June 23, 2015
You’d think that after nipping the problem in the bud, things would be much easier. But that’s not the case. I knew I would feel sad at times. I saw it coming and I dreaded it. What I didn’t expect was that the misery would come this soon or that it would be this bad.
I do not regret my decision to leave. Not because I didn’t feel the same anymore. It wasn’t the easiest thing to do or what I wanted but I know it was the right one.
Realistically speaking, there was truly no other alternative to the situation other than it had to end someday, even if not now. I knew that from the beginning, but I had my own reasons for holding on for so long in the first place. Then I started to lose those reasons so I guess that helped make things easier.
Yet, it is anything but easy.
For the past two nights, I’ve cried myself to sleep. I just want to sleep because I’m so tired but when I lie down on my bed, all I can think about is him. Even while typing this post, the tears are starting to fall again. Maybe I’m writing this at this hour because I dread going to bed. I can cope with daytime… it’s the nights that I can’t handle.
Was out on Sunday and all I wanted to do was to be back home so that I could cry freely by myself. I kept randomly breaking out in tears and had to hide my face from everyone else. I just couldn’t control it. It was so hard forcing myself to keep a straight face and pretend that I was fine when I am anything but.
Even in Europe, I was actually crying every other day even at the most random places and times. And that was before I even decided to leave.
Last night I wished that I would get hit by a car so that I can become unconscious and not feel or think about anything. Also because then I would know if he cared enough to visit me in the hospital. Yes, it is terribly foolish to hope that he does, even after everything.
It’s not the stupidest thought I have. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I made a mistake. What if it was me who threw away everything we had? I also keep wondering if the way I ended it had been too callous, if I should have at least explained why. What if I and everyone else turned out to be wrong about him? What if it was my over-thinking and lack of faith and listening to other people that did us in?
But even I myself know how ridiculous and impossible that is. I did not make such a decision, knowing how much it would hurt me, for no reason. I just didn’t think it would hurt so much.
Honestly there are times when it’s so tempting to take the easy way out. To just cave in and go back. Even though I was sad a lot of the time then, at least there were highs and good times to compensate for it. Now, I have nothing.
It’s strange how something as intangible as feelings can cause so much pain. I am in pieces. I feel completely shattered and exhausted. So tired of crying but it just hurts too damn much. I don’t even want to be happy anymore, I just want to feel okay. Will I ever feel okay again and when will that be?
