to shake that ‘perfect’ life and image you have built. Something that actually hits you where it hurts because it involves stuff you care a great deal about, more than you ever cared about me. Glad that people are finally starting to see you for who you (still not your worst side though… I wonder how many people have seen it and been on its receiving end like me).

But another part of me wishes I was there to make you feel better and listen to you. Escape into our own world like we used to, where nobody else existed but us.

They say you are “just a wedding photographer”. But what they don’t know is that you love shooting so many other things. That shooting nature is what you love and how you first got started, except that it doesn’t exactly pay the bills.

Remember when you brought along those critters to dinner with me? I asked if they were your new pets and you smiled that smile of yours and said “test subjects”. I was so happy that day because everything was perfect until I had to say goodbye again.

They say you are big-headed and egotistic. Which isn’t exactly wrong because I know you are really proud of all you have achieved and you care about what other people think of you a lot. But they don’t know how hard you have worked for everything. They have never seen you at work at 3am like I have. They have never seen your passion and drive or met the perfectionist in you like I have.

Yet I have gone from someone who had never heard of you even though you were at your peak then, to someone who knows more about you than most people do, to someone who no longer talks to you and resorts to following news articles about you instead.

I’m foolish and pathetic for still having you on my mind, I know, I know…