twiinklex ❤

Bad decisions make good stories. And I always have a good story.

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Tag: The Great Depression

Crying on the roof

Last Monday (Sep 7) was a Bad Day.

Our company has a rooftop party called ‘Up On the Roof’ every end of the month but Jeremy and I had our own private party there last week at midnight. All I wanted was to try the soju he brought back from his overseas work trip but alcohol and I haven’t exactly been seeing eye to eye very much this year.

I ended up crying on-off for three hours. If when I passed out cold and broke my tooth was a 10, and the Super Summer beach party when I injured my leg and wailed the place down was a 9, this is about a 7.

korea soju

I was skeptical about the 17% alcohol content at first but now I know better… Can you believe that a bottle like this is only S$1.50 in Korea???

At first I was just sitting on the ledge and talking rubbish like whether a fall from that height would result in instant death but Jeremy made me come down. Then I can’t remember what triggered it but afterwards I started crying. While lying down on the wooden table, on the bench and everywhere. Then he tried to take the bottle away from me and said I had enough but I started ranting.

“You can’t take it back after giving it to me, do you know that it is very cruel to give someone something, let them know how it feels like and how happy it can make you, only to take it away from them????”

“Are you talking about yourself?”

Wonder what a sight I must have been (luckily it was dark). It was really just loads of crying and ranting. Like a purge.

Jeremy kept telling me that it’s not worth it and that I knew this was bound to happen someday even if not now (nothing I don’t already know. Like I said before, I am and was logically aware of everything since Day 1). Kept insisting I was the one making myself sad. Maybe, but it’s better than feeling nothing.

Last month, we were discussing something completely unrelated and serious but his response was so funny that I’ll never forget it. So I kept quoting him and telling him that me being sad is my problem as well. He had no witty retort since they were his words.

But really… it’s my own problem. I’m not hurting or affecting anyone but myself. And honestly I do not care very much about myself anymore.

Call it acting out or whatever but I keep doing reckless shit. Then I’ll somehow think of what you would be saying if you knew. How you used to always tell me I’m too trusting (ironic isn’t it…), your reaction when I broke my tooth etc and upset myself even more.

Anyway, we went to eat at Meng’s Kitchen after I sobered up because food makes everything better. I think Jeremy was waiting for an appropriate, non-crying time to give me some cute socks he got me in Korea. Sorry I’m always such a pain when drunk… though half the time he’s the one who brings me the alcohol.

And then as usual, I somehow magically managed to show up for work the following day, looking and feeling completely fine. Proud to say I’ve never once let personal problems affect my work.


Crying and dying

Not long ago, my mum said she doesn’t understand why I have “so many guy friends yet none of them catches my eye” (she has no clue). I had no answer.

Not sure what’s wrong with me but sometimes I wonder if I’m masochistic to inflict such pain on myself. I knew from the start that it was going to end badly and yet I still selfishly went ahead with it (maybe this is my punishment and I deserve the suffering now). So many people out there who are willing to offer me much more and treat me a hundred times better than he did but yet he’s the one I’m still hung up over.

Everyone keeps telling me that I deserve better. Who is to say what is better though? The only one I feel for is the toxic one who just so happens to be the very worst choice and completely wrong for me. Why do I do this to myself?

It’s not like I am desperate or lack options. I received these messages from 3 different people in just one day today (less than two hours actually, if you look at the time).

More if you wanna include days and weeks. Not that it matters or makes a difference. Really grateful for the concern, friendship and affection but I am undeserving of it all. These people are the ones who deserve ‘better’ rather than someone’s who so emotionally unstable and baggage-ridden with zero self-worth and self-respect.

Don’t know what I’m doing anymore. All I am able to feel right now is crying and dying. It’s getting so bad that someone suggested I get “professional help”.