twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

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Tag: The Great Depression

FAQ the past week: Are you okay?

are you ok gif

Everyone probably knows the answer deep down but they ask anyway, I pretend that I’m fine, put on a smile and reply yes I’m okay, because I don’t know what else to say. Repeat repeat repeat.

It’s easy pretending since people usually ask in the day when I’m busy / working. Distracted and no time to let my thoughts run rampant. If you want a truthful answer, ask me at 3am. Throw some alcohol into the equation and you might even see the crying drunk.

I have a lot to write but was busy working the whole weekend. Four solo shifts in a row… Been spending more time than usual in the office as well. But this is good because work is truly the best distraction and my colleagues make me laugh.

nightmares about losing you

– Peeta Mellark, Catching Fire

My biggest fear was always him leaving me, despite there being so much other shit that could go wrong (my concern over those was not even halfway as much). I even told him that he might get bored one day, but he was always skeptical.

So many times I had nightmares about it and once I even woke up crying because it felt so real. I remember that dream rather vividly because I typed it all down in my mobile diary app. In it, I broke down in public and begged him not to leave. Me, begging? Never told him about these dreams though.

Who would have thought that in the end, it was me who left (first)? Funny how life never quite turns out the way that you expect. Maybe part of the reason is because I was so scared that he would leave, I decided to go first. Yes it sounds stupid, but only because you don’t understand and I won’t explain.

In another entry, I wrote, “When a good dream leaves me more depressed than the bad ones.” Because while good, it wasn’t reality and was something that I could never have.

triumph in the skies

Rewatching this because it’s such a good show that I’ve never forgotten about it. The show that stirred my very first experience with wanderlust. Also cos I was looking for something to binge-watch and be emotionally invested in. Need an outlet to pour all my feelings into.

Honestly I feel like everything is so pointless these days. What’s the use of caring about stuff and being emotionally invested when at the end of the day, it’s not even worth it. All you get in return is pain and grief.

Was ranting to Jeremy about how Vampire Diaries wasted 6 freaking years of my life. I followed it throughout and was a walking encyclopedia about it. How I watched it at first because it was genuinely enjoyable and good, but later watched it only for Delena. Only for them to kill off Elena which means Delena doesn’t exist anymore and I will never see them together again. Is this fair???

Jeremy: But at least you were happy during the first few seasons.
Me: Are we still talking about the show.

Maybe I was talking in metaphors as usual. Mentioned that I feel like getting a guinea pig again so that I can smother it with love. But it’s so upsetting when pets die. More pointless emotional investment because everything ends someday and endings are always shit.

“There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part, So just give me a happy middle And a very happy start.” — Shel Silverstein

But honestly I feel like for so long, I gave up and put up with so much without complaint (never mind that he isn’t even aware of it), only for him to throw everything back in my face. For months, he consumed me and now that he’s no longer in my life, I feel so empty.

Not to sound bitchy but I also know I should try going out with other people, if only to distract myself or kill time. It’s not like nobody likes me… And all of them can offer me much more than he ever could and ever did. But they are not him. I’ll never feel the same and just upset myself even more by comparing so I don’t even want to try. It’s pointless.

But seriously, what is the point of anything???????????


10 things I hate about you

I find most of Hollywood’s romcoms shit, but 10 Things I Hate About You is my #1 favourite along with Clueless. Please don’t read the rest of this post without watching this scene.

I hate the way you talk to me
(You never passed up on a chance to make fun of me and my quirks. Even though I always responded very indignantly, I secretly enjoyed it because they were our inside jokes and shared memories that no one else would ever be a part of.)

And the way you cut your hair
(Loved running my hands through your hair)

I hate the way you drive my car
(I don’t drive but you do, usually with one hand, so that I could hold the other or link my arms with yours. Me leaning my head on your shoulder, you smelling my hair and kissing the top of my head were simple moments that meant so much.)

I hate it when you stare
(Always looking at me with that smile on your face like you were in on some amusing secret. Then I would tell you to share the joke, but you never ever do. Sometimes we simply stared at each other without the need for conversation. Once I even told you I felt like I could do this i.e. look at you forever.)

I hate your big dumb combat boots
(Do you have to look so good in that campaign for well-known-label-I-will-not-name?)

And the way you read my mind
(Knowing what my replies would be but asking me anyway. Sometimes you answered yourself for me. You always said you were waiting for the day when I finally surprise you with different answers… but now it’s never going to happen.)

I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you’re always right

(Like when I told you to have more faith in my sense of direction and ability to find the place but ended up lost anyway till you came looking… with that amused smile.)

I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate the way you’re not around
And the fact that you didn’t call
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

The rest is self-explanatory. Not going to have these moments anymore… Except for the crying part which hasn’t changed.

Somehow I just can’t be angry. I wish I was, because rage would be so much better than what I feel now. Crippling disappointment, suffocating sadness, confusion, longing, resignation, exhaustion, loss, emptiness, pointlessness, lots and lots of hurt.

It is quite pathetic that I keep going on about things even though it’s all over. But whatever, it makes me feel better and I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

expressing my opinion gif

I should calm down with the pop culture references and analogies. And stop torturing myself with memories. And go to bed because I’m left with 3 hours of sleep.